Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

3,758 Members
19,465 Posts
0 Online
Death & Dying
/ Widows & Widowers Support Group

Little Regrets

ChrisForeverLove
ChrisForeverLove

My husband and I had a beautiful unconditional love.  No matter what came our way, we always knew we were there for each other.  We rarely had a big argument although we definitely bickered.  Sometimes more than we should but even then it lasted a minute or two and then it was over.  He was a very good hearted and funny man and very clever with his sarcasm which many times made me laugh but other times made me give him a sarcastic response right back.  So, why am I bringing this up?  I wake up to this grief rollercoaster every day and now I happen to be in the "I should have done this and I should have done that mode.  Maybe I shouldn't have made a remark every time he left his shoes in the middle of the bedroom instead of putting them in the closet.  Maybe I should have said less to him when he was eating poorly although I only did it out of concern.  It's just that all the imperfections of our marriage come to the forefront sometimes and I dwell on those things instead of thinking about all the beautiful and happy things in our marriage  I know no marriage is perfect but one thing is for sure -- we truly had a love and a relationship committed and devoted. For the last three days, I did a crazy amount of crying.  Now, I wake up focused on things we could have done differently.  Bottom line is I just wish this all was a bad nightmare and that he was coming home so I could hold him and tell him once again how much I love him, what an exceptional father he is and how he is my home.  Just wondering if anyone else out there goes through these days of regrets over the smallest of things.  Ugh, I just want him back and now here comes the uncontrollable crying.


annierodge
annierodge
So sorry for your pain. I think its normal, and part of the grieving process, to feel any and all emotions including regret and second guessing every exchange you had with him. For me, I feel as though I relived our relationship in my mind and every memory made me cry. I consider that a cleansing of my heart. I think it's necessary to cry and yell and just feel those emotions. Its been 7 months and I have to say that because of my faith in GOD and a true belief that our loved ones really never leave us, I have found peace. I see him in so many of my everyday moments. Cheering me on, encouraging my independence. I still cry and I always always miss him, but there is still joy, there is still laughter, and there is still happiness. I believe they want that for us. You will get there. Everything you're feeling and thinking is normal. Just let yourself feel it and then move forward. Move forward a little bit each day. Thoughts and prayers for you.
Kimberlina
Kimberlina
I am sorry you are going through the grief roller coaster. I call mine the grief beach some times the waves are little and then there are the tidal waves. You made me smile when you said you and your husband bickered. My children used to call us the Bickerson's. Thank you for that little memory. I believe in life we will always have the woulda, shoulda, coulda's. As we are trying to make do with the new life that has been thrown at us, I see them happening more often. I miss my husband daily somedays it is constant. God has also given me strength. In Him I have faith and hope. Take care
lexie
lexie
I do have feelings of regrets especially the week before my husband died. My picture enlarge so that he could see it in front of the fridge, typing up a letter to the editor so that it can be publish that month. Sadly I didn't do it. Or I wish I didn't signed him up for hospice.
I feel guilty. He was a brilliant man, funny and with a great sense of humor. I could do no wrong in his eyes . He loves me very dearly. We traveled all over the world.
He was the only man I knew that loves me unconditionally. I am deeply sad without him . And yes, there are times that I think it's just a dream and he's coming back. The laughter we shared every day is gone. The articles in the newspapers he wants me to read is now non existence. I wish I did more to keep him alive or tell him how my appreciation.
Guilt it is. But I think I did what I know best at that time.
Warm hugs...
Lexie
Community Leadercliffskat
cliffskat
Guilt is a common feeling for us, but I cannot emphasize enough that it is a totally useless emotion in our losses. A love that is real and true includes the bickering, the ups and downs, the moments where you and they are just pains in the arses. It's life - pure and simple. Love and trust sometimes is shown by loving and trusting the other person enough to lose your temper with them - weird but true. The main thing is that you loved each other and he knew it. Cliff used to tell me that even my imperfections were perfect - for him. He didn't want me perfect, he wanted me as me. I am sure your husband loved you for all that you were with him - including the imperfections. It's easy to be nice to someone that's perfect, but it takes real love to love someone even when they leave their shoes in the middle of the floor, cap off the toothpaste, etc., etc., and are annoying the crap out of you. You came through for him in a million ways. Don't beat yourself up! He loved you and you loved him, and that's all that matters.

I am sorry you're going through this. We all do. It will get easier, honest. Hang in there.

Love and Hugs,
Martha
ChrisForeverLove
ChrisForeverLove
Thank you everyone. It makes it easier when you hear advice from people that can relate. I don't know why I do this to myself but I guess it's just part of the journey. My daughter actually told me that he would say, "When you grow up, I want you to be just like your mother." So I think that should tell me that our times of bickering didn't make a difference in his thoughts for me. I think I do know that but just need to hear from others to help put me straight and that is one of the reasons this group is so helpful to me. Love, prayers and hugs to all of you.
vwidow
vwidow
Lexie, You did what you knew best at that time. I 'm thinking the same. My new issue is that I now know what killed him and if I new it then and protected him from it he'd be alive. And yes I really believe that. So my question now, being a very analytical person, is why God didn't intervene and save him. God gave me a ton of warning signs and I was blinded to them, or didn't put enough weight into them. I felt like just a spectator, days before his death. He had a vision and said it was his time but I didn't even take that into much account because he had talked about death since I knew him. He said he should have died a long time ago. He even said early on that maybe God brought me into his life to help him to die, so I was predisposed to be numb to his comments. He had recently endured and survived so much that I started to view him as indestructible by man. A grave mistake...and now we only have his dust.
Changednow
Changednow
I read a book regarding widowhood and loss. It read that everyone who had been interviewed spoke about regrets. I do this too and then remember he wasn't perfect either. He just was so close in my memories because I loved him so much. Yes, when I lost him it was as though someone hacked off my right arm and I am still searching for it. I ask myself who I am without him. There were things only he knew about me. I'll see him again and my other relatives who have passed to heaven, and I can't wait! They are watching the gate for us, with great joy!