Hi Joe, Let's see, I'll try to say this as diplomatically as possible -- you are grieving. You get to decide what you should and should not do. No explanations necessary. Don't go beyond what your comfort zone is -- your job #1 right now is to take care of yourself and take all the time you need to heel your broken heart. Some of us (me) do that way better alone without drama or well-intentioned but nonetheless ignorant advice. Me, my emotions could not handle all the crap I put up with for many years and I had to cause removal of the unhealthy relationships. You are way too raw right now to know what you should do -- so just give it time. If they don't or won't understand, don't worry about it. ~~ Scottie

Joe -

I agree with Scottie. I politely declined a number of invitations
from family members / friends during the first three months
and it was tough for me as it was during the recent holidays.

I was just honest with all of them. I told them I would not be
good company and needed some time alone to grieve. I also
stressed to all of them that I loved them dearly and deeply
appreciated their invitations and support but I really needed
time alone. In the end, they all said they understood.

Darrell



tunred down

I'm into this journey five years and I won't tell you what to do, but I will share with you how I handled these situations. I made a conscious decision the week after the funeral that I wasn't going to isolate myself from my family and friends. For me that would have been very easy to do. By nature, I'm an introvert. I accepted almost all invitations made to me. For one thing, I knew they would get tired of me declining and they would eventually stop asking me.

I went out to dinner with friends many times. They thought that would cheer me up and get me out of the house and you know what.....it did. For the short time I was with them, I was closer to normal. From the time my husband died, I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone for fear I would get too comfortable in my zone.

I've been traveling alone and I eat alone in my favorite restaurants. I felt that if I didn't learn to do the things that made me uncomfortable, then I would probably never do anything I really wanted to do again.

The first time I traveled 4 hours from home by myself on a weekend trip, I felt like I was going to throw up as I drove out of the driveway. I didn't even know exactly where I was going. I had an address and my GPS. This year, I have 5 small trips planned and three of them are out of state.

So there it is. That is what I did. The decision is yours. Just know that this is a stepping stone for what you will want out of life. I could not imagine five years ago that I would be where I am. My husband would be proud. I'm a confident, woman who has learned to enjoy my life even though some may think I'm very boring. LOL.

Nessie from KY

well, I will give you my experience. I really wanted to spend my first either Thanksgiving or Christmas by myself and my memories of my Ron. In my mind, it was not depressing or sad, just a way for the two of us to be together one last time. When he was alive we never had a holiday together, we loved seeing/sharing the holidays with others but knowing families change over time used to jokingly say some year when "no one loves us" it will just be you and I and we kind of looked forward to that so that is why I wanted a holiday alone with me and my memories. My mother who is 84 and only a widow herself for a few years could not understand this and kept pressing me because she thought it was sad. I eventually gave in because I know I only have a limited amount of holidays left w/her. So I spent both holidays with the family and had a pretty good day both holidays, but emotionally I paid dearly for it. I was not ready for two holidays w/out him and it set me back in my healing further than I would have thought.

So my advise, do what you heart tells you, sometimes we need to be seffish in order to take care of ourselves. If you don't want to outright say no, suggest an alternative date down the road when you may feel a bit more like company.

I was always an introvert by nature. I learned to ask to help and accept help when offered. I always took offers for visits and social gatherings. I was able to go but I would not be able to enjoy myself the entire time because I missed my husband so much. I'm glad I took the offers because the network of support disappears very quickly and I was able to do things beyond my comfort zone.


Antonella

In the last two weeks I have had many wanting to help here at our house, or want us over for dinner to get out of the hose. I am not ready for any of this I tried to explain to them all that I appreciate the concern they have and I understand it. Right now I am trying to figure my own self out and what feet I have to stand on. Eventually I will be ready for all of it but their advice is just not what I need right now. I need time. You need to let them know you need your time.

Hi Joe, I am 6 months out and am getting more comfortable with the invitations. I am more ready for them. The first few months I could not fathom leaving the comfort and security of my home. I simply said I was not yet ready. When a dear friend asked me to Thanksgiving dinner I simply told her it would depend on how my day was going on Thanksgiving. In the end, I decided to go, after all it would just be my friend, her husband, my daughter and her husband an 2 grandsons.

When i walked in she told me that I better have come, that I needed to get out. I was hurt and outraged by the lack of understanding. I explained I was there because it had no been a tear filled day and that I would NOT be bullied into doing things I was not ready for. That I was now answerable to anyone and would make decisions on my own.

