This is NOT the wrong subject; actually it's the RIGHT subject that nobody talks about. I"ve been to four grief groups and people didn't acknowledge it; I've read at least two dozen grief books and have found a page or two written on this topic. Nobody talks about the pain and the agony of the loss of the physical relationship between husband and wife; intimacy includes so many areas - physical, emotional and spiritual. This is a really, really tough part of being in the widow(er) club. And there is nothing to do to fill the gap. Having sex could probably be had, but making love is a totally different topic. I long to be held, like really held. Not hugged, like I am by so many and I am thankful for hugs, but they are a drop in the bucket to what I am missing. I went to see the Zombie movie with a friend and had to look away at the touching last scene where the Zombie and the human girl are embracing, I couldn't handle it.....and it was a Zombie - geez this stinks! I understand what you are saying.

Hi Ray,
no, I know exactly what you are saying & yes I agree. Missing that physical touch so much. Just to hug and be held by my husband again would be heaven. To hold hands and just sit together again & talk. Missing so much about him & I don't think I will ever stop missing our life together.

It's something we all miss--and I think we probably all feel like it will never be possible to feel like that again. There is nothing wrong with acknowledging that it's part of the whole package that we miss so much--touch, the physical closeness that meant so much--you can't NOT miss it.

Hi Ray;

I know just what you mean. I so miss those little moments. Being in the car and holding hands. The looks that pass between lovers. The closeness that only time can bring. Knowing eachothers bodys, whether we were ill or well. When Jeff was near I always felt safe. I dont' think I have felt safe since he passed. I miss making love to someone that I have known for a lifetime. I know so many people like the excitement of a new relationship. I like the closeness of a life time of memories and knowing what the other person needs and wants without having to speak a word.

Paula

Wow....I just realized that part of my life is over. I am so blessed that 5 beautiful kids came from our love for each other. I never thought that I would be the age that I am and have to realize I will never have this feeling again. Sad in a way, but true.

Maggie

I came to the realization quite soon after my husband death that I would never feel comfortable being physical with anyone again. I just do not think I could ever let someone be that close again for a lot of reasons, mainly first I have health issues that I do not think another man would understand, second because of my health issues I have never been able to make women understand and have been rejected and I can not imagine putting myself out there for more rejection, my husband was one extraodinary man in my opinion and I would not have blamed him for walking our early in our married life as the health issue did not come along until after the birth of our first child, I do not think any man would stay once he found out. So in short for me, male closeness of any kind is probably out.

There is a book called "The Noticer" that talks about how we all have different ways of showing and feeling loved. Some of us are like a cat..needing to be touched and stroked and held a LOT...some are like a puppy..needing to be told "Good Job...way to go, you are amazing!" Some are like a canary...need to spend time (lots and lots of time and just BE together) with someone and talk talk talk. Some are like a goldfish...need someone to care for the surroundings and need to
DO things for their loved ones.

I am so the cat and the canary and yes, yes, yes...I so miss "feeling that loved!" My husband and I had a date night every Friday night when we would have surf and turf and it was sacred. The other thing is we literally spooned all night long.

Yes...no one else can make us "feel" as loved as the person that "knew" us like they did. We each have our own ways of giving and receiving love and we had learned them and they had learned us and that "knowing" and "feeling" because of knowing is what we miss the most.

Thank you for this post...
hugs..
-Diana

I think what I miss most about my loss is the physical relationship. Not only talking, but listening and caring so much about that other person in our life. I would get up in the a.m. first and take my shower. While I was putting on my makeup my husband would come in say good morning and just rub my back. He would kis me goodbye and kiss me hello. My back sometimes get stiff and he would give me a bear hug that would makie this cracking sound and it would feel so good afterwards. We could finish each others thought at times. How can we ever share what we have had with our spouse again. I am with you. I do miss that intimacy so much. I loved spending time with him. I feel like I am an outsider looking in at others and their relationship anf miss having one so much.

I wanted to say exacty what Ray and all of you are saying. I feel like people would think I am somekind of nut, thinking about intmacy so soon after my husbands death. I DO NOT want to be with anyone else and just cringe and want to jump out of my skin when anyone says..Oh your young, u will find love again!! I cannot even fathom the thought. My husband for 30 years will be my one and only. We also knew each other so well. He was like that old blanket you just loved to wrap urself in. He wasnt old though..Only 48. I also cannot look at couples hugging or kissing, I feel like an outsider also. Just miss my guy so so much. Being alone is not a good feeling..

Thanks For All Your Replies. It Is Nice To Know That Iam Not The Only One Who Feels This Way. This Is SomethingThat Just Hit Me After 5 Months Without Jamie. I Don't Think I Will Be With Anyone Else. I Miss Her So Much. I Was Hoping That All Of You Didn't Think I Was Some Kind Of Freak. Ray

Everyone who has written is spot on. The loss of the simple, intimacy...the one we started sharing when we were 16 and high school sweethearts....the gentle hugs when I was having a bad day...him holding me and knowing that all was right in my world because I was in his arms....the gentle kiss and whisper in my ear, these are the losses that are so unbearable. Not have a hand to hold has been one of the hardest things to not have.....seeing other couples holding hands brings me to knees....I have been holding that hand of his for 46 years.

Ray, you didn't bring up the wrong subject....you brought up one of the biggest losses that we all faced the moment we lost our loved one....the one nobody talks about. Thank you for bringing it up.
Blessings,
Sharon

I am new to here. I keep reading, looking for that connection to what I am feeling. My John, has been gone now for almost 10 months. I miss those simple things like the kisses and hugs, spooning at night. Knowing it wasn't just having to make love that makes you feel wanted. He was my best friend and made me safe in in his arms and heart. I too am so afraid that there will never be that feeling in my life again of curling into his arms at the end of the day. I am sorry and happy to know it's not just me, even though I feel so alone.

I VERY rarely come here anymore...but whenever I do, I am touched at the remembrance of the first year of intense shock and pain I went through and how, even though we are all different, we all understand. For the most part, people here do not judge. I am so very thankful I found this site when I did - about a month after my husband died 8/6/11.
Anyway...I thought I might share that when my husband died, I swore I would NEVER let another man touch me. Close to a year later, I realized I actually craved intimacy again and that I did not want to be alone for whatever rest of my life lay ahead. I did wait until a year, and then I started dating. I have to say that I had NO CLUE what I was doing (got married at 18 and was married for 30 years until he died...) and I made some mistakes...but I did (and continue to) learn from them. I am now in a relationship with a man I have known for a long time and while he is moving a bit fast for me, I do feel love and intimacy and I do not feel guilty. My husband will forever be in my heart...nothing can take him away from me. If I had not gone through what I have, I don't think I would understand (unfortunately, 2 out of my 3 kids don't) so hopefully most of you will understand and know that just because I am in another loving relationship, it does not mean I don't miss and love my husband forever and ever. Take care everyone, God Bless.
MJ