Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I have read through several of these posts and nothing seems to fit my situation. My husband passed away November 5th quite unexpectedly after a 3 month battle with alcoholic cirrhosis. With that being said we didn't have the best marriage but it wasn't terrible. He was fired from his job in June 2019, he literally sat on the couch and drank himself to death after that. I knew he was sick before his diagnosis but he would not go to the Dr until it was too late. I did everything I could to save him but he had given up and his 3 to 5 year prognosis turned in to 91 days. He was in the hospital and I had gone back to work after seeing him at lunch, he was doing better. Then the call came and my life as I knew it stopped.
I have gone through all of the motions ie: end of life decisions that he never spoke to me about, filtering through his belongings, and trying to figure out life without him. In doing this I have found I am left holding the bag on several things, he did not have life insurance so the financial responsibility has fallen on me as well as now learning all about "probate".
Since then I have been numb and mad... so mad. I am grieving the husband I married 9 years ago, not the one that decided his life was over and left me financially devistated. I went back to work right away (a week after his funeral) and am aware this is too soon as my temper has a very short fuse. I had no choice.
I guess I have no question about my grief as everyone has their own way of doing this but just wanted to see if this is normal. If there is any such thing.
I'm very sorry about your news. Unfortunately, you could not force your husband to get better or stay on a proper health plan. His is a sad story indeed. The main consideration is whether or not you want to be able to forgive him. In time you may better accept what is done is unfortunate, and while it is done, nothing will ever change what's already been done. Forgiving (not so much understanding) has to take on a new meaning for you; that you may live again as happy and peaceful. Your moods are very important for keeping in touch with your own important health concerns. Please don't hesitate to get in professional therapy or see clergy for spiritual or emotional support.
And yes, settlement of his/your estate is a big important matter here. So feeling nervous or anxious is a normal and treatable reaction.
However, since the results of his death have left you with confusion and bitter feelings, and if you are searching for productive thoughts, what's normal, and how you may successfully accommodate dealing with probate issues, then an estate attorney is your best approach. There are so many specific directions that you will need. Most people even consider counseling with a family lawyer as well. It is advisable to think carefully and do the homework surrounding your rights and remedies as a surviving spouse. A good qualified and experienced attorney will help you avoid legal entanglements as well.
I do feel for you too. Luckily for me, my departed husband had time to organize our personal and property affairs many years before dying, and I have personal experience developed by watching him in action. Praise God for that.
I admire you for taking the initiative to research the history of stories in this support group. And I'm sure that you learned something from several parts of what's posted here. It is true that not all cases will explain or make a list of what personal matters you are facing at present. Yet new stories may come to the rescue; I hope so.
Again, I'm very sad for your pain and emotional disappointments with your husband's behavior and the weight of his choices before death. Living a few more months may have made much difference and you may have been properly able to estimate particularly important information for your needs as a widow.
God bless you today. I send you love and condolences, Kdelynn.
My wife died of complications from alcoholism. One day she drank too much vodka and her heart stopped. After years of fighting and trying with her, that horrible disease took her.
I can understand how complicated your grief is, as my marriage was as you say, not always the best. Cathy was great and loving, she had demons she was not able to face and used the bottle and once it gets hold, the drinking becomes the end all be all. We too could not get life insurance due to her liver enzyme levels and she had lost her job so I get it all and it stinks!!
I am so sorry for all the extra hardships you gave and will face along with the complicated marriage feelings?!?! Just so unfair!
Take time and know it will all get better if you work at it and connect with good people
My husband was an alcoholic, too. He had no life insurance, though he did have a retirement plan. He kept withdrawing money to buy beer and cigarettes. What he had would be gone my now. I didn't know: our tax preparer told me that's why our taxes were so high. I'd suggest if you want to vent, there's a forum especially for it: Sober Recovery - Family and friends of alcoholics.
It is totally normal. I went through much the same, though my husband died suddenly at home of a pulmonary embolism. (Smoked 2 packs a day for 40 years) A lawyer will walk you through probate.
And I feel just as you do: I miss the man I married, but that person started disappearing long before my husband died. The day he told me of his cancer diagnosis, I had actually made the decision to divorce him. Of course, you can't do that to a dying man - and I still loved him. I just couldn't live with him any more. He died only a few weeks after his diagnosis.