I am sorry for your loss and all the pain you are in. My husband died suddenly of a heart attack at just 55, so I understand the shock and the pain. My boys are a lot older but they are disabled (autistic), so I had problems right away with finding alternatives to the care arrangements we had in place while my husband was alive. It was a nightmare for me.

A couple of things -- first off, your son should be entitled to survivor benefits under your husband's Social Security. You will need to call Social Security to apply for that, and at the same time if you have not already applied for it, apply for the one-time death benefit - it's only about $250, but every little bit helps these days. Your son may be entitled to additional benefits, like healthcare, I am not sure, so you should ask. If you can get some additional financial assistance via the Social Security, it may make the rest easier. You may qualify for benefits as well; that depends on what you are earning now. I made over the threshold, so I did not qualify, but my son did.

You may want to check your benefits package from work to see if there is an Employee Assistance Program which could provide counseling. The job I had when Cliff died had an EAP, and I received counseling for free through that. You are likely to need help working your way through this, and if there is an EAP then that would be a good place to start. Some EAP's also offer information or referrals for things like childcare. It's worth checking. My bosses knew I was getting counseling through our EAP, and I think that helped them understand that I was serious about getting my head together and doing a good job, and probably helped save my job. I made the effort, and they stood by me. Does that make sense?

Some school districts run pre-schools, or the old Head Start programs, which might be an answer for you. You may have to pay to bring a nanny in during the interim. That's another reason it's important to call Social Security and get whatever financial assistance you can for your son's care.

Three is a rough age, even when you have both parents. They go from the "terrible twos" to the "tumultuous three's" it seems. Have you spoken with your pediatrician? They may be able to give you some advice on how to handle your son and his questions, and may even have some info re childcare they could pass on. Another conversation to consider....

I know it's hard, especially on the eve of the holidays. My husband died Veterans Day, so I went through Thanksgiving, one of the kids' birthdays, Christmas, and New Year's all within 6 weeks. It sucked. We got through it, though, and you will, too.

I am sorry you needed to be here, but glad you found us. I hate to welcome anyone to this sorrowful group, but want you to know you are welcome here.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure it is so hard for your son to understand being so young. My hubby too had no health problems. Then he was diagnosed with leukemia and died at age 46 after an 18 month battle on 12/17/14. My girls are 16, 13, & 11. I am still in shock that he will not be here to see all of their milestones. Graduations, weddings, grandchildren. So not fair for kids to grow up without a father. I feel your pain.

Just want you to know I am so sorry for your loss.

I am sorry for your sudden, devastating loss. We are all here for you, to help you through this devastating time. My heart breaks for you and your little boy,
Love and prayers for you,
Sandra

I am sorry your husband passed away. My husband passed away at age 52 in march. Its very hard, but look to your son, trust me he is more resilient than you think. Your doing a great job, and you don't always have to keep it together. I think there is nothing wrong with explaining your sadness to your son, in a way he can understand. Nothing wrong with him seeing you sad sometimes, and I know it has to be hard to hide it all he time. You may fall apart at the holidays, and that is ok, we all have been there. Its been very hard on my girls, but we are getting through it, and you will too. Its not an instant fix, it takes time, just let yourself grieve at your pace, in your own time. big hugs carla

I'm so very sorry. I know what a heartbreak this must be. At least my children were grown.
Martha gave excellent advice. There is benefits out there for you and your little boy. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Dolores

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my wife 3 years ago to suicide. The pain never completely goes away. We had no children, but a cat, who I still have.

Martha has some really good advice.

I know the holidays are always hard. They are always hard for me. My wife died in the middle of October so October is the most intense month of the year for me, starting with my birthday, midpoint her deathiversary and then Halloween and Dios de Los Muertos at the end of it. We always dressed up and celebrated Halloween together.

We always sent out Christmas cards of the two of us dressed up with the pets dress up in clothes too. Those days are gone.

The holidays are a lot harder now. I am trying to stay positive. Make plans with my parents and other family for the holidays so I have something to do. It's hard.

Your mission and your journey now is to find out who you are without your husband. I am 3 years along that journey and realizing things every day. You will too.

Your story is heartbreaking and I am so very sorry for your loss. My wife Amy died in Feb. at 48 as well, way too young. I will be 57 next month and we always joked how she would be taking care of me in my old age.
The early days and months are nearly unbearable but you will get through it. I am still going through my year of firsts and with her two favorite holidays coming up, Halloween and Christmas, I am anticipating rough days ahead.
Whether our loved ones die of a lingering illness or suddenly and shockingly we all feel the intense pain of grief. My Amy died suddenly and shockingly. I was in a zombie fog for months but stay strong and eventually the fog will clear a bit, at least to breath a little.
Amy and I were together for 20 years and we did not have any children, although we tried. I can't imagine how I would handle having a small child and losing my love but many in this group have and are doing just that and have a lot of insight on how they are surviving.
Please know you are not alone in this awful journey. Take care of yourself. ~Pete

