Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Has anyone else lost friends? My husband died two months ago and most of my friends have not emailed or called since then. My neighbor across the street who stayed with me at the hospital every day for 8 days didn't talk to me for 6 weeks. My daughter's godfather who said he wanted to meet for lunch or dinner hasn't called. But I heard he told someone else I was doing good - how does he know when he hasn't talked to me. Then there's all the people who used to email who I haven't heard from. I suggested to several people at the service that maybe we could get together over xmas break - yet no one called. Thank God I have one friend who has been fantastic. Perhaps it is because her first fiance was murdered and she understands. Even my own sister called on xmas, my mother answered the phone, then she hung up. She didn't even ask to talk to me. I come home and there's no phone messages, no emails from friends asking how I am. I don't understand. My cars have broken down, (all 4 in the shop on the same day) the raccoons are tearing my house apart, the appliances are breaking down and last week I lost my job due to layoffs. (altho I'm a teacher so I'll work till June.) My son said he thinks we're cursed. My daughter says maybe people think I need time. But can't they at least send an email saying - how are you? I lost my husband, and my job, I'm afraid of losing my house and I feel I've lost most of my friends. But - my dog, who used to sleep at the end of the bed, now sleeps curled next to me. Dogs really are man's best friend.
I guess there are two options. The first is reaching out and telling folks what you need. That's worth a try. The second, the one I am pursuing, is to reinvent yourself and try to make new friends. I only am doing it sporadically, as my heart allows, but it feels good to me. I think I'd rather be with people who didn't know Mike, didn't know me as "us."
My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry about everything breaking and losing your job in addition to dealing with painful loss. Be grateful for your one friend, your dog, your son and daughter. That's a little loving world right there. Hugs, Amy
I found that for the most part the people I got the most support from were people who knew me but didn't know Cliff or had met him only once or twice. I was surprised as to who came forward with support - it tended not to be those that were outgoing types but the more quiet, contemplative types.
I think you should reach out to others - send e-mails, make phone calls, etc. - so people will know you are up for contact. And keep posting here - my DS friends made a world of difference for me, and it will help you, too.
Your son sounds a lot like my elder son. My son was not prepared to step into the 'man of the house' role anymore than I was, and we, too, have had a string of domestic disasters to contend with. I got counseling and also got counseling for both my boys, and I'm glad we did that - it helped.
I'm sorry for your loss, but glad you found us here at DS. Welcome. Love and Hugs, Martha
I know how hard it is when others ignore us. Sometimes people think that by not talking about the loss, it helps and it's so far from the truth. They also don't want to upset us or see us cry. Stupid too, because we are upset and we cry all the time.
Pick up the phone and call them. Keep calling until you find one or two that will let you lean on them. Many days, I had to picked up the phone and just start calling people myself. It opened the door for them to call me. But I make the calls most of time.
Try to find a local support group and if you know any other widows, those are the people you need now. People that have experienced the loss of someone they love greatly, will know what you are going thru, what you need to hear, and how to help you.
DS is a wonderful site full of people that are having the same issues, same thoughts, are just the same. We all are going thru this together. Please come back. It has helped me to get thru this just as much as any friend could have done.
I also recommend getting some books on grieving. You can find them on internet, at Amazon, used, new, and they are really helpful, at least I have found help from them. We all posted our favorites on here just a little while back so you can get a lot of suggestions from that if you are interested.
Take care, we are here for you, you can talk anytime you need.
Kathy
I rarely see family (cousins) because they are far away but 25 yrs ago after we 1st got married my husband and I went to a cousins wedding in Minn. At the wedding was an aunt whose husband had died 8 mos before. It was the 1st time any of us had seen her since her husband's death. My husband knew no one there and was quiet as we were all talking together as a group. My aunt was the only adult among a large group of cousins in their 20's. No one wanted to say anything about her husband because we didn't want to "remind" her or upset her. After about 45 min my husband spoke up for the 1st time. He looked at my aunt and said "so how did your husband die?" We were all shocked he would mention it. She had looked so upset the whole time and now her whole face lit up and she began talking. I thought - wow - my husband, whose parents both died when he was young, knew what so say. I learned something that day.
Today my one friend who has been "great" invited me over to see the superbowl. (She's the one whose 1st fiance was murdered.) I'm going to pursue what you said Amy - finding new some friends. I like being with people who knew my husband - but I can't help but feel if these other friends can't at least send an email I can't think of them as "good" friends. It will be their loss if our "friendship" suffers.
And - I have 2 sons. It has been my younger son (20) who has been the most helpful. The older one - always says he's too busy to help out. That's another story. Thanks for your responses.
I had to care for my husband alone while he was dying of cancer, arrange his memorial service alone & have spent the last 10 months completely isolated & alone aside from one of my husband's friends who genuinely seems to care about me. I'd be lost without him.
My brother & his family live nearby but refuse to communicate at all.
My emails go unanswered, my Xmas gifts went unacknowledged.
My mother & step-father are the only family who seems to care about me & even they have said some hurtful things to me recently.
My husband's siblings have been somewhat supportive but they live in other states. It's hard enough losing your spouse, but when your family leaves you with no explaination it just makes you want to die.
I wish I had died with my husband so I didn't have to feel so much hatred from my family on a daily basis. I don't think I can stand it much longer.
I will get over it & hopefully learn to rise above it. I need to focus on more positive things & let go of the anger. I hope I haven't offended anyone. Not my intent. Care for you all very much..
Cyndi
Dianne
It's been a little over a year now for me, last December I came across one of my husband's best friends, who had not called once during this whole past year. He assured me that not a day goes by when he doesn't think about us and how we are getting along, that he talks about us with his wife evry single day, but that he never calls because it hurts so much.
I told him I understood what he meant. What else would I say, of course I understand about pain, right? Besides, I've learnt this past year that thosae people who do not ( or can't) think beyond their own pain will not be much comfort to me anyway.
Luckily, as time goes by, more old friends seem to be finding their way back to us, and we are slowly rebuilding our relationship, in a different way. It still hurts, though, I also remember those first few weeks when the phone seemed to have gone dead, nobody "wanted to bother us" and so I felt quite abandoned.
Although I was independent, at least on a physical level, it has been truly devastating to lose the deep love and caring of my soulmate. I miss him so much every moment!
Ultimately, I feel so alone and in the end, the only one who's going to pull me through this grief is myself.
There are many times when I need him so much emotionally and physically, and I get very angry that he's not here and say to myself that the only one who's going to care about me is me. This is painful, but true. I think, if I landed in the ER, who could I call? No one.
His family are a bunch of homophobes and dropped me like yesterday's news, but not before locking me out of his house (she was the executor). The very house that we both cared for, but was his legally.
I'm trying very hard to focus of the very few I have incarnate, although not necessarily one's I can count on, and not the ones in spirit. The latter cannot solve my problems, it is my burdon to bear as I try to move on.