I gather that's a common feeling and hoping to pull out of it. My wife of 25 years was fine when I left one morning about a month ago and dead four hours later. From something I never heard of previously - sudden unexpected death in epilepsy. She had epilepsy, but it was well controlled by medication. Had no idea it could be instantly fatal like that.

Since then there have been a lot of tasks that kept me busy. Then I went out with friends a couple days ago and the instant I left them I started crying and basically have not stopped since. A few weeks ago, I found it hard to be interested in any of my hobbies, friends, TV or anything. That gave way this week to feeling like I don't care if I'm alive because there's really nothing to live for. Not suicidal, just no desire to be alive. But I can't definitely say any longer that I'd never hurt myself because this pain can be unbearable.

I've been getting a lot of advice, some of it really bad, and a lot of support. My wife was a very caring person and I've heard from so many whose lives she changed. More than 700 people showed up at the funeral home, practically unheard of unless it's a celebrity or child. She was also someone who grew more beautiful and interesting as she became older - she did modeling and was a magazine cover model at age 39. Years of working out and staying out of the sun meant that at age 51 most people thought she was 35 or younger. With that in mind, I don't know if I can ever move on - not just because of honoring her memory. We had no kids to revolve our lives around so we kept getting involved in new and interesting things. Frankly, most people our age gave up on life to some extent years ago and let themselves go in terms of looks, interests and vitality. So I think that will take care of itself whether I'm interested in dating again or not. Can't imagine I can find too many women worth the time who would also be interested in me.

But I'm having trouble imaging life without her. She was the conduit linking me to all of our friends, and our friends to each other. She did all the planning for all get-togethers, whether at homes or out, and scheduled monthly trips for her camping group. I'd only go occasionally to show support, I did not care for camping. Our house was the gathering spot and with her removed from the picture, it's me home alone because relationships changed with her gone - plus friends are uncomfortable in our house now because of the memories.

Because I overthink everything, we had discussed life after she was gone - we both expected based on my family's history that I would outlive her (we just never thought she would die this early). She was concerned I would be reclusive and urged me to do what I could to still have fun without her. I'd like to honor that wish, but it's so damn difficult. The loss is so intense right now that it's unbearable. Don't know why it took this long to really hit home. Now that it has, I worry about how long this is going to last.