Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Hello Everyone,
This is my first time to get the courage to start a discussion. Please bare with me. My husband Tom, of 48 years died on Aug. 3th,2012. We had his Funeral Service on Sat., Aug. 11th. . My daughter is married with a daughter 13 yrs and a son 9 yrs old. (Let me first tell you first, that her husband is very controlling, and does not want them to see us very often.)
After her Dad, and the kids Grandpa had died, they were "allowed" to come over each day, for the whole week to help me prepare. for the funeral. My son made a collage of pictures, and they both made videos..
My daughter made a video tribute to her Dad, that made you cry. My Grandkids tried to help me decide what to wear. In other words, my daughter, son and 2 Grandkids were all grieving and consoling each other, while we planned the funeral.
The funeral was very nice, and of course the family sat up front. My daughter came to the funeral, although he did not speak much to the family. The next day, my family from out-of-state took all of us out for brunch. later that day, my daughter and kids came over to my house, with a few other relatives, who were leaving for home next day.
My daughter's husband did not come that evening, but she was very friendly to me.. My son, who is single, and lost his job, moved in with
me,. you can imagine our SHOCK, when my daughter and her 2 children
NEVER have contacted us since that day.. It has been since Aug. 12,2012, over 1 year. They live 12 miles from us. I have called, left VM, sent e-mails, and wrote her nice letters, and sent cards for all occasions. NO response, at all. My son was having a difficult dealing with his Dad's death, as was I. He became very depressed, and in early Nov. I had to take him to emergency, as he felt very depressed. He was admitted and in a few days for counseling.. and some medications.
When the Dr heard that my son was depressed, as he lost his Dad, the Dr. said' it is normal to be depressed, as" you just lost your Dad".
My son spoke up, and said "it is like we "lost" 4 members of our family. Dad, my sister, my niece, and nephew. I feel the same way.
My son is still living with me, and was in the hosspital again in March of this year. He was very depressed, and diagnosed a bi-polar. He has been "up and down" in his moods. It really depressed me more.
IWe both needed our daughter, 2 Grandkids to all grieve together.
My SS is less without my husband, and my son is not working, so I am providing everything. The Dr. told my son and myself, that myson would really be a LOT better if he could see the other 3 members of family.
Our Grandson loved his Grandpa, and me, and his Uncle. He started school shortly after the funeral last year. I would think of him, and say "his Grandpa died, and he can not even see his Grandma and Uncle to help him grieve.. There has not been one day, that I have not thought of them, and prayed that there would be a good outcome to this situation. I have asked different people if I should write to a relative of his, who likes us. People say "no, do not contact anyone, as they will get upset with me, and make things WORSE. I said "how can they get any worse?"
I just found out 3 days ago, that my ankle injury from years ago, is getting much worse. I was hoping getting new orthonics in my shoes would work, I went to my Foot Dr. this week, and he saw how much worse my ankle is, and I have trouble walking. Long story short, I had a x-ray of foot this week, and get a MRI monday. I will be having a 3 hour surgery very soon to re-construct my ankle. I will be laid up for 2-3 months. I desperately need my daughter, but am afraid to ask. This is also another FIRST for me. It will be the first time, I have had surgery, or in the hospital for any reason, with out Tom here, and it is "tearing me up"..
My son eats to deal with his depression, and weighs over 320 lbs. I worry about him. I have been angry also, as I was with my husband every day for 5 months through his stroke. and he died in hospice. My son is company, but sick, so I am again a Caregiver to him. I get upset, and cry, in my room, and say " When do I get to relax and enjoy my GOLDEn years. I feel there is "NO ME". I am so sORRY, I wrote so much, but I started and couldn't stop. I needed to vent. Would love to hear from you.
thank you for listening,
alwayswithme
This is my first time to get the courage to start a discussion. Please bare with me. My husband Tom, of 48 years died on Aug. 3th,2012. We had his Funeral Service on Sat., Aug. 11th. . My daughter is married with a daughter 13 yrs and a son 9 yrs old. (Let me first tell you first, that her husband is very controlling, and does not want them to see us very often.)
After her Dad, and the kids Grandpa had died, they were "allowed" to come over each day, for the whole week to help me prepare. for the funeral. My son made a collage of pictures, and they both made videos..
My daughter made a video tribute to her Dad, that made you cry. My Grandkids tried to help me decide what to wear. In other words, my daughter, son and 2 Grandkids were all grieving and consoling each other, while we planned the funeral.
The funeral was very nice, and of course the family sat up front. My daughter came to the funeral, although he did not speak much to the family. The next day, my family from out-of-state took all of us out for brunch. later that day, my daughter and kids came over to my house, with a few other relatives, who were leaving for home next day.
