Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
She passed 9 months ago yesterday.
I am preparing to travel at the end of next week on a business trip This
will be my first trip without my wife in 30+ years.
I know this may be trivial to some. But even thinking of this trip has been very traumatic for me for months. The anxiety is steadily increasing as I began to prepare for this dreaded mandatory
business trip and the departure date draws closer.
There is no last minute shopping for clothes or makeup or other
things. There is no appointment with a beautician to have that
special look. No checking of her medications list or double checking
her camera to ensure batteries are charged. No decisions to make about which books to take for her reading during travel or during our stay. There is no page being filled with a To Do list on a large
yellow pad to be certain she has everything she needs for the trip.
Oh how I miss scurrying around doing this and that with the little
details to get her ready for the trip. I miss it. I miss it. I miss it.
Completing the hotel guest room reservation was so bizarre. I
looked at the screen for a long period before I submitted the reservation. It just seemed to me I had made a mistake but there
it was. One person is the room. The tears flowed. Then I had to complete airline reservations for the flights and there it was
again. One passenger. Ill be sitting next to compete strangers for
the first time in 30+ years. More tears.
I have been thinking about the planned events. Everyone in
attendance is aware of what has happened as they all know her
from previous conferences throughout the world. They all adored
her. I have been thinking about how I am going to have to keep
it together as they express condolences. I am thinking about the planned events over four days and how much she would have
enjoyed this trip.
She absolutely loved room service as it was a mini-vacation for her away from the responsibilities of taking care of our home, horses,
dogs and cats. No trips to the supermarket, cleaning, cooking or whatever. Just pick up the phone and place an order through
room service.
She would have loved the places we are going to visit as charter busses move the group from location to location in the host city. Ill have to grit my teeth to move through it. I can already imagine the hands on my watch are going to stand still as I want them to
increase with speed toward leaving and returning home.
I have thought about the photographer for the conference. Over
many years past, we always posed for the photographers with
the anticipation of creating treasured memories that now appear
on the walls of our home or in my office. I shall do everything
possible to avoid the photographer. No poses alone. I dont even
want to see the photos months from now.
There is no trip extension for a few extra days after the conference
to visit a chosen special place just for the two of us. We did that so many times over the years. I booked flights non-stop to the location
and non-stop back to Houston. No four or five day layovers or
diversions anywhere. I am arriving the destination city at the last moment and leaving to return home as soon as the conference is
over. That was so odd to see the flight schedules on the screen.
Someone told me a few days ago that I should enjoy the trip and regard it as a break from reality. I beg to differ. Reality is traveling
with me from start to finish.
Family, co-workers and others dont understand. They think I should welcome the opportunity for a temporary change of scenery. I am
not being judgmental but they just dont get it.
I am not mentally ready for this trip but there is nothing I can do about it. My attendance is required due to the circumstances.
Blessings to all
Darrell
I am preparing to travel at the end of next week on a business trip This
will be my first trip without my wife in 30+ years.
I know this may be trivial to some. But even thinking of this trip has been very traumatic for me for months. The anxiety is steadily increasing as I began to prepare for this dreaded mandatory
business trip and the departure date draws closer.
There is no last minute shopping for clothes or makeup or other
things. There is no appointment with a beautician to have that
special look. No checking of her medications list or double checking
her camera to ensure batteries are charged. No decisions to make about which books to take for her reading during travel or during our stay. There is no page being filled with a To Do list on a large
yellow pad to be certain she has everything she needs for the trip.
Oh how I miss scurrying around doing this and that with the little
details to get her ready for the trip. I miss it. I miss it. I miss it.
Completing the hotel guest room reservation was so bizarre. I
looked at the screen for a long period before I submitted the reservation. It just seemed to me I had made a mistake but there
it was. One person is the room. The tears flowed. Then I had to complete airline reservations for the flights and there it was
again. One passenger. Ill be sitting next to compete strangers for
the first time in 30+ years. More tears.
I have been thinking about the planned events. Everyone in
attendance is aware of what has happened as they all know her
from previous conferences throughout the world. They all adored
her. I have been thinking about how I am going to have to keep
it together as they express condolences. I am thinking about the planned events over four days and how much she would have
enjoyed this trip.
She absolutely loved room service as it was a mini-vacation for her away from the responsibilities of taking care of our home, horses,
dogs and cats. No trips to the supermarket, cleaning, cooking or whatever. Just pick up the phone and place an order through
room service.
She would have loved the places we are going to visit as charter busses move the group from location to location in the host city. Ill have to grit my teeth to move through it. I can already imagine the hands on my watch are going to stand still as I want them to
increase with speed toward leaving and returning home.
I have thought about the photographer for the conference. Over
many years past, we always posed for the photographers with
the anticipation of creating treasured memories that now appear
on the walls of our home or in my office. I shall do everything
possible to avoid the photographer. No poses alone. I dont even
want to see the photos months from now.
There is no trip extension for a few extra days after the conference
to visit a chosen special place just for the two of us. We did that so many times over the years. I booked flights non-stop to the location
and non-stop back to Houston. No four or five day layovers or
diversions anywhere. I am arriving the destination city at the last moment and leaving to return home as soon as the conference is
over. That was so odd to see the flight schedules on the screen.
Someone told me a few days ago that I should enjoy the trip and regard it as a break from reality. I beg to differ. Reality is traveling
with me from start to finish.
Family, co-workers and others dont understand. They think I should welcome the opportunity for a temporary change of scenery. I am
not being judgmental but they just dont get it.
I am not mentally ready for this trip but there is nothing I can do about it. My attendance is required due to the circumstances.
