I am always trying different ways to make myself feel something, a spark of enthusiasm about something, joy in my soul from the beauty of nature.  I love life and I have felt dead inside for what seems like forever.  Maybe it is a short time in some eyes (6 months) but for me it feels like an eternity.

In the last week, I have felt more than a glimmer of hope that I might get back to the person I once was.  An actual feeling of excitement, a little bit of what feels like a surge of happiness.  Yes, there are still tears and a feeling of loneliness at times, and I will always and forever and ever miss my Rick and wish he was with me - but I feel I am moving forward.  Not forgetting him, but moving forward with his memory.

Could it be the walks on the beach while breathing in that salt air, listening to the waves crashing, looking at the sun sparkling on the waves?  

Could it be the Talking to Heaven cards a friend gave me - she said so I could talk to Rick whenever I wanted?  I don't know if I believe in it or not but I AM open minded.  So I gave it an honest try.  Maybe those messages on the cards are designed to be perfect in every situation, but maybe not.  The cards that I did turn up felt like very personal messages.  Maybe that's all that matters.

Could it be the books I have been reading on the afterlife and angels?  Is it possible that he really is with me in spirit?  Even the possiblity gives me a bit of comfort.  

Could it be the Relay for Life I have joined to raise money for the Canadian Cancer Society?  I am leading the fundraising efforts for our team and will be walking in memory of Rick in June.  I feel this is the only way I have to fight back against the killer that took my man way too soon.  Money raised will go towards research and helping other families.  I am talking about how cancer affected me and maybe I can help others.

I don't know the reason, but something is working - because I feel a stir in my soul that I haven't felt since he was diagnosed.  And I am excited.