My name is Debbie. This is my first time here. I wish I had found this site months ago. My husband Shawn completed suicide December 22, 2008. Six months prior we lost our home in foreclosure. Shawn is a Vietnam Vet and struggled with drug addiction till his death. We had a terrible fight because he was hallucinating on meth. I had been under so much stress already because he had not worked for a year and I lost my temper. I said horrible things and I am so ashamed of myself. Sometimes I think I deserve this unending pain. I told him I hated him and I wanted him dead. I didn't mean it, but I said it. Somehow I thought I could "shock" him enough and snap him out of his drug use. We had fought over his drug use many times and he always said he was going to commit suicide and he would leave. I would call the police but they never did anything. After a week or two he would come home and promise never again. When he threatened suicide this time I did not call the police. I did not believe him. The last time I saw him was Dec. 19th. On December 22nd I called him. He did not answer so I left a message saying I was sorry and I didn't mean what I said. I told him I was just upset, please come home so we could talk. I wanted him home for Christmas. A sherriff called me back with the news. It's been six months now, but feels like yesterday. I replay those last two days we were together over and over in my mind, thinking about all the "what if's" and I wonder if I will ever find happiness again. Or if I even deserve it...