Hello, when I posted my first post, it said there was an error in the posting. So I re wrote my post. I'm also new to the group so I am still figuring out how it all works. So sorry if my original post has posted and you see my story twice. I didnt reposty post, but they have the same meaning. I'm lost!

My husband passed away from Pancreatic Cancer. He was only 39 years old. He was diagnosised the day before our wedding. He fought for his life a full year. 

His birthday was February 2nd.

My birthday was April 6th.

Elijah was Diagnosed April 24th 2015

We married in a small chapel in the hospital April 25th 2015.

Our honeymoon/Family Vacation was to Disney world August 2015

Elijah's last bday was the 2nd of February. I threw him a big surprise party with our family and friends. He had a Blast! That was Feb 6th 2016.

Our 1st and last Anniversary was April 25th 2016

Around April 24 we found out he had a couple months to live.

April 29th we found out he had less then a Month to live, do to an infection.

May 7th we threw an early bday party for our girls. We wanted him to be apart of one last birthday celebration!

Mother day, May 8th 2016.

Elijah Passed away May 16th 2016. Hardest day of my life.

My husbands funeral was May 21st.

Our youngest daughters 3rd birthday, was May 21st.

Fathers day, June 19, 2016.

Our Eldest daughters Graduation from preschool, was June 25 2016.

Her 5th birthday, was June 30th.

This has been the most stressful year of my LIFE! 

And I feel guilt, regret, sadness, stress...etc... 

I wish there were things I had done differently while he was still with us. I wish I didn't lie to myself those last few days for his time with us. When the doctors told us he didn't have a month, my world shattered. Buy then I thought. He's a stubborn man. He isn't going anywhere. Doctors are wring all the time. Elijah's saying it himself, he isn't going anywhere. He's ganna fight Luke he was before. And we are going to get through this. I was wrong. Now I wish I spent MORE time with him. I wish I wasn't so selfish as to the things he wanted to do. Go for walks down the street, or to the mall. I always wanted to do things for a purpose. Not to just go. Now I realize that there WAS a purpose! It was to spend as much time together as we could. And I feel guilty as to how selfish I acted. I wish I could have done more for him. Been a better mother and Wife I n his presents. Although everyone said I was a good wife. I feel like I could have done so much more, so many things differently! And I know its true. I just wish we had a reset button. So I could tell him one last time that I love him. That I am greatful for everything he had done for our family! That we can't live with out him! I feel guilty that even with his passing I'm making it all about it. How I feel. How I'm struggling. How I have to handle all this alone. But he is the one who suffers. He no longer gets to be with his family! He no longer lives! I feel guilty that I get to live and he doesn't. My girls loved playing with daddy when they got home from school. Daddy did everything with them not mommy. He was the Hero! I feel guilty That he had such a had life as a child and growing up. But he was still always so happy and high spirited. He was ALWAYS helping others in a time of need, no matter what he was going through. He was a GREAT man. But he got dealt such a S****y hand. He deserved more from life. For it to end the way it did, is heartbreaking. Makes me question "God" or a "Higher Power". Makes me question after life. Which makes me feel more guilty. B.c idk if he's okay, watching over us. If he is pain free! If he is trying to reach out to us! And its killing me. B c there is nothing more to me then to want to believe that there is an after life. (Other then bring him back to life) That I will see him again! I'm trying to believe, but its hard to believe when such a great guy had to suffer so much throughout his life. He said he was finally happen when he met me. Then he had 2 beautiful girls, which he never expected out of life. He said he was finally okay. And then he got cancer, and then he was taken from us. How do you believe after that?

My guilt and regrets go so far! My pain goes so deep. I lost my best friend. My soulmate. The live of my life. My family!! He saved me and I saved him! Quite literally!! And he's gone. And I can never share my life with him again! And it pains me! I can hardly get out of bed now. I feel myself slipping away! I was strong the year he was sick. I had to be. He was the one struggle for his life. How could I be anything but strong. I was strong when he passed and the days after it. I had to be, as I was reminded constantly, I had 2 toddlers I needed to be strong for. I was no longer a Wife, but I am still a mother. And I need to be there for my girls. That's what Elijah would have wanted. So I kept it together. Kept my emotions inside. A tear dropped here and there. But I did not break down. I couldn't. Everything is Now on me.

Now im breaking. And I'm afraid I won't be able to out myself back together. I'm a 25 year old Widow. Single mother of two. I am now responsible for all of our finances but haven't had a job in over 6 years. (I was a stay at home mom.) I was still a kids at the time. No real experience! I have so much to worry about, and I haven't even fully GRIEVED over the loss of the one person I could always count o . The one person. Who loved and kept me safe! My family is all.. Distant, I guess you can say. And I have 2 real friends who are both extremely concerned of my current status. But have kids of their own, a family of their own to worry about. I am alone, and I am heart broken. And the only person I was ever able to turn to in a time of need or  sorrow, is gone!

I am thankful to be alive with my girls! But I wish Elijah were too!

I need to learn how to cope with my loss. 

I need to know how to move on with out forgetting about him! I sat with him for hours the first Month of his passing. EVERYDAY! I recently had to stop going a much, and as long. Sometime I can only be there for 5 mins. And the guilt is unreal! I don't want him to think I'm forgetting about it! I feel like I need to see him every day. But his grave isn't close by. (A stupid decision I made after listen to my family.)  I have anxiety and he was the only one to calm me down. So when I feel over whelmed I sit by his grave and that helps! But I can't anymore. At least not as often. And its breaking me.

How do I start up my life again?

Where do I start?

I'm sorry for my novel. But I thank you for reading. Any help, advice, or suggest would help! Even your story!

Thanks you for your time!