I can't offer any suggestions as at 13 months I am having the same struggle. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone on this one either..........hugs

I relate to everything you are saying.

It helps me to do something creative. The hardest part is getting started. My mind tells me that there is no point, that I will never feel good again. If I get past the mental block and begin the project, I start to feel better.

This morning I worked on decorating my patio. It gave me some joy.

HEY!!! Stagnating is very hard work, it seems to occupy all of my time anyway. I have many suggestions to enhance the stagnation process, however, i can't help you with what you want. Sorry : (

After our live's have been turned upside down, I find that mistakingly, the automatic human reaction is to want to create more change for ourselves, shutting ourselves off to the normal flow of life thinking that external change will somehow put our internal turmoil to rest. I don't profess to know everything, short of it, but I do know one thing, that life happens the way it is supposed to happen and the only way to adapt to your new life is to allow it to flow. We don't have any control over the happenings of life, we are not that powerful! but we do have control over our peace of mind. Hardly anyone is aware of the beauty and wonder of a really silent mind. It is only in the silence of the mind that one can know oneself and also realize the purpose of life, if any. We must not preoccupy ourselves with the external -- when your inner world (your mind), is at peace, the external world adjusts to it. You don't need to do anything except tend to your inner self and the rest will fall into place exactly the way it is supposed to happen. Peace and Love to you! Hugs! Connie

First of all You should not beat yourself up for what you are feeling.
And you have every reason to be struggling, it seems your loss in the beginning you were helped because you had a support person even though maybe he was just there, once he left the real emptiness began. And its the loneliness and emptiness that is a tough one.

1) What would do you if you just moved into your place to make it just YOURS? Paint a room just one that will be an expression of just you: the girly you - the tomboy you - the things just YOU alone would love about it. Bring in new photos/pictures expressions of YOU. Just a small step to beginning to be just YOU. I found it helped me.
2) Many people suggest if you can volunteer at something you are passionate about (if you can): animal shelter, nursing home, school to help little ones to keep up on reading...

Its true our social group we had no longer fits either - it was a couples group & now I am no longer a couple just got forgotten or feel more lonelier than ever...IT is hard for me as I live in a very rural area with small numbers of people & nearest larger town is not cost effective w/gas prices these days...

And read some good books on grief and loss of your loved one - there are many that make you see how what you are feeling makes sense...

I wish you the best...HUGS from PNW

Connie (LovesJoe) your words ring so true for me. I combed the classified section this morning! Our whole department at the newspaper is moving operations out of state. I'm still on severance pay, and when that's done I can collect unemployment for the first time in my life. I need to take your advice.

I seem to have a "what's next" hang up. In yoga when we are getting ready to stretch , the instructor says "you have no place to go....nothing to do" For years, I was busy, scheduled, hassled and just tired. I keep trying to swim upstream fighting retirement. I never thought I was one to fear change, so I have to work at this "challenge" too.

I wish I could give advice. I have volunteered, gone to Meet Ups, taken classes - all those things. I need to find peace, not worry about giving a report on what I'm doing. I recently started looking at Facebook, but it is starting to depress me.

Maybe I'll start making up fake "statuses" just got back from ----skydiving.....found a cozy restaurant in Jamaica.... Instead of the mundane stuff ...????

When does the calm set in? Don't know but I'm going to try to let it flow. If it is to be, it's up to me. Good luck everyone finding the flow.

LOVED what loves Joe said.

We are all so (very much including me) into having to do all and be all. OR we think we are not accomplishing anything.

You know, I really am not well travelled, haven't been to Europe, never walked in the desert, never saw the Eiffel Tower up close, have no big wonderful adventures to report.

But in my mind and I hope it's right for me, I have accomplished much. I have 3 children and two stepchildren I adore. @ grandchildren I adore, Parents that I cared for the best I could and loved, and a man who I completely adored and gave the same back to me.I have a small comoftable home, that I take care of and help my two youngest children get their feet off. I still have to work hard, and they are long hours, but worth it. It's helping little babies grow into people.

the most exciting thing I have done was to marry my soulmate even though I had to lose him.

