Rick, I personally believe that the vows release us to remarry. Although I do have respect for those who choose not to remarry, we are given the option, I understand that it is probably harder on those who have only experienced one long-term wonderful marriage . My only advice, as I mentioned on the other thread, is to not rush into anything. If at some point in time you feel ready to date or to have a good female friend, don't let anyone shame you. I know the tradition is to wait one year, and I can't remember how long it's been for you. I think you came on here shortly after I did. I don't know who started the tradition of waiting a full year, but this time I have appeased everyone and waited a full year and beyond. I can't see that anyone has been any more receptive of the idea of my meeting anyone else. And I haven't met anyone else, actually. I guess you would have to ask yourself if you can share your heart with another and yet hold on to your late wife's memory. And without comparing the two. My late husband said he would never compare me to his late wife, but there were times he did. For instance, she was a multi-tasker, and I do one thing at a time. She had a career; I was a stay at home wife. She liked to entertain; it makes me a nervous wreck. Forgive me if I am misinterpreting your post, but it sounds like you are wanting to move forward a bit.

Move forward in a relationship. Absolutely not, at least not now, but maybe someday . Just realizing the ingenious trap a long-term love/relationship ending in the death of a spouse places you in. Verbal commitment VS commitment of the heart- the ultimate "Catch 22", which relegates many to a life sentence of loneliness.

It is definitely a catch-22. My whole life now seems to be that...

Thx MET and she. It's a tough subject matter.

People die, love doesn't. The love you have for your wife will always be there. What is difficult for you to comprehend at this stage is the possibility of even thinking about another relationship. I think there has been a lot of unnecessary pressure put on widows/widowers both ways - to go into new relationships and to NOT have any new relationships. It certainly is what I experienced, from all sides. Only you can decide what is best for you and when.

I lost Cliff November 2007 to a heart attack; I was 50, he was 55. I joined Daily Strength shortly after that, and eventually became friends with a widower here. After we were both beyond the one year mark, we became more than friends, and we married in 2010. My life looks nothing like it did before Cliff died, but I am generally happy.

I love both my husbands. Just as I love both my sons. Loving one does not preclude me from loving the other. They are very different people. I don't think I could ever have got together with another man who wasn't a widower -- the understanding of the depth of feeling, suffering, and all the other things we go through would never be understood by someone who hadn't walked this path, and my new husband and I walked it together.

Cliff and I discussed the "what if" scenario several times, as we had buried all 4 of our parents before he died, so the subject came up. We agreed that whoever was left behind should grieve for a reasonable time and then if possible find someone to share their life with, and hopefully someone that would love and help our sons (our boys are both on the autism spectrum). When you love someone, you want them to be happy, loved, taken care of, etc. You don't want them to be miserable. So while I never thought it possible for me to love again, and I was definitely not looking, it found me. Love is like that sometimes.

I also know it would not honor Cliff's memory to have his legacy be that his death destroyed me. It just wouldn't. It would be against everything he stood for and believed. He wanted to make my life better, not ruin it.

In case you're wondering about the 'wait a year' advice, it's two-fold protection. One, it takes a year at least to start to get your head together, and two, for the ladies, it was originally to pass any possible pregnancy periods. That second one doesn't generally apply anymore, but in the old days it did. At least we've come a little farther than that....

Not everyone needs a new romantic relationship to feel fulfilled. I have been here over 10 years, and I have seen every version of new life after loss. Sometimes it's a new partner, sometimes it's finding your new calling, sometimes it's caring for grandkids - everyone is different. There is no right way or wrong way, just what's right or wrong for you.

It's probably still too soon for you to find your answers on this topic. That's okay, too.

