first of all, anyone who would only send a text to communicate something THAT important is cold, insensitive., & devoid of interpersonal skills, at least for any kind of close relationship. It doesn't matter that texting is the new normal. That flat-out does Not work for very important emotional matters. She already had her mind made up about this, with no regard towards you or any relationship that you have shared through your life. But you did not say what kind of relative she is, such as sibling or whatever other category.(and that is Fine. It's hard in-forum deciding what we are comfortable posting)
Spousal grief often strains many different family & friend relationships a lot., and it varies with what relation people are to you. My adult children were especially hard. (but my situation was also complicated by a severe illness)
It sounds like you tried very much to grieve privately and maintain boundaries. That is very hard work to do. You can't hold yourself responsible for someone reacting in a hostile manner. to you managing your grief privately(?). That is very inappropriate. People's hostilities have unique motivations for each individual.
One of my offspring chewed me out on a public facebook post during the height of my grief. I was stunned and had to inactivate my account to end the incident. I don't even post interpersonal conversations on FB at all., so it was a complete attack for that to even be posted. This all happened on only ONE day, and unfortunately, at least one of my "friends" saw it (don't know how many others) but one posted "WOW" amidst the string of lashing-outs, which I repeatedly deleted that hour. It was horrible.
I immediately closed my FB account. for a long time.
I never pursued any confrontation., I was too raw. and never received an apology. but things eventually improved between us.
Grief SUCKS. and it can wreak havoc on relationships, when people try to define HOW you are "allowed" to handle/manage your pain.
Relatives can take things personally, when it has nothing to do with them.
My family is completely different from how it was before my husband died.
and nothing I can do can change that.
The fact is, people move on. They have other primary relationships remaining (with people living with them, IN their homes!), but many widows don't have anyone else living with us. So, YES, Sorry, we ARE the most affected.
I advise no responding via text. If it can't be done by voice, drop it until whenever you are able to interact.
This is the best response I can give now. I don't know if it is any good to you. Honestly, forum discussions cannot be entirely effective or accurate for such personal issues. Magnify that ten times when a third party is being discussed. Or a family....Too many variables and all only being described by one poster.
All my best to you.
B.

Your very insightful perspective on my post has given me a view I needed to sort through this reaction to my grief process. Sorry you had to go through a public chewing out on FB, you must have been horrified. Glad things worked out for you. I think to myself that this grief we feel is so deep, challenging, lonely, confused, all a jumble of emotions and I cannot fathom someone putting more hurtful emotion on top of everything else. I don't get it and am glad I don't get it. Will adjust my life accordingly and move forward again. Thank you B for responding, you truly helped me. Take care, J.

I can only say, she may be a family member but she was apparently never a friend. Remember, you can not lose what you never had. (JMHO) Geo.

You're right Geo, never was my friend, thank you for this response. J.

I have been reading loads about people and their reactions to everything. How we always think it is about us...I may be wrong but it sounds like she wanted to be there for you..being hurt causes anger. I do not know her but i know the hurt and anger one too much (Hugs)

So true, perhaps I have shut people out who meant well and didn't even know I was doing it. Different viewpoints always bring clarity.

They sure do !!

Having gone through something similar, I think that some people are not worth the trouble or effort. Like "fair weather friends". They are fine as long as things are "normal" but if things change it is unacceptable to them. Sad but as has been said before W/W changes your address book. ((Hugs))

You have a right to grieve in your own way in your own time. This person has no right to tell you how you "should have" grieved, and frankly, no one has the same depth of loss that you have. Deep, special, and private - that's what our losses are. Sometimes we can share that experience and sometimes we can't. Either way, that lady could have no idea how deep and personally affecting your loss is.

It's her issue, not yours. Let her go. At some point, perhaps, she will realize what an arse she's been.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I was just discussing this very thing with a friend. First and foremost those who have not suffered the loss of a spouse cannot understand or provide the support we need. Selfish not to share your grief, hardly, you are being considerate to not burden those who are not immediately affected by the loss of your grief. It can get overwhelming to them as it is overwhelming to us. THAT is why this group is so important. Sharing with others who walk your path allows you to know you are not alone in what you are thinking and feeling and where you are in your progress is natural and normal, We all grieve in our own time. Her position with you is ignorant of grief, is she someone who needs to tangle herself up in other's problems? Friends understand. Let her know that your intent was not selfish but one of consideration in not wanting to burden her with your grief and that she is the one being selfish...