Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Girldawg1 10/23/2013

I took a deposit today on the last big item, a cargo trailer my husband and a friend built. Soon that will be headed down the road too, along with the camper, canoe, boat, tractor, tools... I guess I still have his truck, but not selling it yet. Each item has memories attached to it and a little story behind it; each represents shattered dreams. Our possessions possess us in a sense as they become part of who we are. They are just 'stuff', but the more personal the item of our partner the more emotional this gets. I can't use them and the practical thing to do is sell or give them away. The idea of seeing it go to a new home where it will be used isn't difficult, what is hard is each item represents a little part of our life together. And now it goes down the road, one item at a time. Dispensing of these things simplifies my life more, but not in a happy or positive way. This is not a good trade-off for simplicity.

sandeestttn 10/23/2013

When I sold, or gave away so to speak, my husbands saltwater aquariums. They went downhill while sitting for these 8 months. H e had $2000 in them.... I sold it all for $100. To see it detoriate was killing me. And to know they weren't going to be used by him anymore, But when the guy drove off with it all. I cried, All I have left is his power chair, and trying to sell it, another thing that is going downhill. just sitting... Sad to see it go, but sadder just having everything sitting going downhill..

sandeestttn 10/23/2013

Another thing going downhill... my house..... My husband used to tell me, I had to stay right here when I wasn't working, because the house went downhill when I wasn't here. I told him, no, the house is the same whether I am here or not. Well, I work and drive, and sleep, for 4 days and nights. When I get home for my 3 days off. It seems to have gone downhill. The washer and dryer, are sinking into the floor. Its like the house is unhappy. It looks dark and dreary. When I come home for 3 days/nights, starts cheering up a little. Then time for me to go back to work and leave it again. I have always loved my house, but thinking maybe I need to get rid of it?

cathylynn58 10/23/2013

I know what you mean...my son drives my husbands truck now....it is still a stab in my heart when I see his truck on the road

marysch 10/24/2013

I know exactly how you feel. I gave away his clothes, mostly to friends and family. It hurt but in some ways I couldn't bear to see them all the time. I sold his truck before he died and it was so sad to see just one car in the garage. Then I sold some tools and I felt like I was just getting rid of pieces of him. It was very difficult. But yesterday, I sold all his office furniture and I realized, I'm slowly giving away our life together. There will be more to come because I will eventually sell our home and downsize, if I make it that long. It's like erasing your life together..28 years...and it' destroys a little piece of me every time I do it. I really sometimes can't stand it.

deleted_user 10/24/2013

I am struggling with possessions as well. I cannot bear to walk into my closet and see all of his clothes hanging there. Somebody told me they waited 4 years before getting rid of her husband's clothes and I'm only at six weeks since my husband passed. I think it is a very personal and individual choice for all of us to make. Giving his clothes way at six weeks versus 4 years does not mean I loved my husband any less than she did. For me, it's just too painful. And it's painful to see his car in the driveway when I come home from work. That will soon be "going down the road" as you put it. It's devastating but it's a part of moving on.

Girldawg1 10/24/2013

A sizeable number of items (particularly smaller personal stuff) went to family or friends that would use and cherish them. I spread it around, so many will have a little 'part'. That is a comfort.

Shrn 10/24/2013

Selling or donating the items we had as a couple is difficult. Yes, there is a story attached to each piece. Decide what you are ready to let go to someone in your own time.

We enjoyed so much time riding with friends and when my husband died I struggled with what to do with his bike. He treasured it and washis proud possession. It actually haunted me in the garage, so I choose to gift it to his best friend. It was the right decision for me, but I have felt that it needs to be rode by someone who enjoys it as much as he did. Sharon

gerald222 10/24/2013

Oh yes the dispensing of items is a gut wrenching process. Every item has a story. I wish I had advice but I still continue to struggle with this as I sort through the house. I feel a sense of relief when I sort a closet or whatever but the process always brings tears. The only advice I have is do it at a pace that is comfortable for you. I have started and stopped many times. Gerald

terryanddon 10/24/2013

I am only at a week and a half but have started to give away his coats and some of his other stuff to friends and family. His clothes are downstairs waiting when I feel up to making a quilt from them someday. Our youngest son-his, is taking his chair and some power tools on saturday. I am also giving some of the heirlooms of his family to my son (grandfather clock) and nephew (table chairs). They are both delighted and it helps to make them happy. I cannot go into his office yet to sort out-it will be a long while for that. Terry

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