I think humbly, that looking into yourself, and being true to who that is in the nOW which is the hard part is all you can do, and then your way will be found mostly when you aren't even looking for it.

I sure hope that makes sence. It does in my head anyways.

HUGS and give yourself a break, take time to just BE for a bit. then maybe it will come to you when you are OK with just being YOU.KNOWING THAT YOU is enough.

Diane

Connie expressed it so lovely, yet I fell into that introspective mode by accident. My favorite advise is take care of you. Thats what helped me the most. I spent quiet time watching the clouds float by, I spent time sitting by the water, anything I can think of that would be relaxing. I listened to music that was calming. I looked inside to who I was. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it. Sharon

Brilliant answers. I get hung up on making things happen so I don't have to feel the pain. Getting used to semi retirement AND widowhood is a lot, but I am starting to just enjoy a day more whether or not I accomplish anything. Talking to the neighbors, scratching dogs ears, these are important too. Quite a change from my old, 50hours a week work schedule, but I guess it's time! I do enjoy needlework, language study and volunteering, too. I think my Higher Power probably gets some chuckles out of watching me try to slow down! May we all find peace in this life and the next!

It seems to me you have already taken the first step, and that is, you have the DESIRE to live your God-given life. I know I am blessed in that I also have this desire. I know that the desire itself is a gift. I also know that my late husband always expected and wanted me to go on with a full life after he would be gone. He too had cancer, and though I had hoped that he was finally cancer-free after five good years, he always felt in his heart that it would come back and take him. Perhaps that's why I KNOW beyond doubt what he wanted for me. Because he often talked about 'when I'm gone'. So maybe that knowledge makes it easier for me to 'go on' now. But I don't just want to live because HE wanted me to. It's not just for his sake, but for my own. And I only accomplish it day by day by surrendering each day to God's will, and I have not been disappointed in the results. I pray for all of us who must go on.

And even though we all understand the pain of loss as no one else does (who have not experienced it) I can also see by all the different posts that even among this 'club' of survivors, each one's experience is completely different.

You will be all right.
Love and hugs, Marcy

I love the suggestions and insights shared here. I also desire to have a full life and want this for MYSELF and also in honor of Stan. I don't know what that looks like exactly, but I'm fine with that. I know we often encourage or are encouraged by others to "fill" our time. It's well meaning, but there is a balance between running from our sorrow and grief----never getting through it, understanding the impact, and learning our way in this different life we now have---and not being stagnant and feeling purposeless. So much of life is a balancing act.

I have read many helpful books and am in the process of The Grief Recovery Handbook. There is a counselor trained in this method that I will contact and see if I can meet, or I will do the book on my own. I am at the point in my walk that I want to progress further in my healing.

Just being at the point that we want to heal is progress. At the beginning months, I didn't want to get better and then I was able to realize that didn't honor Stan more---but less. It is work, but worth it to live life to the fullest. That certainly doesn't mean tears won't fall, and moments won't be terribly hard, the missing of our old life deeply felt-----but there's a joy in my heart of memories I thought long forgotten that as I quiet myself I remember with a smile, and a few leaky tears. I appreciate the simple but beautiful events---hugs and smiles from my kids and grand kids. I relate to my adult kids as adults----without judgment. I don't HAVE to offer unsolicited advice to them.(that's a minor miracle in itself!!!) I still have my sense of humor. I haven't saint-ized my relationship with Stan. He could be a pain in the butt at times, but surprise, surprise I think I was more of one. He was a wonderful and normal husband. He loved me well and had great confidence in me that I am finally absorbing deep within me.

I wish for all of us, as we walk through the hardest walk of our lives that we find the way to the best possible lives we can.

With love and hugs,
Sallie