Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I've had a really lousy week! I've reflected too much; took too much to heart; wore my feelings on my sleeve; andmy greatest fearbroke down in a gush of tears in front of my daughter.
OK, now that I have that out in the open, let me explain. A few weeks back I mentioned on my status that a relative had died and her family had been extremely dysfunctional. I was praying that I would find the right words of comfort for her children and in-laws which some had not spoken in years.
I was driving to a neighboring city a few days ago and passed the home where she spent her last years. There it was in living colora lifetime of accumulation sitting on the curb waiting for trash day. The sadness I felt at the funeral was nothing compared to the heartrending emotions I felt as I drove passed. I began thinking of all the 'stuff' that hubby and I had collected over the years; some things important to our future and some things that were just plain fun to have in our lives. I couldn't help but wonder how many of our things would 'hit the curb' at my demise.
Sooooo bottom line, the rest of the week Iunconsciously at firstbegan to measure my life and its impact. Not sure why I went into such a funk but it has been troubling. Not only did the life-on-the-curb thing distress me but as with so very many here on DS, I have family members whose lives are spiraling out of control due to the economy. There are job losses, divorces, children being ripped from one parent to another, and friends who are dying and their spouses stressed beyond words (those emotions are all too familiar to us on DS).
Dear DSers, it seems as though we are constantly put in a place to be strong. We are called upon to go above and beyond at the very juncture of our recovery. Whatever peaceful moments we could or have come by are quickly swept away by an upsetting phone call from a friend in need whom we would never turn away, a relative who needs assistance either financially or otherwise, or another whom our hearts are tender toward due to their entrance into this realm of grief.
What is that old saying? 'Whatever doesn't kill us will make us stronger.' Well then, we will have the constitution of Hercules! I don't feel as though I'm being tested; I feel as though my faith is being shaped into what it should have been from the beginning. It occurred to me that life often becomes our spiritual cataract because we dance as though tomorrow and its terror will never touch us; then death visits. The very essence of who we were, are, and who we will become is drastically altered, hopefully refined. Death removes those clouded lenses from our spiritual eyes. We squint and flinch with the first glimpse of the sunlight, but it becomes our lot in life to discover purpose and satisfaction with 'what is.' It's a huge order for us underlings in the whole scheme of lifewe falter, we scamper to our feet, and we often take wrong turns. Blessings to all as we march forward and find our way. TJ
OK, now that I have that out in the open, let me explain. A few weeks back I mentioned on my status that a relative had died and her family had been extremely dysfunctional. I was praying that I would find the right words of comfort for her children and in-laws which some had not spoken in years.
I was driving to a neighboring city a few days ago and passed the home where she spent her last years. There it was in living colora lifetime of accumulation sitting on the curb waiting for trash day. The sadness I felt at the funeral was nothing compared to the heartrending emotions I felt as I drove passed. I began thinking of all the 'stuff' that hubby and I had collected over the years; some things important to our future and some things that were just plain fun to have in our lives. I couldn't help but wonder how many of our things would 'hit the curb' at my demise.
Sooooo bottom line, the rest of the week Iunconsciously at firstbegan to measure my life and its impact. Not sure why I went into such a funk but it has been troubling. Not only did the life-on-the-curb thing distress me but as with so very many here on DS, I have family members whose lives are spiraling out of control due to the economy. There are job losses, divorces, children being ripped from one parent to another, and friends who are dying and their spouses stressed beyond words (those emotions are all too familiar to us on DS).
Dear DSers, it seems as though we are constantly put in a place to be strong. We are called upon to go above and beyond at the very juncture of our recovery. Whatever peaceful moments we could or have come by are quickly swept away by an upsetting phone call from a friend in need whom we would never turn away, a relative who needs assistance either financially or otherwise, or another whom our hearts are tender toward due to their entrance into this realm of grief.
What is that old saying? 'Whatever doesn't kill us will make us stronger.' Well then, we will have the constitution of Hercules! I don't feel as though I'm being tested; I feel as though my faith is being shaped into what it should have been from the beginning. It occurred to me that life often becomes our spiritual cataract because we dance as though tomorrow and its terror will never touch us; then death visits. The very essence of who we were, are, and who we will become is drastically altered, hopefully refined. Death removes those clouded lenses from our spiritual eyes. We squint and flinch with the first glimpse of the sunlight, but it becomes our lot in life to discover purpose and satisfaction with 'what is.' It's a huge order for us underlings in the whole scheme of lifewe falter, we scamper to our feet, and we often take wrong turns. Blessings to all as we march forward and find our way. TJ
Yeah..it's tough to think about our lives being dumped on the edge of the road waiting for the garbage truck to collect it and take it God knows where. I realize the things I value and hold dear , will probably mean nothing to my kids. Nothing against my kids, mind you, but that's just the way it is. I wanted very little of what my parents left - a dining room suite and a shotgun is all I wanted of their belongings.
But --- Our lives are not our things - it's the impressions and memories we leave on our kids and grandkids - they will remember us, keep us in their hearts and that's a good thing.
Just wait...next week will be better.
Loran
I know all my stuff will be thrown away once I'm gone.
stronger because we had to... my screen saver reads ....
You never know how STRONG you are....
until being STRONG is the only choice you have....
The Best things in life aren't THINGS....
I feel blessed to be a part of this group....
