Oh Marie, there is so much pain written in your words. I wish that we could just wave a magic wand and our pain would disappear and the sun would light our way once more. Alas, there is not such a wand.
Take each day as it comes. When you are really down just breathe. That is an accomplishment in itself when you are feeling so low.
There is no magic cure. Just a lot of tears and heartache and gradual recovery.
Hang in there, take care of yoursef and reach out to friends, family, counsellors, whoever you are comfortable with. DS is here..we care.
Cindy
xxoo

I'm sorry for your loss and your pain. As hard as it is to hear the process and the pain will dim. You're going through so many first's and that keeps everything very sharp. I know how hard it is and how painful. You just have to get through each moment at a time and be kind to yourself. Let yourself do whatever feels like it is what will help. That means cry, hit a pillow, lay on the couch, or whatever you feel can release the tension. Some join a gym, some, like me, cuddle with my dog. For each it's individual, but for all it hurts.
I care and like Cindy I wish there was an easier way. Sorry to say there isn't. Sharon

Marie, It hurts for all of us. Just putting one foot in front of the other is difficult in the beginning. I am fortunate to have 2 friends who have walked this road before me and a support network that keeps telling me to GO SLOW. Everything in its own time.

Marie, I can tell by your typing in all caps and your wods how severe your pain is too. I, like you, am at seven months too and will tell you that I feel very similar as you. I know, it seems that we are never moving forward - only up & down and back & forth, but it is the moving around as much as possible sometimes that is the best medecine. Are you a spiritual person? Do you have children? Do you have any hobbies? Are friends and/or family nearby? Do you see a grief therapist or attend any grief therapy groups? The answers to these questions, for me, are YES. They are some of the reasons that help me get thru ONE-DAY-AT-A-TIME. They don't always work, but usually, one of them will help, even if for a little while. If it appeals to you seek out a good/comforting therapist. Try reading or any hobbie (you may have absolutely no energy to, but try hard, if only for a little while, and you may be surprised with the results). Try writing to your loving husband about how you are feeling every week or so in a private journal (you may want to share your writings w/ your therapist). Reach out to friends or family members for a date out for lunch or dinner. If you are spiritual, try delve into it deeper (research the meanings to questions that are bothering you). On special occassions try to think of a way to memorilize your husband (you feel so highly of him - show others what he means to you). For example, this past 11/1/09 I planted a flowering tree and a beautiful flowering plant near my patio to commemorate my wedding anniversary. This way I can watch & help them grow to their upmost beauty over the years to come. With the help of my therapist & the gardener we were able to choose plant & tree that match my wife's personality. I also spend hours at my wife's gravesite reading love poetry and other spiritual readings to her. It is very gratifying and enlightening - especially since some of them mean so much to both of us and others that I have never read before. Music is also a very therapuetic device for me - it soothes as well as reminds me of wonderful memories. I am aware that all of these activities are not for everyone and you may be able to come up with so many others that may be of help to you in order to get you thru the day, and also, that they don't always work, but usually if I try all of them one will grab me and take me to a good place for a while - if not, then there is always the inevitable GOOD CRY, and after that I usually feel a bit better. Also, if you do happen on other ways not mentioned here that help you get thru the day...PLEASE SHARE as we all here at DS can benefit from your ideas & help as well. Thank you if you were able to find the strength to read thru this whole response, ha! -my thoughts & prayers with you -MyRocky

I hear so much pain in your words and I know how you feel. I have said those words myself. I still cry everyday and it has been over a year and a half. I know I will never fully recover. I have my doubts about those that say they do. There will never be anyone for me but my wonderful Harry. He was the best and I wait every day to join him on the other side. I feel that every day I live it is one day closer to being with him.
We all care here at DS.
Thinking of you
Harryswidow

marie i feel your pain and i to wish we could close our eyes and the pain and hurt has gone my husband died very young 39 years old. i was silly i was left with 6 children and i never stopped i cleaned painted rooms that didnt need painting just found silly jobs to do just so i didnt have to sit and think and grief and feel like that, i look back now cause after i found nothing more to do it hit me i cracked like you the question was why i have no answers my words wont make you feel better all i can say is hang in there like i am the one good thing noone can take are your memories

Marie, I know so much the feelings you have right now. My husband died a month after yours did. Last night I was out with the dog looking up to the sky and asking the same thing, why did God take him so young? I never make it through a day without a few good cries!! I hope each new day brings a little less pain for you. You will be in my thoughts & prayers. CHERI

How do I make it through the day?

