Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I first posted this in my journal in December 2008. Hard to believe a decade ago now! Different folks found it helpful or amusing, so I am reposting it here again. I revisit what I wrote back then every year at this time. It helps to remind me how I survived and learned to live again, and it gets me back on track even after depressing and grueling holidays. Hope it helps...
****************************************
Lists. I used to do so many lists.
There was always a list of things to do for work, neatly penned out on the standard yellow legal pad, with appropriate time management indications (3 stars must get done today, 2 stars important, 1 star maybe tomorrow, and no stars - well, whenever...). Motherhood brought a bounty of lists as I became responsible for the well-being of my two precious boys (check on progress of report on Mesopotamia, make doctors appointments for shots, call for parent-teacher conference, remember field trip money, etc.). There was the list of things I decided when I turned 40 that I wanted to do before I died or became too incapacitated to do so: learn to roller skate, take up fencing, ride a horse, visit my father's village, learn a foreign language fluently (being able to cuss in 7 languages, even with appropriate hand gestures is not enough), paint on location in Scotland, and more. We started our side businesses, and those came with their own lists (license fees due, supplies, software, equipment, show deadlines, client contacts, displays needed, custom work ordered, etc.). There were the everyday lists - grocery lists, birthday wish lists, get for the house lists, moving checklists (when we finally got the house), bills due lists (with accompanying lists of figures and budgetary calculations, of course), and gift lists... Santa apparently has it way too easy if he has only one list and only has to check that one twice.
Widowhood came along and brought its own lists (funeral arrangements, people to notify, creditors to notify, get counseling, get counseling for kids, update my will, check life insurance, - you know the drill). At one point in my grieving, my Swiss Cheese Brain Syndrome was getting so bad and I was feeling so completely overwhelmed that I finally forced myself to do an all-encompassing to-do list of all the things I needed to get done. I organized it by category (house, kids - with subcategories for each, money, legal, relocation, etc.). It was 13 pages long. I accomplished a few things on the list and promptly lost the list. Perhaps at some point I will regret losing that list. But I doubt it.
So now, on the threshold of a New Year, its time for the most dreaded of all lists - the New Years Resolutions List! Yes, that wonderful time of year where we rake ourselves over the coals, wracked with guilt and self-loathing for whatever we think we SHOULD have done or even worse SHOULD NOT have done in the past year. But I have to admit, thats the one list I never gave any credence to - the one list that was never, or at best only briefly, in my list-making repertoire. Perhaps because I've always had a sense that life was supposed to be lived everyday and that I would always be a work in progress. Don't get me wrong - I go through my own intense bouts of guilt and self-loathing, questioning my own value, my own usefulness, whether anything I have ever done will ever mean anything to anyone. I am perfectly aware of my own imperfections. But a list to remind me of those things is not something I need.
So if you're reading this and wondering what kind of advice I would give for those dreaded Resolutions Lists, this year try these:
1. Be happy for whatever and whoever you have, and whatever and whoever you once had.
2. Be grateful for small blessings, unexpected wonder, loud laughter, minor successes, and new knowledge.
3. Be selfless - every person is precious - share the wealth of yourself. Someone needs you.
4. Love whoever is still here, starting with yourself first.
5. Don't give up.
With love, hugs, and best wishes for the coming New Year to all my DS family.
****************************************
Best wishes for a HappIER New Year in 2019.....
****************************************
Lists. I used to do so many lists.
There was always a list of things to do for work, neatly penned out on the standard yellow legal pad, with appropriate time management indications (3 stars must get done today, 2 stars important, 1 star maybe tomorrow, and no stars - well, whenever...). Motherhood brought a bounty of lists as I became responsible for the well-being of my two precious boys (check on progress of report on Mesopotamia, make doctors appointments for shots, call for parent-teacher conference, remember field trip money, etc.). There was the list of things I decided when I turned 40 that I wanted to do before I died or became too incapacitated to do so: learn to roller skate, take up fencing, ride a horse, visit my father's village, learn a foreign language fluently (being able to cuss in 7 languages, even with appropriate hand gestures is not enough), paint on location in Scotland, and more. We started our side businesses, and those came with their own lists (license fees due, supplies, software, equipment, show deadlines, client contacts, displays needed, custom work ordered, etc.). There were the everyday lists - grocery lists, birthday wish lists, get for the house lists, moving checklists (when we finally got the house), bills due lists (with accompanying lists of figures and budgetary calculations, of course), and gift lists... Santa apparently has it way too easy if he has only one list and only has to check that one twice.
Widowhood came along and brought its own lists (funeral arrangements, people to notify, creditors to notify, get counseling, get counseling for kids, update my will, check life insurance, - you know the drill). At one point in my grieving, my Swiss Cheese Brain Syndrome was getting so bad and I was feeling so completely overwhelmed that I finally forced myself to do an all-encompassing to-do list of all the things I needed to get done. I organized it by category (house, kids - with subcategories for each, money, legal, relocation, etc.). It was 13 pages long. I accomplished a few things on the list and promptly lost the list. Perhaps at some point I will regret losing that list. But I doubt it.
So now, on the threshold of a New Year, its time for the most dreaded of all lists - the New Years Resolutions List! Yes, that wonderful time of year where we rake ourselves over the coals, wracked with guilt and self-loathing for whatever we think we SHOULD have done or even worse SHOULD NOT have done in the past year. But I have to admit, thats the one list I never gave any credence to - the one list that was never, or at best only briefly, in my list-making repertoire. Perhaps because I've always had a sense that life was supposed to be lived everyday and that I would always be a work in progress. Don't get me wrong - I go through my own intense bouts of guilt and self-loathing, questioning my own value, my own usefulness, whether anything I have ever done will ever mean anything to anyone. I am perfectly aware of my own imperfections. But a list to remind me of those things is not something I need.
So if you're reading this and wondering what kind of advice I would give for those dreaded Resolutions Lists, this year try these:
1. Be happy for whatever and whoever you have, and whatever and whoever you once had.
2. Be grateful for small blessings, unexpected wonder, loud laughter, minor successes, and new knowledge.
3. Be selfless - every person is precious - share the wealth of yourself. Someone needs you.
4. Love whoever is still here, starting with yourself first.
5. Don't give up.
With love, hugs, and best wishes for the coming New Year to all my DS family.
****************************************
Best wishes for a HappIER New Year in 2019.....
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I like your perspective.
Happy New Year!
Love and Hugs.
Ten years for you must seem like an eternity, but we both know that even for the new people here that even one day can seem like an eternity. Time and distance are concepts that, for us that are widowed, are of no real significance.
I hope you and the boys are doing well and may that list of all the to-dos' someday get fulfilled.
As Always, Best Regards, George.
Take care, old friend....
Love and Hugs,
Martha
LKMEB
Lisa
I had a tough holiday season this year, too.
Love and Hugs to you....
I've come back under a new acct. because I can't find my old acct. here. I am looking for a group that I thought was forming for widows/widowers who were considering meeting potential dates. Not for me because I am happily engaged to the love of my life (yes, it happened!), but for my sweet nephew who is only 40. My niece passed in 2015 and he is ready to date again, but only to find Ms. Right #2.
If you know of such a group here, please let me know.
I hope the rest of this year goes better for you. Thank you for continuing to inspire us on our journeys.