I'm not sure why I clicked on your entry here, but something caught my eye. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop. Everything you've talked about is something I've had to deal with in one way or another, so I can understand how you feel. I lost both my parents in 2002 and learned my sister pretty much threw all their things "out on the curb".
I mourned for years that I didn't have a chance to save any of their things that I thought represented who they were. I thought having these things would make me feel better. However, after losing my dear husband 6 months ago, and being left with his "things", I realize that none of those material things come even close to representing the person I lost, nor do they give me any comfort having them around. Out of respect for him, I will pass on to family what they might want, and then pass on to charity what can be reused. As for me, the most precious keep sakes are the pictures, the letters he wrote me and the memories of the person he was.
I don't feel stronger from all I've been through the past years. I feel rather knocked down and deflated. However, I am trying to go on and perhaps I am making a little progress and may gain that strength you talk about. I wish you the best as you go forward. Love to you, Linda
Sorry you've had a lousy week. It seems that sometimes just a little item, or, in this case, a "lifetime of things", can certainly hit right in the heart. Seeing a "lifetime accumulation" sitting at the curb, with no one wanting it ~~ is SAD!
Of course, we all know that "things" are not the person, but, they usually represent something that the person appreciated. Treasures to one person~~are junk (or clutter) to another person. It always seems sad to me, though, when someone dies ~~ there is usually many things that are thrown away.
Like Loran said, I didn't keep many things from my Mother,~~ but, I didn't want her things just thrown out!! There are still things here that belonged to Joe ~~ that I don't need, the kids don't want, and aren't worth anything to anyone else.
I know when I'm gone that a LOT of my things will be in a yard sale ~~ after the kids get anything they might want ~~ which won't be much. The photo albums and assortment of pictures will be about all they will want. Of course, the girls will divide the "good" jewelry, and the rest ~~ yardsale!! (the furniture -- probably be some that someone in the family will want).
Hopefully, there has been a grain of HOPE in Jesus sewn along my life's walk that will be
remembered by my children, grandchildren, family and friends. That is an important aspect of my life, and I want it to be remembered as such by those I love. The next level of our soul's existence, after this life, relies completely on our Lord and on our acceptance of Him. Our beliefs, morals, treatment of others, honesty, and integrity are left behind for others to
deal with and to contemplate after our death. Those are the important 'things' left for others. So, I suppose the rest of my "stuff" really won't matter.
TJ, sometimes, as you know, things just 'hit us wrong' and then we seem to spiral out of focus for a time. We've all been there and done that. I guess it was just one of those times for you.
Knowing you, you've already pulled up those bootstraps and headed out to the woods for a
good long walk in deep thought, or prayer. I hope the next weeks will be happier times for you.
We've got a trip to look forward to ~~ KY GTG!! Be seeing you there. ;D
Hugs and Blessings, Joely
The 'stuff' on the curb was just the catalyst for my downcast emotions, NOT the underlying reason.
My heart was heavy with the many sorrows that came to the forefront over that week. We are learning to work through our losses, hopefully, but many of those in the situations of which I spoke are just beginning that experience. I've recently read a few journal entries of others who are dealing with similar issues.
**My heart groaned when I heard that a relative's wife left him for a silly, immature reason and fighting for their marriage and family was, to her, out of the question. She just wants to be free, but what of the children who are caught in the swell of emotions?
**When I heard of another company shut-down in this economy and not only a job but a chosen career was again down the tubes, my heart sank knowing the agonizing road of disappointments that lie ahead for that job seeker.
**When I received the call that a friend's last chance for life is dialysis and he's not responding well, my heart wept.
**When I learned of a recent illness that has the potential to claim the life of a dear lady, I wanted to shout at the top of my lungs, 'STOP, no more sadness.' But, we all know that it never stops, it just takes a respite and then continues throughout life.
Lossesso many kinds of losses! I see that death is not the only kind, but it is permanent with no chance for a 'do-over.' I'm praying that those that I mentioned above will have a 2nd chance at life, marriage, jobs, and happiness. TJ
Then I remembered the good times and yes the bad times. Learned a lot in 46 years. Actually this is the only thing that keeps me going.
Holly
hugs Lu Ann
May we all have a better week..next week, or the week after, or whatever.
Maggie
Speaking with my sister the other week on the phone, she told me she felt very sorry for me. I have had my share of problems and now am facing some serious health issues. I wasn't crying or complaining to her, I was just stating fact. When I hung up the phone I thought to myself about all the positives in my life. I'm not referring to things or wealth--it went far beyond that.
My thoughts were first of how fortunate I am to have lived this long relatively healthy. There has never been a time that I went hungry. I have always had a place to live, never been homeless. Never been subjected to the ravages of war.(my grandfather, father and husband were) I was always employed and made enough money to pay my bills. I had a wonderful husband, I have grandchildren.
You show empathy for others, offer love and support to those around you in need. Do you think maybe that pile of "stuff" at the curb had more a symbolic meaning to you? Sadly, there must have been an estrangement within the family, and we know how sad that is That 's a whole lot sadder than a pile of one's stuff. They missed the .boat...time ran out ...no time left to reconcile.
I am so glad you posted that. I have these thoughts a lot lately but it's hard sometimes to put into words what I am thinking.I think you phrased it quite eloquently.
L