Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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My Valentine is dead

JFerrante
JFerrante
As with all holidays, I try to ignore the decorations and advertisements in stores and in the media, and Valentines Day is number one.

I have had a few well-meaning strangers make the mistake of asking me who will be my Valentine and my curt response is that he is dead. Of course, I get the immediate silence and dumb-founded stare. Then I say, don't worry about it, save it. And then I walk away.

Since losing my partner in May 2007, I feel my heart, or spiritual soul, is sick. It no longer shines with happiness and puts a wonderful smile on my face. I have nothing to look forward to, nothing to share with that special someone that friends say I will miraculously find again.

So, if there is a bright side to death, at least I'll be saving money not buying any holiday crap. I'll have more space in my home, too! And no eating out!

All I have are the pictures and his spiritual presence, of which I can only sense, but not see, hear or physically feel. The memories we once enjoyed doing things together either in good times or bad - as long as we were TOGETHER!

Someone please give me some answers from this nightmare I can't awaken from.
Community Leadermarjoe
marjoe
Oh, boy, your words went straight to my heart. I totally understand what you're saying. It's so hard to see a future without our loved ones - no, more than hard. To be without the kindred soul that shared everything is like losing a limb. Sometimes I just feel like the shell of what I was. Other times I feel a surge of energy. But I never know what I'm going to feel, day to day. Here's a quote from C.S. Lewis that I found comforting, in a weird way - "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear." Some days will be better than others - hang in there, my friend. Marsha
deleted_user
deleted_user
My thoughts are with you and I do understand. I don't know what your partner's personality was like, however, I know that Jim was always upbeat with a "light soul" and a wonderful sense of humor. He would be very, very disappointed if I continued to cry and grieve over his passing.

We are all so very different. I know that some days are still extremely hard for me. However, each day I try to "reach out" -- to ask his advice. He would not want me to be a "sad sack" and I try to remember that each and every day. Hugs to you, Barbara
deleted_user
deleted_user
even at the peak of his illness my husband with God knows how many tumors in his body had the strength to sneak out with his sister last Valentine and get me what is now my last present from him. A bracelet with G heart Y (our initials of course). i always wear it, and always will.
what are we to do without our valentines. who is going to buy me flowers, or take me out to eat. i just hold on, as much as i can, to the memories of our valentines together. that is all i got.
maybe i will read old love letters and cry for that night. maybe i will write letters to him imploring him to come back to me, or maybe i will try and brainwash myself into doing something to keep me busy. in the end i will spend this and many more valentines alone with my thoughts, memories and desires of having my valentine once more.
i try to stay upbeat, but it is just to hard. well, fellow friends all i can say is stay strong.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I know how you feel, really do, but I get those stupid questions also but instead of using the word (dead) i won't say it...try saying "in my heart" This is better, the other is soo final and this might make you feel alittle bit better. I know chosing the right words, if I can, makes it just alittle bit better if it can be...baby steps and slow
peace and love
joanie
deleted_user
deleted_user
It seems there is no end of reminders that our loved one is lost to us forever. (I am so sick and tired of eHarmony commercials, I could throw something at the TV.) All we can do now is look back on all that was good in our life with them. It really gets to me when people complain about the small insignificant faults of their partner/spouse. They don't know how lucky they are to have them at all. For myself, I would rather stay at home alone, remembering all that is past than to go out with others and pretend to be alright. Sorry I do not have any miracle cure, only can say that so many of us understand where you are coming from.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Even after almost 9 years without my dear Dave, your post really went to my heart too! Everywhere I go, I see ads for Valentine's Day and remember past days when Dave would send me roses, take me to dinner, etc. It's not the things he did FOR me, it was just being with him and how thoughtful he was.

Like Aseret said, people complain about such miniscule things re: their spouses ~ I just wish I HAD mine. On Feb. 14th, they'll probably have some pretty schmaltzy movies on TV, so I'll watch them and cry my heart out I imagine.

I don't have any answers either. All we can do is the best we can do! God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee
deleted_user
deleted_user
Yo know I was really going to write this super inspirational message about how you will make it through this and how time heals all wounds and probably a bunch more c**p that was just as non sensical. But then bham, I realized something you have that I am just getting back and that is a lot of good memories. I really do appreciate them (the good memories) which had been so overshadowed by the last month of her life. Try to concentrate on the good, the things that are gone but when they happened you knew they were special. While your Valentine is not here physically he is with you in your memories and it through those memories he lives on.
Live well, dream hard, be strong and understand that whether or not we like it life goes on. It is within our power to make our loved ones proud or show them they made a mistake in choosing us. Make the right choice and good luck.