Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
It is amazing the little things that you take for granted before you experience the catastrophic loss of your other half. Who knew how much grief can take from you?
For me, I have come to realize that grief has even taken away the enjoyment from the most mundane activity: watching TV. I can't even have TV as an outlet of escape from my sad reality.
I can't watch certain programs such as Blue Bloods or Law and Order: SVU because they were Michael's favorite. I can't watch anything on Food Network because he absolutely loved to cook. (He was the head chef in our family, I was the sous chef always cleaning the mess.)
On top of that, I can't bring myself to watch the programs that only I previously enjoyed because I can hear him fussing in the background because he didn't want to have to sit through and watch my boring history/DIY/sitcom shows.
Grief has also brought about a sad realization that when it comes to my feelings and moods, even my previous close friends just don't get it.
Michael and I were not social butterflies, we were content with just having each other. But, I did have a few close friends. One in particular was a co-worker that I'd known for several years. I spoke with her throughout Michael's hospital stay and she placed him on her church prayer list. I'd text her with updates. Once he passed on 2/24, she followed-up with a "thinking of you" text the next day. I didn't hear from her again until 3/22 with another "thinking of you" text. Then, this week she just texted me asking if I wanted her to put me on her church's list for a free oil change this weekend. I did not respond.
I work at the hospital where Michael passed away. Ironically, this is not too hard on me because I feel like he's with me. I haven't gone to the CCU unit, I don't think I could handle that.
But, my other "gripe" is with the palliative care social workers that came to speak with me and my children while he was dying and when he passed. Now, they just walk right on by without any acknowledgement accept a passing "Hello" or passing "How are you doing?" I want to scream, "How do you think?!" How can you participate in such a personal and life-impacting situation with someone and then just move on and enjoy your own existence?
The only person that actually stops and is genuinely concerned is the Chaplain who was there with us at his time of passing.
Maybe I'm being unreasonable, expecting more than what the majority of people are willing to give. I know that people in the healthcare field see situations like mine all the time. I know that desensitization is key to survival in their career. I just wish that they could see that this was a life-altering, mind-numbing, heart-wrenching ordeal from which I might not ever possibly recover.
I just get disgusted with people. Am I alone in that feeling? I don't expect the world to bend to me and my sorrow. Just a little acknowledgement would be appreciated.
I have an appointment with a therapist next week. Not a moment too soon, right? :-)
Thanks to all of you for letting me vent and complain.
For me, I have come to realize that grief has even taken away the enjoyment from the most mundane activity: watching TV. I can't even have TV as an outlet of escape from my sad reality.
I can't watch certain programs such as Blue Bloods or Law and Order: SVU because they were Michael's favorite. I can't watch anything on Food Network because he absolutely loved to cook. (He was the head chef in our family, I was the sous chef always cleaning the mess.)
On top of that, I can't bring myself to watch the programs that only I previously enjoyed because I can hear him fussing in the background because he didn't want to have to sit through and watch my boring history/DIY/sitcom shows.
Grief has also brought about a sad realization that when it comes to my feelings and moods, even my previous close friends just don't get it.
Michael and I were not social butterflies, we were content with just having each other. But, I did have a few close friends. One in particular was a co-worker that I'd known for several years. I spoke with her throughout Michael's hospital stay and she placed him on her church prayer list. I'd text her with updates. Once he passed on 2/24, she followed-up with a "thinking of you" text the next day. I didn't hear from her again until 3/22 with another "thinking of you" text. Then, this week she just texted me asking if I wanted her to put me on her church's list for a free oil change this weekend. I did not respond.
I work at the hospital where Michael passed away. Ironically, this is not too hard on me because I feel like he's with me. I haven't gone to the CCU unit, I don't think I could handle that.
But, my other "gripe" is with the palliative care social workers that came to speak with me and my children while he was dying and when he passed. Now, they just walk right on by without any acknowledgement accept a passing "Hello" or passing "How are you doing?" I want to scream, "How do you think?!" How can you participate in such a personal and life-impacting situation with someone and then just move on and enjoy your own existence?
