Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am new here. Figured i could use all the help i can recieve and try to be a help to someone else.
My husband of 39 years, + 2 years together before that, committed suicide on june 25Th...so it's all fresh to me.
Still going through shock, disbelief...sadness...and bewildered. There was no signs, warnings, note...a good bye.
We had been out in the man cave, my grown son was cooking, my husband and i were sitting on the couches, listening to music, and even dancing around....we said I love you every day, and that night was no exception...all seemed normal.
I will say he was tierd, but we all were...it was a hot day. Plus we were all drinking some, not alot, but we were in a good mood. My husband left the man cave....and it was thought he was on the side of the building using the bathroom.....guys pee alot when they drink beer. Well as time went on...still watching my son cook....my husband never came back in the man cave.....my son thought he had gone up to the house or went into the woods.....i did'nt think that, because it was already after midnight....it was dark, hot too.... Well, got in the house, did'nt see my husband....i went to bed. That next morning he still was'nt in bed....so I told my son....and he said Awww, he's prob in the woods sleeping....Hmmmm....all day, night...i waited, still no sign of him. I don't go in the woods....it's thick brush...so more waiting....by Wed. morning i am freaking out....finally my son comes home from an overnight camping trip, and goes looking for my husband.....all in the woods ( 40 acres ) i heard my son calling out for him....eventually my son walked up toward a barn, and on the side of it...was my husband....he's been there since early Tuesday morning ( or Monday night after midnight ).....laying there, he had shot himself in the head..... None of this makes sense.... Some say maybe he was sick and did'nt want to burden us. What does one think the trauma is when you find a loved one....i call that a sad burden, plus all that happens after a suicide.. So it's been about 7 weeks....still coping....any advice, anyone been through a no warning suicide ? Thanks, would love to talk....
I lost my husband to Cancer 8 days after diagnosis and that brought on many emotions and I can only say that I am so very sorry for your lost and all that it entails {{ kind hugs }}.
I'm so sorry you lost your husband to cancer....how have you moved on OR have you ? What ways do you cope ?
With your siblings death, I am very sorry . Yes, you said what I feel, so many questions...
I lost my teenage son, at 17 yrs. old , he was our youngest. It took many years before I didn't feel like ending it all....but I had two other sons to look after, so it would be selfish of me to put a burden on them.... Greif is pretty bad right now....I actually had to go see my Dr., I was breaking out in hives and so she put me on a low dose of Prozac and some strong cream for the hives... Did you suffer any medically after your losses ? Thank you for replying and I hope more people will join in the conversations...
If you search the forums, there are a couple under the heading of suicide survivors, specially for those who have lost loved ones to suicide.
I hope you can connect with others, both here, and maybe on those forums also.
This forum has not been as active as it used to be, so I wouldn’t want you to feel all alone.
All my best to you.
I consider myself a survivor , surviving through trials and errors. One thing I did do was talk about him and refuse pretend that he never existed. Joining a bereavement group and taking part in these forums allowed me to talk about him without guilt.
I also had to learn to be kind to myself and not be so harsh . The most important factor of my recovery though was a choice that I made. 6 months in I force myself to get up, look outside and tell myself that "Today my glass is half full, it is up to me to fill some more" . Every day I repeated this mantra and faked my way through the day but then I noticed that at some point I had stopped faking and could enjoy some things in my life again, I also kept reminding myself that some had it worst and volunteered my time doing something with positive purpose such as helping in the soup kitchen, sewing pillowcases for sick kids at Ronald McDonald House . Anything that made it about someone else and not me.
There were many many many downs but over time they became less and my coping skills became better.
To answer your question about suicide "Do I feel that it is selfish ?" No I don't think so... I think that suicide is the outcome of intense despair and feeling that there is no other possible way out.
In my sibling's case, it may have been because he did not want to end up in jail again as speculated but to be fair now that I have come to terms with it, it started with mental illness long before the final event.
I do believe that those who commit suicide are finally finding peace and are out there in spirit watching over us in the same manner that those who died of Cancer are.
Often time when there is a note, it speaks of the victim no longer wanting to put their loved ones through the turmoil but mostly not be able to carry on with the pain. No it is not selfish .
Thank you for writing. I will try to find the survivors of suicide site too. Thanks for the information and kind words. Being on this forum helps me. I live out in the boonies, so I am not close to any small towns or City. Having ya'll to talk to helps a lot.
Thank you for your reply. Waking up alone is rough....my grown son lives here downstairs, but he is also gone a lot....As I told AfterMom, I live so far out away from small towns and Cities that I am home a lot, online...feeding my animals, reading, watching tv at night....I don't venture out too much because there is no one to help me if I break down on the roads.....I was proud of myself the other day, I went and bought two new tires for my truck, even went to Wally World....that was 30 miles away.....all country roads.
I will try what you said, about seeing the day as half full of happiness and see where that leads me.... When I lost my teenage son, my husband and I went to Compassionate Friends for years.....Wish there was a group for widows and widowers to discuss how they cope...( in person )….this group here will help too.....and I hope that if any of you need comfort, you can come to me too.....I realize it's not all about me.... I was more concerned about my son who found my husband......it was traumatic...That's why I said about selfishness......the person who does this...….are they worried who will find them dead ? I guess not... it changes the ones who have to see this... In your case, maybe your sibling didn't act happy before the suicide...not sure.....But my husband was all smiles, happy, just his regular self....we had no problems, no money troubles, no marriage problems.....he picked out this farm....so he had it all in my eyes....that's the mystery I live with.... Thanks for listening to my venting... Have a sweet Friday.