Blessings to all
Darrell
I plan to concentrate on the thought she is with me as a part
of the means to keep it together.
Blessings -
Darrell
We also used to travel a lot to conventions and such for her business and I feel for you for having to do so without your beloved wife. Traveling has lost its appeal for me when traveling with her used to give me such joy. Not sure if I will ever get that back. Peace to you ~Pete
You know she will be with you in spirit but I also know it isn't the same. Continue staying strong in your faith my friend. It may be to late but is there a family member or friend who might could go with you? It would at least be someone else there to maybe distract you from the feelings.
Just stay in prayer and He will get you thru. Take care.
Peace, TIm
I wish I knew the words to say that would bring you a little comfort. Yes it will be very hard to make this trip without your wife physically being by your side. Things will get overwhelming at times. When you get back to your hotel room, cry if you need to, let it out. Close your eyes, touch your heart and whisper her name. She is right there, my friend, still loving and watching over you. I hope all goes well for you.
Prayers being said for you, Take Care and God Bless.
My heart goes out to you. The "firsts" are often so difficult.
Not of my own volition, but because others were asking how I might manage to do things on my own, very early on I had to think of some of the things that would be difficult, if not impossible for me to do by myself.
Until he got sick, Bernie chauffeured me everywhere. To work and home, all appointments, everything. If schedules conflicted, I could and did drive myself- but since he was largely in charge of his own schedule- it was rare that I needed to drive.
Anything out of town- someone always had to drive me. I had anxiety attacks, even as a passenger. Bumper to bumper traffic drives me insane. I just imagine the catastrophes that could happen if just one person slammed on their brakes.
Anyway, while I was still in the emotional "numb" phase, within the first couple of days after losing him, I made a mental list of all the things that would be hard for me to do without him, either physically or sentimentally. And then, as soon as possible after the funeral, like my own drill Sargent, I started forcing myself to do them. The top of my list was visiting the Cancer Center. I did that within the first week. Then, within the first month- I made two important road trips- one to visit my father, about 1 1/2 hours away but all rural highways. (Rural is easier for me.). Then a trip to Kansas City to visit Bernie's cousins and spend the night with some friends of mine. Thank God and GPS, I arrived safely at both places without needing any assistance. I am also so glad I forced myself to do those things early on... I was done with the fear and the dread quickly- and knew I could manage. But man, did I miss his companionship on both those road trips. I talked to him all the way through, both times. And yesterday I made another trip to visit the cousins again- and did the same thing. Do I sometimes catch people staring at me as I am talking to myself while driving? Yep! Do I care? Nope!
For me, these things are difficult, but no more difficult than every other thing that needs to be done without him. It is the missing him that is hardest- and that is true wherever I am.
May your journey be as peaceful as possible!
Robyne
I shall keep the advice in mind throughout this trip.
Blessings to all -
Darrell
I have talked much on here about Marylou's native beliefs, and my belief, that we do not die, our Spirit merely leaves our earthly body for the Spirit Realm...that is the Lakota belief, that what we call "death" is a continuation of the Spirit Journey.
I know for a fact that Marylou is with me, and is for the most part the only one who is, as I prepare for the sale and the move...in the many visits I have with her Spirit, she assures me that she is with me no matter where I am, as she awaits our reunion.
Some people think I sound like a lunatic when I talk like that, but I challenge them to prove that what I say is not true...that is why this has alot to do with what we choose to believe...because there is not a single solitary thing about any of this that anyone can actually prove.
Myself, I choose to believe the message I have received from Marylou's Spirit, that she is always with me..I am sure to the point of knowing it.
And I am sure your Beloved Wife is also with you, wherever you go.
Travel Safe, My Friend..
I have decided I am going to try to stop treating this
mandatory trip as a sort of monster that I have been
envisioning for months. It is just a business trip and
I have to get it in my head that she is with me. I shall
carry a large photo of her to place in my room as I
have to be able to say good night as I do at home.
A co-worker told me to use the trip as an opportunity
to " create new memories " but that is far, far beyond
my grasp or abilities. I want no lasting memories of
my first trip without her. Recalling the anguish I have
been going through for months and going on the trip
itself would not be memories I would wish to recall.
My attendance is mandatory. I actually chose the city
myself as I moved the world conference from Milan
( Italy ) to the U.S. I simply could not go back to Italy
without her and I moved it to the U.S. after the Paris
attacks. My wife and I never visited this particular city
in the 30+ years we were together. I thought it would
be easier to go there but that has not been the case.
I am going to try to treat it as though she is with me
and is just up in the room while I am in meetings. She
will be with me in spirit and thought as she is at all
times.
Thanks again -
Darrell
Darrell, you are so right - others really don't understand. I teach at University and have 4 months off. Basically a 4 month long weekend. Ugh. So many people have suggested that I travel by myself and enjoy the time. I think that comes from people who are busy and wish for some alone time. They don't get that we have way more alone time than we ever wanted. As it turns out I AM taking a trip to a conference and then carrying on to NYC with a friend in a couple of weeks. I do get anxious about it now and then too. It may be difficult. My hubby was a huge Yankee fan and NYC was a special place for us. I have prepared my friend for the possibility that I will have teary moments. But, like Robyne, I want to get some of these "firsts" behind me and to try to give these places and events new meaning. Of course the memories will be there, but new memories will be made.
As the saying goes (paraphrased as I don't exactly remember it), when I wonder how I am going to survive a difficult moment, I remind myself that my success rate is 100 per cent so far. Not always pleasant or enjoyable, but we are doing it - moment by moment, event by event.
I hope it goes as well for you as possible. I always take a picture or two with me when I go.
Blessings,
Kate