The only person that actually stops and is genuinely concerned is the Chaplain who was there with us at his time of passing.
Maybe I'm being unreasonable, expecting more than what the majority of people are willing to give. I know that people in the healthcare field see situations like mine all the time. I know that desensitization is key to survival in their career. I just wish that they could see that this was a life-altering, mind-numbing, heart-wrenching ordeal from which I might not ever possibly recover.
I just get disgusted with people. Am I alone in that feeling? I don't expect the world to bend to me and my sorrow. Just a little acknowledgement would be appreciated.
I have an appointment with a therapist next week. Not a moment too soon, right? :-)
Thanks to all of you for letting me vent and complain.
Someone told me when people behave this way, it's because they don't know how to deal with 'us' and that they don't mean to ignore us. But to me, that's just wrong and it hurts
Why do people behave this way? I have absolutely NO idea. It boggles my mind and has from the first week. Patricia, how can your sister not know how to deal with you? I can't understand that.
And meg, agreed, it's like they think death and grief might rub off on them...like years ago you didn't speak of cancer because what? You thought you could catch it? WTH...
I understand your dilemma about watching TV kcclark. I had problems in the beginning, but I started watching only what I liked (because we don't always love what our spouse watched, do we?) and kept at it. I couldn't read at first, all of this is probably a concentration issue. I started reading books about being a widow on my Kindle and I could at least do that. Now I don't read that anymore, I can read fiction again and TV is back! Yay!
A therapist could really help if they are good. I have been attending a grief support group twice a month and it has been interesting, but actually not too much of a help. I believe the group is too big, and by the time everyone goes around the circle and tells their story, time's up! I would like time to discuss what helps and what doesn't, but time is a real problem in this group. But I keep on attending anyway.
Big hugs to you...
MysticDay
I don't know if I should be hurt, feel excluded or just not give a darn!
I'm a pretty put-together woman but man I'm starting to unravel mighty fast here!
Expecting anyone who has not experienced losing a partner [I'm not talking about being divorced], I mean death has separated you, will NEVER understand what it feels like. And, because of that we should be treated with care and gently loved by others [I'm afraid this is asking for too much!]
I'm telling you, if I'm NOT treated with gentle, love by all.......I'm not leaving my home!!!!
The large group you belong to should be split in half so that it can remain effective for all of you.
Roz
I think most people are simply more aware of their own reality then they can ever be of another's...just like Roz said, anyone who has never experienced the loss of a spouse has no real way of KNOWING what it feels like.
For the people who surround us, they get to go home to a life that has not changed and is still complete...they just have no way of knowing that for us, "going home" is a hellish ordeal of perpetual loneliness, the cold house, the cold bed, the cold tomorrows.
THEY have "gotten over it" fairly quickly, because theirs is not the loss...they cannot begin to imagine what it is like to feel absolutely alone in the world...and so when they apply their own lack-of-loss to us, their expectation is that we should be "over-it" just as quickly as they were.
It takes a very exceptional kind of compassion for someone who has not experienced loss, to be compassionate of someone who
has...an almost "Mother Teresa" level of compassion...everybody else? Ehh...too busy.
In the 11 months since what I call "12", I have begun a friendship with a very special lady, a widow, who at this time is the only person I know who seems to even know I am still alive...she knows who she is, and having the shared experience, she is the only one who knows what it means to me.
I think instead of "address book changing", maybe a better word is that our address book is "shrinking"...because that's what mine is doing, real fast.
And, I'm afraid, it's probably a one-way-street.
Yes...eventually, I will "get-over" that.
Always Sue
It's funny you would mention the crime shows you did. My wife watched those and more. I can't watch them now. I have to change the station everytime. I can't really watch the ones I used to when she was here. It's like that life has completly dissolved.
But your not unreasonable looking to friends to be friends. That was a huge shock to me, the way people we knew just became invisable. I tried to understand initially but now I just don't have time for them. Please take care.
Peace, Tim