Know what you mean. That's what we're here for.

Sandy,
I hear you so loud and clear! Our lives are forever changed......where is the old us? Where did she go and who said I wanted her to leave!

We had no choice in this.....it happened to us.....and, I don't like it either!

Being "pissed" is the nature of things right now!

I'm with you,
Roz

Yup . . . no shame in being f'n PISSED! Anger has been my best friend for the past 14 months. Try to use it to "motivate" you in a good direction when you can. Otherwise, get some cheap plates/glasses to break or a ballbat to beat the s**t out of something (not someone). I beat my parkbench to smithereens and it felt great afterward!! Otherwise, I try to direct my anger into therapeutic cleaning, writing or simply venting here and to the Universe at large. Sigh. No easy answers. Exercise helps also, run, cycle, power walk . . etc. Vent away, this is a very normal emotional process in grief!! Hugs, D

So sorry, Sandy. I'm sure it is extremely hard to deal with your own grief as well as that of your young children. My children were grown and married when my husband died almost 7 yrs. ago. I was fortunate to have a long marriage; it was 50 yrs. & 8 mo. He was very ill during most of his last yrs., and I was a caregiver. I'm thankful I was well at the time and able to do all that was required.

DS members know how you feel and we do care. Just unload that anger here - we don't mind.
Wishing you peace - Doye

Thank you all so much. I do need to start exercising again; when I do I carry a big stick that I have used to beat medal railings with while underneath a bridge. But I always look around to see if someone is looking so I don't know if I'm truly releasing my anger. Yesterday I watched the video we made that played before my husband's funeral, I watched it at least 15 times and I cried so hard and so long that my entire face hurt and I had to take 2 extra strength Tylenol for the pain. Then I was angry with myself because I could hear my husband saying "ok when are you going to stop and pull yourself together?"

Sandy: Cut yourself some slack. Be angry, you have been given a shitty shitty deal and it sucks. Sometimes you just have to vent it and let it out. It's OK and we get it. Sometimes you can't pull yourself together and that's OK too. It just is. I spent one night reading my husbands obituary over and over. Spent the whole night crying in front of a computer and felt like an idiot. Couldn't stop, couldn't go to sleep. I will say running and exercise helped.
Please give yourself a hug,
Val

Totally understand...I've been going through the exact same thing...tomorrow will be 14 weeks...and I just want him back...and I know that is impossible...and I've been angry, bitter, depressed...I have been left with an autistic 19 year old to care for on my own, who didn't deserve to lose his dad. I feel that it is only because of my love for my son that I am still on this planet...it's like life is ruined, it will never be the same, there is no joy, no hope... and so yes, I totally get what you are saying because I am also pissed...and heartbroken. .I just hope that somehow, some day, it gets better for all of us...

My anger comes and goes. I find that the smallest hiccup can start it and then it builds. Our lives have changed so much and we didn't get to choose, so i think it is okay that we get angry. I am hoping it leads to acceptance.

I appreciate you sharing your anger. I'm just learning how to even express anger (which is very difficult for me). But this week I was at a yoga class called "Yoga through Loss" and it was very amazing what happened. We were at the end of the session just visualizing a healing green light emanating from us, but all I could see was a blinding red swirling rage. So I believe that when I am quiet and still, I can actually realize that what I feel is pure anger at this point. But I do a lot to cover it up and that's not good. So here's to being honest about what we feel, even when that is pure anger.

Thanks Val, I tend to think that I should be able to handle anything that life throws at me with my head held high and without missing a beat. This grief thing has beat me. My 13 year old wants to run cross county next year so I'm going to train with him this summer...I just hope I don't run away.

Wendimac...I also hope that it gets better for us all. This a pain that I wouldn't wish on anyone. It hurts like crazy and I doubt everything that I was once kinda sure about. You and your son are in my thoughts, I think my kids have saved me too.

Bookdragon...I love that..."I hope it leads to acceptance" because I have even found that hard to do; accept that he's gone.

Lisastp...I have considered yoga as well, I've never heard of "Yoga through Loss".

Thank you all!!!

Yes the "Yoga through Loss" class is at Samaritan Hospice near me, and it's just four sessions, with the idea being that you use those poses on your own at home also. Maybe other grief counseling centers have a class like this too.

You have every reason for the anger you feel. Don't worry about it lasting forever, it's a visitor that visits frequently. Life is unfair and this is the biggest unfairness we suffer without understanding. Your feelings are shared by many of us and we understand. Sharon