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost mine suddenly on April 9th. There is truly nothing that can prepare you for such a shock or the endless waves of grief that seem to appear out of nowhere. Now, 6 months out, I am only beginning to piece my life together. I cannot imagine trying to do this with a small child. I'm sending you big hugs and blessings for you both.
I can say that this site has been very helpful for me to not only share but, relate and receive comments from others. It helps to know you are not alone; we are here with you.
-Becca

Your head and heart are full......Don't be hard on yourself. You may fall apart, you may crumble to the floor.......You are a mother of a small child who will look for you to guide him. When you fall apart and when you crumble he will see that you are alive and feeling. Hold him tightly and let him know that all these feelings are real, not right, not wrong, just real. And, you both will get through this together!

You will find your new identity, your new reality and your new self.

Life will have new meaning for you both.....You are a team now and will forage through the grief and sadness together as a partnership.

I wish you well, peace and grace.

Warmly,
Roz

I was 4 yrs old when my father died relatively quickly.
He was misdiagnosed and treated incorrectly.
Therefore he did try to explain to me that he was going away and I "wouldn't se him for a long long time" . I told him I wanted to go with him! and he told me I was staying with my mom. I begged to go with him. but had no idea it was death.
I don't know how old your son is.
But I can say that I think the single most DIFFICULT thing which FELT harmful to me was, my mom not trying to explain anything to me.
She was the type who stuffed things down and didn't deal with them. It was just her own way of making it easier for herself.
As I got older, I would persist in asking questions.
At the time he died, only ONE aunt tried to explain when I asked why everyone was crying.
I vividly remember her effort!
But I was too young to understand the concept of "He went to heaven".
I grew up constantly confused by my Dad being suddenly gone.
I spent lots of time privately expressing anger at God as I got old enough.
It kind of depends on the childs age. You have to try to fashion how you explain it, according to where they are developmentally, at the time of communicating.
When I was young, nearer his death, my cousin tells me how I would be driving around with family, and I would see the kind of car he drove, and I would INSIST "THERES my daddy! There he is!"
and my aunt or cousin- or whoever was with me" all said it was SO sad. Heartbreaking. because I recognized the correct kind of car and insisted that he must be in it. but of course, my dad never was.
I think the best thing you can do is keep trying to address his questions and emotions, at various ages.
If you have your own beliefs, try to explain those at his age level.
A child therapist to help teach you delivery (who really shares your own beliefs!) continuing involvement might help, in doing things age-appropriate.
I know you are hurting so much right now.
As a child who grew up wanting SO MUCH to get explanations, an not getting enough to help me. I would just recommend TRYING to grow, right along with your boy, in making efforts to learn how to continue growing, and attempting to address what he feels, and understands.
I just felt ripped off my whole life. I missed him.
I wanted to understand "something".
Children are inherently insatiable. They want info. and They want their parent.
You will have to continually be trying to catch up with his needs.
It doesn't matter so much whether you are GOOD at it, as him seeing that you love him enough to try to meet his needs.
Sometimes, it is as simple as crying WITH him because you both miss Daddy. Don't feel like a failure for emotions. Share them together.
Or letting him express anger, and that is OK, because you are angry too, that the man you love can't come back.
I would recommend empathy and not trying to deny what YOU feel too, especially when you feel the same as your son.
The fancy info, like being in heaven (or whatever) is just part of what he really needs.
I do admit the heaven explanation was helpful at the time.
Since when I asked "where is heaven?" and my aunt pointed up in the sky, and told me Heaven was way up higher and past what I could see.
I used to stand and stare up in the sky and beyond the clouds. but only came up with how far away it was.
Photos of him helped.
Video would of seeing him walk and talk would've been the absolute Bomb! but there were none.
I would give my eye teeth to be able to hear his voice and see him walking and talking.
Maybe someone else who knew and loved your husband can help. You are so torn up at this time.
Feel free to send me msgs, questions.
but I only can speak from a childs perspective of remembering what was so difficult.
and yes, my mom got social security to help raise me. it helped quite a lot, as she struggled to raise kids.

I am so sorry for your loss of your precious husband and your son --now without his daddy. I read AfterMom's reply and she had some very insightful thoughts since her father died when she was so young. I attended a support group where her husband passed from a heart attack on their son's first birthday. She went back to school, her parents helped with daycare. She was taking it a day at a time. Sending you mega hugs....

I'm sorry for your loss. Our son was 8 when my wife passed, it's not easy but you can do it. She passed on Thanksgiving in 2012, sometime in December he came to me looking really scared and asked if there was going to be a Christmas. I don't know if he was scared to ask, or that I would say no. I told him "of course there will be Christmas". Right then we set up the tree together, no it wasn't the same, never will be, but I knew I couldn't just give up like I wanted to. I had to let him know that things would be ok, and that life could go on. Try not to dwell on future sadness, just get through one day at a time to start.

As far as your job, depending on how big your company is, you can take fmla leave.