Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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NewRoadsForMe 09/21/2010

How many times have I heard that saying? It really came home to me when Joe died. He had wanted to be buried in the family cemetary back home in another state. However, there was a family inheritance problem involving several siblings and the burial plots. It was the hardest part of winter, snow and ice had closed schools and roads were impassable. I was already grieving the thought of taking him 600 miles away from our home and leaving him there. I wouldn't be able to visit him and that grieved me terribly. I was stressing out about all this during the last month of his living, but I didn't talk to him about it. After much prayer and consultation with an older family member, I made the decision to bury him in a community burial ground 5 minutes from our home. What he had wanted would have been such a strain on me as I was his caregiver for the final stages of lung cancer and I was exhausted mentally and emotionally. I was grieving over the thought of no one visiting his grave and my not being able to. The thought "Life is for the living" came to mind again. I was the one who was going to have to deal with all the fallout following his death. So I felt it was right to bury him where I would continue to be his caretaker, visit his grave, and talk to him. I was torn up over whether I did the right thing, but now that it is done, I am sure that I made the right decision. I visit his grave regularly and always has fresh flowers and that the grass is cut and weeks are pulled up. My pastor and other close family assured me I did the right thing. Have any of the rest of you had to make a decision like this? I didn't even mention the extra $10 grand it would have taken to go the other route. No one up there would have ever visited, but here I do and my two children (his step) loved him. I got a double monument with my name already engraved. This is where we lived, loved, and shared our life.

driveler 09/21/2010

I definitely think you did the right thing. I told my husband long ago that I planned to cremate him and spread his ashes on the ranch. He did say that he would still like a marker in the cemetary so that people would know he had lived. Fortunately for me, he was a veteran so he gets a free headstone, and the "family" owns two plots and I was given permission to use one for it. So I was lucky enough to be able to satisfy both of our wishes.

deleted_user 09/22/2010

I have just been mulling this issue over and over again in my mind. Rob was cremated and I have his ashes. There are varing opinions from other family members and what to do with his ashes. Rob loved to fish and several think it would be good to toss them into the ocean. I had to laugh because Rob, although he loved to fish, was afraid he'd get bitten by them and didn't like going into the water. Of course he caught some hugh fish that made him wonder. No I won't toss his ashes into the water. His Mom is terminal right now and the suggestion is to wait and see were she is buried, not decided yet? However, I am moving 2 hours away from where she will be buried. Rob's dad is in a nursin home and won't be visiting any graves. His brothers didn't visit when he was alive and well or sick and dying. His dear Sister doesn't visit graves although she would like him buried near Mom and Dad. I think you have inspired me here. I will take Rob with me and bury him where I am moving, a plot for both of us. Thanks for the encouragement. Hug, Donna

deleted_user 09/22/2010

I had Sherm cremated as he wished and most of his family were in agreement once they realized that was what he truly wanted. He wants his ashes in a plot in the cemetary where his family is buried; since it's in Nebraska and I live out of state, he will be placed there but not till I am ready. I do have one sis-in-law who thought I should promise to cremate him and then go thru the casket, funeral, burial thing. She told me he wouldn't know....I told her maybe he wouldn't but I would and a promise is a promise. Unbelievably her son called after Sherm died to ask about his funeral and pall bearers and such. He was told Sherm was indeed cremated as he wished. No further word from that part of the family. It was my decision and I made it. End of story.

deleted_user 09/22/2010

Barry wanted to be cremated and have his ashes spread at the beach we used to love. I followed his wishes with the exception of getting a little rememberance urn with some ashes for me to keep. He is besides my parents urns. My plan is when my time comes I want my sister and his sister to get a bigger urn and put our ashes together another way for us to be together for eternaty

Joely 09/22/2010

I think you did the right thing for you, and that is who counts.

Hugs, Joely

deleted_user 09/22/2010

I think you did the right thing also. My husband is also buried in a cemetary very close to our home. I go often, take flowers & talk to him. I need that & would not have handled it very well if he was buried 600 miles away & I could not go visit. Donna, I think you will be glad you took Rob with you also. CHERI

Parmela 09/22/2010

I followed Stephen's wishes and had him buried in his family cemetery 2.5 hours from where we live. If you read my posts from last week, I finally picked out a grave marker......it took all day to drive up there, pick it out and then drive back.

Now that the initial shock has worn off, I wish he was closer so that I could visit his grave. Since he is so far away, I probably won't get up there more than once a year.