I feel for your son having had to experience such a traumatic event . The sad thing is that we, who are left behind feel guilt that we could not save them, that we did not see it coming. This is one one the reason that I refer myself as a survivor. This applies no matter the reason for the passing. At 48 and my husband 52, we had so many plans ahead of us. For him to have had undetected Cancer in 2012 was unbelievable to me. There came a time I suspected that Cancer would be the outcome and was preparing myself for a battle against it. Instead we were informed that he had Cancer and that nothing could be done ... 8 days after we said goodbye. My husband was being followed because of having type 2 and also having had unexplained kidney failure 5 years prior yet the Cancer was never discovered . This site (the former version of it ) helped me understand somewhat and cope better.
Vent all you want there is simply a genuine want to help someone else get through this nightmare.
Yes, I see us both as survivors....I was told that when I lost my 17 yr. old son. But it's not always the title I wish for....let me be the one who passed and let someone else be the survivor...…
Up until the middle of June, we had plans to go see family back in Texas....I left my brothers, my oldest son, Grandkids all there to move up to AR. and my middle son is here....my husband picked out the house, land here...he loved it. I do too....but now, just feel lost.... How did you cope the first few months...? Did you hate getting out of bed and facing the day ?
This year is a hard one for us all...My son is getting married ... My husband missed out on his children graduating University and College , missed out on meeting the lovely woman who has won my son's heart ... He was very involved with our children and we will be strong for in his honour but it is hard.
To be completely honest, the first year was a year of fog and fear , the second year I was coming out of the fog and then had to deal with the reality of having to do with coping with living along and all it entails...I was 48, not working, left with a mortgage and other bills to pay... I picked myself up and learned to deal with what I could, let go of what I could not do (grass cutting is an emotional issue for me so as soon as I could afford it, I hired a service) . I had to rebuilt my life as best as I could. I became a student through an apprentice and college program and after 2.5 years became an Educational Assistant. 5 .5 years after my husband had passed I was hired full time which gave me financial space to breathe but it gave me a purpose . Finally I could feel like something meant something to me outside of my grieve. So that is where I am..6.5 years in , having a life without him and living but yet missing him and carrying him in my heart .
OMG, the terror you must have felt coming home to a dark house, alone...being scared to come out of your bedroom ….it was a big adjustment for you... The fear and fog year and months after couldn't have been easy...and also putting on a fake smile for everyone....I am doing that now...but I am finding things to smile about, and mean it. Actually, I don't know if all this has sunk in fully....you'd think in 7 weeks i'd snap out of it.....
Oh Congrats on your son getting married....it'll be an emotional day...tears of joy, and tears because your husband isn't present...at least not where you can see him. I imagine he's looking over you and the kids....
I know you miss your hubby and will always love him.....and if he had a choice, he'd be right there with you....
Gosh, when is the wedding ? I'm so happy you're gaining a DIL that you like....
It's been 7 weeks since I lost Loyd….I have a few good days, but it doesn't take much to send me back to day 1 when he was found. I wish there were support groups in my County or surrounding Counties. I have looked....so I will hopefully have nice folks like you and the other posters to have talks with. I hope that's O'kay. This is my place to be helped or help if I can. I do understand about different losses...….my son in the accident, my Mom from ovarian cancer, my husband's suicide.....all different and all hard.....
Please feel free to post / write anytime...I will do the same....
Let me start by giving you a big hug . You lost your husband in such a tragic way . I feel for both you and your son. I just lost my husband on August 06 so it’s very recent . He was only 55 and today we would have celebrated 25 years of marriage . He fell 5 weeks ago and had a subdural hematoma but after 3 weeks of sedation and rest they moved him from the ICU to the neuro floor to prepare to eventually come home . Sometime during his first night in that floor he suffered a massive left hemisphere ischemic stroke from which he would never recover . After speaking to all the doctors ,ICU ones, neurosurgeons, neurologists ,I had to make the decision to remove his life support and 36 hours later he was gone . It all happened so fast .i miss him so much , it seems so quiet at home with just myself and our 22 year old daughter. He had so much to live for . Im still not sure I believe he’s gone . I think I’ve convinced myself that he’s still in the hospital and will be coming home . Some days I question my sanity.. mit seems like it’s been two years of losses . Another daughter and her husband lost their triplets after giving. birth to them in her 7th month, two years ago they all passed within two days , we then lost all three of our pets to various things since last August and now my husband. I live in the Montreal Canada area and I havent been able to find a local support group so I really appreciate being able to talk to everyone here . I just wish we all belonged to a happier club. Big hugs to all of you here and thank you for listening .
You have a lot to greive with the babies and pets and now your husband. Too much for one beating heart....I am so sorry. I have been meaning to write you sooner.....but I got caught up in my own greif when I should have reached out to you...….IF we keep talking among ourselves we won't feel as alone I hope.
My grown son lives here, but he goes out a lot...and he should. He has a life too....Does your daughter stay home with you or does she go out too ?
I pray for you and many others here that are feeling pain from their loss'.