She was not offended and started to understand the depth of spousal grief. So, my advise is to follow your heart. No one but you can understand the depth of your grief and despair or what you need to do to nurture yourself. I wish you peace in this awful journey. {{Hugs}}
-Bailey-

I would thank them and agreed to a date that is six months away. You can say I'd like to wait until late summer or something like that. Then if you're still not ready on that date, cancel it and move it to another date.

By late summer you may be ready. At any rate, maybe this will stop them from constantly asking you to visit.

I think it varies from person to person. The best advice I could give is what others told me at first and that is only do what is comfortable for you and if others don't understand that then that is something for them to work out. Appreciate the offers but right now you have to adjust to things at your own pace not the speed the rest of the world wants you to. Believe me one day if they ever have to go thru this they will get it.
Peace, Tim

We take chances all our life. When we ask for advice or opinion, we usually already know the answer ...And we are all different .. and very much the same ... in this journey.
I will quote Nessie from KY, because she echos what I did with my grief: " I have pushed myself out of my comfort zone for fear I would get too comfortable in my zone."
You see, our fear was not that that they won't ask us again after we reject them over and over, our fear was that we would not accept, even if they did.
Listen to yourself and you will know.

Joe, its your time, and it's your way. Let them know compassionately, that although you know they mean well that right now, you are sad and aren't really wanting to go anywhere, and need some alone time to grieve. Its weird how when we lose someone all of a sudden, then we are proactive. Funny story, in 2008 my mom died, and all of a sudden, then I called my dad everyday, emailed him too, worried about him, and I guess also grieving for my mom. Sometimes us on the outside, do and say stupid things, just to get any type of connection, because the physical connection wth that person is gone, so we latch onto whoever was the closest with them. That is just my take, and opinion on it. You can do you, and don't worry so much what others think. Ive learned this the hard way, after my husband passed away almost one year ago, on march 1st, will be my one year anniversary of his passing. Much love and big hugs carla

I agree with everyone else here you have to do what you are ready for. As someone once mentioned a while back is that the first few months you maybe going thru the red tape of all what had just happened. Finances etc. Its when all the redtape stuff is done is maybe when you are feeling alone and that's when you may fill the comfort of a shoulder to cry on etc. Its not that I didn't need anyone at first but I didn't understand what was going on at first. If you are in shock,numb,denial about it then being around people at first will seem like non sense then once you have realized your spouse is gone forever then you start wanting the company of anyone.

Too me ,what is wrong with some of your family coming to see you.
If they are so concerned about you that would.

Sometimes we fill not going too far away from our comfort zones. Staying home ,staying in our familiar surroundings.

I took a solo vacation for the first time ever almost at the 6 month mark. I was mixed emotions about my entire trip. I felt anything from happy and proud that I did it for myself but then very lonely because I had no one there to share it with. I traveled to a state I had never been. Sitting next to people on planes I didn't know. Being responsible only for myself was a big step.

My best advise is if you aren't ready right now to travel or get out of your comfort zone then don't.

Remember those that haven't been there don't understand to the full extent to how you are feeling at any given moment.

If the calls is all you get for a while then that's better then nothing at all. I wish I had people who cared that much to atleast call me atleast few times a week or even onnce a month. Its been 6.5 months since I lost my husband. My phone literally quit ringing /texting stopped coming in the day after the funeral.

Hi Joe, I took a trip with my best friend, a widow also at three months into this journey. My husband and I loved Estes Park and she had never been. We had a good time, lots of laughter, tears and just doing what we wanted too without any schedule to follow. It was healing for both of us. But, it will never feel the same without him to share. Please do what you feel like doing. Only you will know when it's time to accept those invitations. Hugs and Love, Michele

Joe, I think you should tell them what you've told us - they are your brothers, have an honest conversation with them. Sometimes people want to help us and we are our own worst enemies. Maybe they should come and visit you instead, or perhaps you can have some calls or webcam calls with them. I am 5,000 and 8,000 miles away from my 3 sisters. The older we get, the more people we lose, the more precious our conversations have become. I use Skype and have webcam calls with them. Until we can get on a plane, it works to reach out and stay in touch, and comfort each other through all of life's trials.

Maybe the answer for you is not go or stay, maybe there is an alternative. I do think you should try to stay connected and remember they are family and are trying to show you they care. It is up to you, but I wouldn't just reject the offer outright. Maybe a Skype call or two to see how you guys would cope with each other would be a good idea, and it may be enough for now for all concerned. Just a thought....

Love and Hugs,
Martha