From my perspective, you definitely did the right thing!

deleted_user 09/22/2010

Jim wanted to be cremated and wanted me to keep his ashes. The ashes are in a marble urn in the bedroom. There is enough room on the top to add my name when it is time and enough room inside for my ashes too. It is a comfort to me to have the urn with me. When we are both gone......the children can decide what they want to do with "us". You did the right thing.......it is for the living to decide. I was just very fortunate that Jim's wishes and mine were in accord.

laurabp 09/22/2010

I also think you did the right thing; sometimes it is just not feasible to honor our spouses wishes, for any number of reasons, and I think they would understand. For me it was the issue of Stan's books. He had a rather large collection of books, mostly non-fiction, about other cultures - American Indian, Polynesian, Tibetan, etc. He wanted the Indian books to go to one of the tribes in this state. It was a nice thought, but just not practical for me to try to do, especially since I do not drive. Nobody in his family was interested in even helping me get some of the books to the public library. A yard sale was out because of the rules in my lease. In the end I had 1-800-Got Junk pick up all of the books. Their policy is that they try to find a place to donate good stuff, not just take it to the dump. When I told them about the books they said probably they would be donated to a school or library.
There was no guarantee, but it was the best I could do. I did feel bad about it, but honestly, I think it is wrong for people to insist on the survivors doing certain things, because you really do not know what the circumstances will be like after you are gone. laurabp

deleted_user 09/22/2010

Our wishes were that we be cremated and buried together in the BraDSTREET CEMETARY together. John wanted this for both of us. I was to bury him, but haven't done so yet. I get alot of grief from his dad and I do understand his point. But I'm not ready to do it yet and it's my decision. I may never be ready and may never bury him. However, in my will my kids know and so does my younger brother that I am to be cremated and then we will be buried in the same plot. I think you did what was best for you and you shouldn't feel guilty over that. I don't think I would want my husband buried hundreds of miles away from me either.

deleted_user 09/22/2010

I also think you did the right thing. My husband was cremated and we have a double plot and double headstone in a cemetery near our home. I visit often and talk to him and it brings me comfort. I feel he knows I am there. We have to do what brings us peace and comfort. Take care, Sandra

rene4ever 09/22/2010

I think you did the right thing. I would never bury her away from me and her kids. Rene' decided to be creamated but did not want to be buried in the cold ground. She was cremated and I bought a stone monument that was above ground and put her to rest. It is only 15 minutes from our home. The rock was carved out and also has room for me. The family and I visit often and place flowers. I know she is not there she is in heaven. But it makes me feel good to visit her and talk. It's a place I know she was at.

Here is something I believe:

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you wake in the morning hush,
I am the swift, uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circling flight.
I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there, I do not sleep.
(Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there, I did not die!)

Text by Mary Frye

Dave

deleted_user 09/22/2010

I think that your decision was not only based on love, but on a well thought-out reality! It is very easy for people to want to make decisions for us or make comments about our decisions. When we are well and discuss where we would like to be buried or put to rest, it's more "romantic" in nature and not always in line with reality. You had to think long and hard, searched your sould, and at the end of the day, it was you who had to make this one difficult decision based on many facts! Keeping him near, you are able to visit his gravesite and it gives you peace -- that is what is important. I am certain that from heaven Joe is thanking you for struggling with yourself to make this right decision. My husband loved the ocean -- that is where he is resting in peace -- I like to think that he has found a great fishing hole and is enjoying the fishing!!! Many blessings to you!

deleted_user 09/22/2010

I think you did the right thing. Good for you! I had always told my husband (kidding around-we frequently talked about dying and funerals and burials...never thought it would really happen) that I was going to haul his behind to a cemetery where most of my family is buried. 20 miles from here, and he's never been there. When I needed to actually find a cemetery, I went there as my first choice. But, like you, I thought that nobody would ever visit him there. And because of the distance, I wouldn't go often.
I decided on a nice cemetery about 15 minutes from home. I visit often. Like you, I've planted grass, flowers, and tended the site. I read to him, sing to him, talk to him. Tomorrow, the cemetery is having a "Day of Remembrance." Of course I'm going!
In the summer they have chamber music concerts and readings. There is a library, a reflection pool, a pond, "story stones" and a "memory walk." It's really a pleasant and comforting place. I'm so glad that I decided that we'd rest in eternity there.
By the way, I also purchased a stone with my name already inscribed! The saleswaman said that it's not often done, but I insisted it was what I wanted. Our portrait will adorn it also.

NewRoadsForMe 09/22/2010

Again, you great guys have lifted my spirits in your support of me! Thanks for taking the time to respond!

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