I passed the 4 months post and, as Martha so rightly said in one of her post, reality sets in, "fog" is clearing, decisions have to be taken. I now know for definite that my husband is not coming back.

I read about grief, listen to people but in reality took little heed of it all. I am naturally an impatient and impulsive person (the proverbial bull in the china shop). I was floored but my husband's sudden death and totally unprepared for his disappearance. In spite of all the advices and against my better judgement, I accumulated mistakes. In spite of my own harping on about taking a day at the time and doing small steps, I took giant steps, did not listen to my inner voice telling me to slow down. Inevitably, it ended up in tears and despair for me. My husband died just a few months into his retirement. I felt it was unjust for him; he worked hard all his life and did not get to enjoy any of his easier years. So I took into my head to do alone what we had planned to do together. I have travelled forth and back from one country to another, attended parties we had committed ourselves to, etc. far too much for me to cope with. Of course, I collapsed in a heap at the end of last week and was beside myself with grief.

I hope I have learnt my lesson, I have cancelled all of my (our) next coming months travelling commitments and not try to do at once all we had planned. I am going to stop my giant steps and return to a more sedate pace. But I have now decided to shape my new life alone and change the many plans we had together to ones that will fit my "on my own" life. I hope he is smiling, wherever he is, at my unaltered impulsive ways he had the use to laugh at.

Too much rambling, I guess, but I needed to.