My daughter's husband did not come that evening, but she was very friendly to me.. My son, who is single, and lost his job, moved in with
me,. you can imagine our SHOCK, when my daughter and her 2 children
NEVER have contacted us since that day.. It has been since Aug. 12,2012, over 1 year. They live 12 miles from us. I have called, left VM, sent e-mails, and wrote her nice letters, and sent cards for all occasions. NO response, at all. My son was having a difficult dealing with his Dad's death, as was I. He became very depressed, and in early Nov. I had to take him to emergency, as he felt very depressed. He was admitted and in a few days for counseling.. and some medications.
When the Dr heard that my son was depressed, as he lost his Dad, the Dr. said' it is normal to be depressed, as" you just lost your Dad".
My son spoke up, and said "it is like we "lost" 4 members of our family. Dad, my sister, my niece, and nephew. I feel the same way.
My son is still living with me, and was in the hosspital again in March of this year. He was very depressed, and diagnosed a bi-polar. He has been "up and down" in his moods. It really depressed me more.
IWe both needed our daughter, 2 Grandkids to all grieve together.
My SS is less without my husband, and my son is not working, so I am providing everything. The Dr. told my son and myself, that myson would really be a LOT better if he could see the other 3 members of family.
Our Grandson loved his Grandpa, and me, and his Uncle. He started school shortly after the funeral last year. I would think of him, and say "his Grandpa died, and he can not even see his Grandma and Uncle to help him grieve.. There has not been one day, that I have not thought of them, and prayed that there would be a good outcome to this situation. I have asked different people if I should write to a relative of his, who likes us. People say "no, do not contact anyone, as they will get upset with me, and make things WORSE. I said "how can they get any worse?"
I just found out 3 days ago, that my ankle injury from years ago, is getting much worse. I was hoping getting new orthonics in my shoes would work, I went to my Foot Dr. this week, and he saw how much worse my ankle is, and I have trouble walking. Long story short, I had a x-ray of foot this week, and get a MRI monday. I will be having a 3 hour surgery very soon to re-construct my ankle. I will be laid up for 2-3 months. I desperately need my daughter, but am afraid to ask. This is also another FIRST for me. It will be the first time, I have had surgery, or in the hospital for any reason, with out Tom here, and it is "tearing me up"..
My son eats to deal with his depression, and weighs over 320 lbs. I worry about him. I have been angry also, as I was with my husband every day for 5 months through his stroke. and he died in hospice. My son is company, but sick, so I am again a Caregiver to him. I get upset, and cry, in my room, and say " When do I get to relax and enjoy my GOLDEn years. I feel there is "NO ME". I am so sORRY, I wrote so much, but I started and couldn't stop. I needed to vent. Would love to hear from you.
thank you for listening,
alwayswithme
I don't know of anything that will help with the controlling husband and bring your daughter and grandchildren back into your life. That compounds your grief to the nth degree. How heart wrenching.
Your SIL sounds like a real treat. If I really were married to God I would nag him into a bit of smiting.
My heart goes out to you. Hang in there. Best wishes.
Both of your children seem to have issues of esteem going on. I am concerned with your age and the surgery, if that info is correct. You will have a harder time healing by age alone. Though your son is company to you, he needs to accept that his sister cannot cross her husband yet and may never change that. So he and his therapist must work on that. It also sounds like he needs to get up or get going, Get up and file for assistance and get going preparing for your treatment. Or step aside so others can step in.
There are some services that are accessed when you have a "disabled" person in the house with you. They cannot be held responsible for your care, so a visiting nurse and Meals on wheels can step in. Transportation help.
If he is still not officially declared disabled, that can be a stumbling block to your getting assistance, because on paper you have in home caregiver to aid you, even if it's the opposite of the reality.
Your son is being enabled by your support to leave things as they are, because it's working for him. Even if you are laid up, he doesn't lose a roof over head or food. So there is no reason to pursue a job or help.
Letting go of the " one week dream sequence" of your Daughter's behavior as something that is there to be had. It is not. Her husband is the one she is listening to now. He let her have her week to grieve, and probably thinks that is done. He probably feeds her words like:
"You don't need all that extra stress, you are doing for our family and me, that's where your priorities are." "Aren't you glad now that you(daughter) have me to take care of you, you could end up like her(mom) with out me(him)" Both of these may be keeping her with her "Loving husband provider"
They are also slight threats to leave her high and dry if she wants to rock the boat. Fear of being alone keeps her there.
Your needs are not his, so she will not be allowed that time again. The letters and cards may only aggravate the situation and feed his control over her.
Acceptance of the situation is hard enough, but adding being a widow is not helping. The "Serenity Prayer" has so many truths to it in many situations. This is one of those, hard ones.
My heart to you, you do have an uphill battle coming.