this will be my fourth Christmas. The holidays are a special hell to widows. our children & grandchildren, EVERY other family member has someone else living in their home: kids, boyfriends, etc., which means they "belong", because home isn't a place, it's WHO you belong with. I am lucky to even get a return phone call from my 43 yr old daughter.
At least now that I face my fourth time in hellidays, I am basically just mostly bracing myself against the pain, the aloneness. sometimes I cry. but as the years go by most pains are slightly less surprising, but still very painful. I am kind of learning that it is not safe to reach out to anyone who hasn't already been identified as SAFE & understanding. This week I tried contacting some of my husbands past "friends" (husband & wife Teams) and it turned into a devastating experience which magnified all my worst agonies.
People are completely clueless about what widows are experiencing. Even our dearest loved ones are a million miles away, in their hearts & minds.
It can make me want to die if I don't avoid the landmines. They are very dangerous.
I have tried telling my daughter that I would like contact on a regular basis but it did no good. During the first couple years I tried to communicate that in a non-needy way: "I would like to just do a small phone call (CHAT) almost every week". It did not work or help. I also tried saying that again this year and initiate calls, leaving small casual voice msgs.
The bottom line is that when I lost my husband I lost EVERY portion of where I belong and who my family is. and (for the most part) who my friends are. I do have a couple ladies I can call without being hurt during the conversation.
It has been 3 1/2 yrs and my appetite still has not returned. I am existing but not thriving, am 63 yrs old and feel 93 yrs old. The big breaking News is that former President George HW Bush died. He is lucky to not have to go through the hellidays without his wife. He was a stoic and had a close-knit dedicated family, but before the first Christmas without his wife, he died.
I can't believe I'm facing my fourth. The ONLY companionship I have is my dog. and I thank God for her. but a person needs more than that. We need family.

I want to blow up my phone, at least Instagram and Photoshare. People are going mad over the holiday. Going to musicals, light shows, shopping malls, parties, parades, etc., etc. I'm just trying to get it behind me. It's because they have friends and families to go with. And don't forget the festive dinners they put together for their own. I don't hear many folks expressing the true meaning of Christmas any more.

Well, if I'm lucky, someone will feel sorry for me and invite me for Christmas dinner. I'll end up in the backseat of someone's car (not that way LOL). Or I'll stay home alone all day. Not sure which I prefer if I were to toss a coin.

Perhaps though, I will be able to drive again by then, since my surgery is Dec. 11. It's hard to know. They usually wait two weeks to take out the stitches.

I'm like you, AfterMom, not knowing who to trust, who's safe, and who's going to chew me up and spit me out. Yes, we are venting...

Hello, Aftermom and Shewearsblack17.
I'm so caught off guard by the fact my daughter, my only child, doesn't understand how lonely I am since the death of her dad, my husband. My daughter is 30 and has a wonderful guy who has kids. I would love to be there to share time but I'm not included very much. My husband was my home and shelter from the heartache of life. I know my daughter loves me very much, but she's caught up in her life. Now that I think about it, I was caught up in my life when my dad passed. I had no idea what my mom went through until now. I was like my daughter. Oh My!

Momster18, it is precisely because our adult kids and grandkids have each other to live with (and a future with them), that they are completely clueless about us.
to Shewearsblack17 : over the 3 1/2 yrs since my husband died I have identified about 2 or 3 ladies who are SAFE for me to call. The biggest test of all is who can be trusted after they open their mouth.
I would not wish widowed grief, combined with depression, upon my worst enemy.
guess what... I even called a suicide help line this year, just to hear compassion.
EVERY one of my adult kids & grandkids have someone else at home to share a future with. That's the key: having a future.

This is my first holiday season without my husband who I lost 4 months ago. I just want this season over. I am sad and alone. I miss him so much. I have some family in town but want to sleep Christmas day away. It is hard to grieve someone and be alone at home all the time. I have a good support system but they dont understand what widow life is like and they all have their people and families and their normal life. This pain is hard and always there. I hope each of you can have as enjoyable of a Christmas as you/we can have. We are all here to support one another.

Similar boat. My husband and I always worked day and night shift. He worked 6-7 days a week. Christmas Eve is our big family day. I kept it alive after my mom died. This year was going to be the second Christmas Eve he was off in out 21 years of marriage. He died 2 months ago. Because he worked we would spend the first pay in December and get all the gifts on a Saturday before the holiday. It was just this past weekend we would have went. Its the little things we did just him and I that is making this first holiday hard. I know the schedule of things we had a rhythm. This year I don't want people coming to the house and nope I don't want to go to theirs. I don't want to shop. I was big on raising my kids to understand you get a little gift to help baby Jesus celebrate his birthday. So Christmas to us was never very commercial it was games and fun and talking and eating and celebrating.
I don't have the energy for any of it. My husband is still so real here and not here at the same time. I keep feeling like he just hasn't gotten here yet. Then I realize he never will. Folks want to see me and the kids. They want us to come over and celebrate. My kids look for me to lead. Babies I can not lead right now. I call them babies but they are 17, 19 and 23. But they still wait for me to leap. I can't. I miss him terribly. My husband would be so disappointed. Its me who got him in the rhythm and I cant keep it up this year. I just want to lay down and do nothing. the world went on. I'm stuck here. The world dressed up in lights and sparkles I see it and don't. I feel like I should but I cant participate this year. It takes way to much thought and my brain just does not work. I too have a great support system. But I don't want it. I want my husband. I want him to walk in the door and me fuss cause he found yet another toy we don't need. I want my husband back whole and happy. But it must not be what I need because I sure won't ever have it again.