I haven't had bad dreams in a while, but last night I dreamed I went down to the mortuary to discuss the completion of the epitaph for -you know - the headstone.  My pastor met me there.  Anyway, it was late in the afternoon.  Another lady was browsing through their large book of emblems, so they gave me several smaller books to look through (I had to get them from a paper bag). I didn't find anything I was interested in, so I was digging in my handbag for some piece of paper I was supposed to take, and I couldn't find that.  They were getting ready to close (at least their office was), and my pastor was needing to leave, I could tell, so I just left.  Nothing accomplished.  I woke up tired and sore.  It would be nice to have this done by Christmas so I could put some poinsettas in the vase, maybe a wreath.  I started this and then got sick and put it on hold.  I don't go out there often because I just sit in my car and cry.  I need some closure.  That doesn't mean forgetting the person, but it does mean being able and "allowed" to move forward.  We didn't get to discuss the "what ifs" in advance, plus I was in denial, but I had told him one time that if I were to go first, for him to remarry (because I know he would have, and I would want him to be happy).  Whether I do or not is yet to be known; it would have to be a Godsend of a special Godly man who would cherish me and want to spend lots of time together. That's a pretty tall order, I know.  Life is just too short to spend it all alone unless that is what a person wants.  I do not want a dog or a cat or a goldfish or even another female roommate, nor do I want my son to move back in with me.  I know this will trip some triggers, but this is a place where we can express our deep, dark secrets.  This is where I am in my thinking, although in reality I am not quite ready.  The evangelist said last night, "Sometimes the Lord says, 'Not yet.' to our prayers." So we wait and proceed with caution.  Well, on with the day...