It seems like there is always a worse story. People losing their entire families in a tragic accident..their spouse and some or all of their children would be an example that just has to be worse. I have, however, come to the conclusion that grief is grief and pain is pain and while someone else may have more loss it doesn't minimize my own very intense grief. I met someone who was very very sad about having lost their grandparent and said they could "relate to me". At first I thought seriously? But then I saw the look in her eyes and it melted my heart. I know that look. I see that look in the mirror every day. Who am I to judge her grief? I felt so guilty on Valentine's Day when I was so caught up in my own pain (husband's bday) and then 19 children are shot and killed. The suffering those families had to be experiencing at the very moment that I was feeling so despondent...how could I even think of myself with so much suffering going on? But now I've decided that I am going to try not to compare. I have my own grief and while I can empathize with others it doesn't mean I shouldn't feel how I feel. I don't think I am the only one suffering. I don't think my situation is unique but I do think how I feel on any given day is unique to me. Anyway, just my thoughts on some of the nagging questions I guess.

I think our pain is unique to us as much as the life we had with our loved ones.

I think you raise an interesting question, Rick. I don't think it affects our own suffering. I think the difference is perhaps that, because we do suffer, we are capable of more compassion and empathy/sympathy to others that suffer. There is some comfort in knowing one is not alone in being afflicted - as thoroughly evidenced by our experiences here in this group - but at the same time, it is not helpful to compare your grief to someone else's.

A few years ago, someone posted a thread asking which pain was greater - losing your spouse slowly (through cancer typically) or suddenly (usually heart attack or fatal accident). We here are, and have always been from Day 1, a mixed group when it comes to why we wound up here. At the end of a long comparison, what we determined was that grief is grief, pain is pain. For the cancer bereaved, the grief begins earlier. For the suddenly bereaved, like myself, the PTSD lasts a bit longer. There are different stripes of grieving, but at the end of the day, we're still faced with the bottom line reality that our other half is gone.

I can lay my grief alongside the horrible news reports, and I can call on my own memories of, for instance, getting word that my son's high school was in lockdown because of a suspected shooter on campus (yes, seriously, the first year Cliff was gone - another reason I don't miss Florida and its guns). So I can empathize to some degree, and I know there are similarities - never hearing their voices or laughter, again, etc. I can respect them, feel for them, acknowledge what has happened to them, and at the same time know my grief and theirs is different. Their loss doesn't lessen mine and vice-versa. Hopefully, it widens the heart to be kinder and more patient and understanding.

Does that help?

Love and Hugs,
Martha

The concept of pain is abstract and measured by comparison. You may disagree. You may say pain is pain, and they are created equal. No they are not. A numb pain like a bruise is different from a nerve pain like right after the wisdom teeth is pulled.

Since pain is not objectively measurable but comparable, the mind re-calibrates/re-access pain when it receives new information. I remembered a day in college I walked out of a final exam knowing that I flunked it. In the context of life this wasn't a big deal but it was a big deal then. It felt like the world collapsed on me.

Being a glutton for punishment, I went ahead and watched the movie "The Passion of the Christ". Normally I wouldn't recommend it for someone wanting to have a joyful day, but there was nothing to lose then. So I watched the actor of Jesus being tortured and thought, "Flunking an exam wasn't that bad compared to that." It ended up making me feel less sad that day.

Back to the subject. People come here looking for hope. When they watch other's stories, I think it makes them feel less alone - you know someone is going through the same things that you do. And we all know how to fix others. Saying what we would have liked/ not liked to have heard from others makes us feel a little better. Giving love/ Feeling useful does provide a slither of happiness.

Exit physical dimension, and enter psychological dimension of pain. Physical comparisons don't work.

Maybe you don't compare, but I do. Someone here mentioned to me that she saw someone went to lengths to put a sad post on Facebook about losing a pet. I didn't know her loss, and in some ways I felt sorry for the FB poster, but I still rolled my eyes at the idea.

To convince a man against his will.... sigh.

And that pet could been all she had in this life, or symbolized every human and animal in her existence that was loved and lost. Who knows, unless explored deeper.

My pain was a little different, I am totally deaf and my husband was a hearing man, so I had to rewire myself somewhat! I depended on my husband quite a bit.