~I try to follow routines (part of the time). Haven't done very well today. I have a load of clothes in the washing machine that has been there all day.
~I read novels and magazines. They help me to think about other things.
~I have shoveled snow 1 time today. I have fed the birds at least 6 times as we have 7" of snow now. It snowed some all day long and kept covering up the seeds. Also, they were eating the seeds very fast. I take care of the dogs.
~I have started putting his journals into text files. I am doing that for me so I can think about the things we did together. I look at his pictures. I have them several different places.
~I talk to friends on the phone. I take care of personal paperwork. Whatever needs to be done. I play sudoku on the internet. I've joined facebook.
~I do think that keeping ourselves at least moderately busy helps. I am only working about 7 hours a week so that doesn't take much time. But, the tears are always there ready to start falling. He was worth the tears but they are very painful.

I'll tell you what crosses my mind sometimes. Several months before we got married my future husband and I were in his studio apt and he was making a nice dinner for me which he did every Tuesday. I remember this night very well. My husband said he thought there was something seriously wrong with him and he wondered if he would die young. He looked like the picture of health, rode his bike, looked in his early 20's although he was in his early 30's. I was like "what are you talking about?" Still - the comments scared me. I wanted to grow very old with him - the thought of ever being away from him was terrifying. He went to doctors, had tests, they could find nothing wrong - so we assumed he was wrong. Ten or 15 years later when applying for life insurance he learned he had Hepatatis C -had had it for many years- which eventually killed him. (No one was aware of Hep C in the beginning.) But - here's the point. If God or someone else had said to me "you can have this man - but you will only have him for 26 years - or - you can pick someone else and you can be married for 50" there would have been no doubt in my mind. I would have picked the 26 years and been grateful that I had found someone so right for me. I miss him very much, but I was lucky to have found the man of my dreams - some people never do - so I try to keep things positive - although sometimes it gets hard. I read comments from people about "signs" and have had some things happen in my own life - so I anticipate that I have a great guy waiting for me someday.

Marie: You are in so much pain and I understand you. I am going to my eight month and the pain is there and it is not going away. I pray to God everyday to give me the strenght and guide me through this painful journey. I know that we question our faith a lot because we want to know why God took them away. I was lucky that some of my friends were here to listen to me and they checked on me everyday. My daughter moved back home to help me. God bless you. Linda

I totally understand. At times I feel like I am seconds from going over the edge. Totally losing it. I just take a deep breath and say you can do this. Not like I really have any other chose. Hugs. Shawn

Marie,
Sudden losses are a real shock. I'm not saying they are more painful than an illness, but we are robbed of the opportunity to say good-bye or to prepare ourselves for what lies ahead. Still, the only way we can get through it all is to feel and deal with the pain until time allows us to breathe again. That old cliche about taking one day at a time is very true. Are you attending any outside support groups? I felt that helped me as well as being able to express my feelings here amongst those who are on the same unfortunate journey. After 14 mos. I am becoming a bit more stable however there are still times when the tears begin to flow. That's OK though, I accept that as part of normal. I know it is very difficult, but try to look into your future to a time when you will be able to smile again. We will all get there eventually even though our lives have been forever changed. I may no longer have my husband here, but I still hold the love in my heart that I shared with him.

Always try to remember he is with you. Just because you don't seem him doesn't mean he isn't there. That is what FAITH is all about. I get signs all the time, and I talk with him (when I'm alone). Not to say I don't brake down every now and then.Not being able to hug him and kiss him and call him whenever I want isn't easy, we married young and I try seeing it as he's on a long trip and I will see him again and will be happy to be together again. I got lucky to spend 20 plus years with my husband here , but I know I will see him again and spend eternity together. Nothing can hold us apart, our love is to strong.
If you are interested in reading try reading "Walking In The Garden of Souls" by George Anderson and Andrew Barone. It has help me when I'm feeling my lowest.
God Bless
Sally

your words could me mine. Denny died 2 years ago and I still cry every day and say why him - he was 63 - just yesterday I went out to our "shop" garage for something - a place where he spent alot of time and I said out loud "Denny, are you in here - where are you? When are you coming home?" I know it sounds crazy but that is the way I feel some times - "come home! you've been gone long enough." Many of the things mentioned by others hear are helpful to get you through the day - I understand that - but sometimes I just think "is that how I will spend my life? doing things to get me t hrough the day?" I pray many times a day for God to open a door for me and I will pray for you too.