There is a member-led group here where some of this is discussed more fully and wihtout upsetting some of those who are very new on this board. You may wish to check it out. It's called "Hopeful Hearts - Livinf Again After the Loss" and you will find it here:

https://www.dailystrength.org/group/hopeful-hearts-living-again-after-the-loss

I hope this helps.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Yhx Martha for your insight, although far too early (if ever) for your referral

I just wanted to add a small paragraph. I personally want to live. I choose life - the best way I can get it. My husbands never specified whether or not they thought I should remarry. As for the marriage vows, as far as I know, they are man-made, and each can write his or her own. There are pre-nuptial vows also, so I suppose if a person wants to, they can come up with post-nuptial vows, before or after one spouse transcends. I always thought the one year thing was to honor or respect our loved ones, so the pregnancy thing is sort of amusing. Dennis' first wife supposedly told him she wanted him to wait at least a year to remarry, but then he married me within months. He should have waited, because there were many hurdles to jump. I am thinking about moving closer to my grands, but that by no means closes all the other doors or possibilities. I think it will be therapeutic, and then if something else sneaks up on me, that's great too. I hope my remarks don't upset anyone on here, as I tend to be candid. I am making sure my back is well guarded these days. As for God taking both at the same time, I have known that to happen, and I think it is doubly sad, especially for their children. By the way, I am still grieving, but it helps to vent feelings.

Hi Rick. The way I interpret it is that, sadly, the marriage ends with death. I know a lot of widows/widowers still feel married..............I did for quite some time. But the sad reality is that once your spouse dies, you are a widow or widower instead of a husband or a wife.

That doesn't mean the love dies. I will never stop loving my husband.

Hi Rick, The love never dies, but the grief, loneliness, and depression do over time if you have something else to cling to. That doesn't mean you won't always miss them or have bouts of sadness around certain events. Time does pass though and as you live through things that your spouse was not a part of, every memory does not send you back to them. My Rick died years ago and I am contented and even happy, but I had God to cling to and time to make more memories.

My first husband and I divorced. When your spouse does not honor his marriage vows it s extremely painful. I was 48 and did not think another man was in my future but I met Al and loved him very much. I always wondered what was harder divorce or death. I think divorce because in death you have the love to the end. I am 75 today and do not think I will have another relationships. I always thought people who loved their spouse and have another relationship honor them because if you were very happy you would like to be happy again

jean always said "you can do whatever you want, but the money goes to the children"

That's yet another factor.

I know the path on which you walk and I truly under stand the feelings that you speak of.
Till death do us part.....yes, we part and one goes on still carrying the tremendous love in our broken heart that we have for our lost love.
But the fact is, we have parted...not our choice but just a horrifying fact of life.
So now what do you do? My love for my husband of 30 years, together 40, was just as deep as anyone here with a marriage and a love books are written about! But....death did part us...
About five months in, while in a very dark frame of mind...it hit me that I still wanted to live but not in total sorrow. He was lucky, he got to live the rest of his life out with me. Frankly, I’m thankful that he went first because he often said that that was his wish...nor would I want him to live through the sorrow of losing your spouse. I’ll take that burden and deal with it.
We are not doomed to unending loneliness, grief, and depression. It’s hits us all in different ways. You start on your belly slowly scratching your way along the surface. Sooner or later you will be able to get on to your knees and crawl along the path. At some point you will begin to stand however wobbly you may feel. You will stumble and catch yourself but stand more upright as time goes on. Eventually you will be able to lift your feet again and put 1 foot in front of the other attempting to stand tall walking towards every bit of light and hope that you can muster. It’s there....hope....just keep reaching for it. Glenda would want you to fight for it! You can do this!
Warm thoughts for strength and courage....
Darcie

Thanks staygolden.

Darcie, I have to agree with you - I don't think Cliff would have handled being on his own, and at one point one of my sons told me flat out that he and his brother "would have been screwed" if I had gone first. I think I always expected Cliff to go first, just nowhere near as soon. He was only 55 and always said he would need to live to 125 to do everything he wanted to do. We had 30 years together, but even 100 would have been too short.

Love and Hugs,
Martha