Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
Recently, a newcomer to DS early in their loss, called this a prison sentence.
Yes, this is a prison sentence...and there is no escape.
We who are living that sentence are the only ones who understand what it's like for each other.
When the rest of the world says "get over it", "move-on"...bullshit, they don't know what they are talking about.
They all get to go back to their regular lives where nothing is missing... and we are left all alone, half-or-less of what we used to be.
And what crime did we commit to deserve the agony of perpetual loneliness, that is understood only by we who are living it?
Did we dare to love someone, make a lifetime commitment, dedicate our life to someone, give it everything we gotand did we have the audacity to survive when out Loved One did not?
Thats not the way it goes down at the time-of, when everybody surrounds you and tells you how sorry they arelike they got a guilty conscience about something.
("Too bad it wasn't you")
But somewhere along the line, we are going to do some little thing within the course of our grief, that is not up to someone's expectation of us...then they become more distant and more distant, and eventually they cut the cord.
Someone told me once..."When they show you who they are, believe them the first time."
Good advice...but instead of all this syrupy-sweet phony compassion at the time of loss, instead of putting on that show for everybody else's benefit, to show everybody how compassionate they are...why don't they just tell you to your face "You know, I never did like you, and I'm not going to waste my time acting like I do.
That would be more honest, alot quicker, and the best thing they could do for somebody who is being steamrollered with grief.
But then, they wouldn't get to put on the show and feel good about themselves.
"I'm such a good person, so compassionate...what ever would he do without me?
What-ever would I do without them?
I would take in a big, deep breath of life...and I wouldn't be worried about if they don't like it or not.
Ive heard it said that grief rewrites your address book.
And our lives hold so much more hope, without those people in it.
Yes, this is a prison sentence...and there is no escape.
We who are living that sentence are the only ones who understand what it's like for each other.
When the rest of the world says "get over it", "move-on"...bullshit, they don't know what they are talking about.
They all get to go back to their regular lives where nothing is missing... and we are left all alone, half-or-less of what we used to be.
And what crime did we commit to deserve the agony of perpetual loneliness, that is understood only by we who are living it?
Did we dare to love someone, make a lifetime commitment, dedicate our life to someone, give it everything we gotand did we have the audacity to survive when out Loved One did not?
Thats not the way it goes down at the time-of, when everybody surrounds you and tells you how sorry they arelike they got a guilty conscience about something.
("Too bad it wasn't you")
But somewhere along the line, we are going to do some little thing within the course of our grief, that is not up to someone's expectation of us...then they become more distant and more distant, and eventually they cut the cord.
Someone told me once..."When they show you who they are, believe them the first time."
Good advice...but instead of all this syrupy-sweet phony compassion at the time of loss, instead of putting on that show for everybody else's benefit, to show everybody how compassionate they are...why don't they just tell you to your face "You know, I never did like you, and I'm not going to waste my time acting like I do.
That would be more honest, alot quicker, and the best thing they could do for somebody who is being steamrollered with grief.
But then, they wouldn't get to put on the show and feel good about themselves.
"I'm such a good person, so compassionate...what ever would he do without me?
What-ever would I do without them?
I would take in a big, deep breath of life...and I wouldn't be worried about if they don't like it or not.
Ive heard it said that grief rewrites your address book.
And our lives hold so much more hope, without those people in it.
Yes, grief rewrote my address book in many very surprising ways.
I fought for my marriage, and I fought for my sanity when I lost Cliff, and I fought for my dignity, too. I own my grief. I own my broken heart. And I'm still standing.
No, no one who hasn't gone through this has the faintest clue what it is like and what it does to you.
Don't let the turkeys get you down. The people that leave you and let you down are just making room for better friends. Trust me. Been there, done that, and it's true. It will get better. Don't give up.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
I hit the 8 month mark a week from today. I knew in the early
weeks that I was gong to be alone. She wasn't there when I
would awake and she wasn't there to softly say " I Love You "
before we went to sleep. She wasn't there for everything we
did together every day and every night.
But, I did not realize in the very early weeks that I was going
to be ALONE. My life is at a standstill. It is not because I want
it that way. It seems to me my life stopped almost eight months
ago. But for many that I know, life is going on with numerous
activities and I hear laughter and I hear about plans to do this
and that and whatever. At first, I did get a few asking me
how I was doing. That stopped. They are not rude about it
but it is though she never existed. Now, I am starting to
get the feeling I don't exist as I am now avoided as though
I am a leper.
They just don't understand to any degree whatsoever. I am
barely functioning. I dread leaving work and going " home "
as it is no longer a " home ". She is not there. It is now just
a house where I live.
All of the many bright colors of my life simply disappeared
from the moment I lost her. Now, life is just a dull black and
white with lots of gray that I have to trudge through minute
by minute and hour by hour. None of my family, co-workers neighbors or " friends " understand it. I am not deliberately
sitting and generating self pity. I have no control over the
situation. I can't bring her back. THAT is the only thing that
would make me feel better. Nothing else.
A man I have known for years actually asked me if I had
thought about dating again. I know I looked at him as
though he was a space alien. I was so shocked that my
mind would not function to even allow me to create a
response. I know I looked at him like, " What is wrong with
you ? ". I knew her for 30+ years. We lived together for
27 1/2 years and were married for almost 25 years. She
was there for everything. She held me together at times
and I held her together at times. We shared the good times
and bad times and everything in between. We leaned on
each other for everything. We had a pure and totally
unconditional love between us.
Jut approaching 8 months, why would someone ask me
if I was thinking about dating again ? That's insane.
What I do know that I my brain is going to be functioning
again ( at least partially ) at some point in the future. I am
gong to have a long look at people that I thought I knew.
Eighty8 - I like that expression " steamrollered by grief ". I
can truly identify with that as I have been flattened.
Blessings -
Darrell from Texas
Grief does rewrite your address book. In a way it is strangely liberating, at least it was for me. It was terrifying, frustrating, heart breaking, but liberating. When you can see exactly what is important to a person, when you are stripped down to bone and all but the essentials are burned away by grief, your vision is 20/20. I became ruthless in my quest to rediscover myself and have some quality of life, if I thought you were full of BS if I knew you were out for yourself and had no compassion in your heart, I cut you out cold. I lost a lot of so called friends, but I was the richer for it, for I now knew what was truly important in this life, not cars, houses, money, vacations, but compassion, kindness, time and friendship.
And I rebuilt, I kept the true, got rid of the false, and looked at people with more open eyes LIke Martha, I own my grief and broken heart. I put my stake in the soil and stood. I have some very different friends now, but, let me tell you, I trust them with my soul. They are the kind of people who are not concerned by what others think of them, they are from all walks of life. They are all uniquely broken and uniquely strong. Some are young, some are old. They are the true, the loyal, the compassionate. One of them, a biker with tattoos, beard, Harley, and his own broken heart decided to take a chance on, in his words, "a girl who looks like she is out of the Sound of Music." As Martha says, it does get better, and the clearing out makes room for better truer friends.
Hugs,
Val
I no longer try to be understanding. Why should I or anyone here be sympathetic to their feelings? They aren't the ones who lost. So in part I have definately moved on...from them that is. And you know what I am actually doing better in a way not worrying about their problem with this. But I also include Linda in any conversation I have around folks who would rather not remember or be reminded. Guess what I refuse to let her fade away. She was here, is still here in my heart and soul and always will be with me, even if God sends me another speacial lady to share my life with. And if not I will see her again anyway.
So I'm not sensitive to those folks and will not be. The very very very sad part about this. If they are married one of them will go thru this unfortunately. I still would never wish this on anyone.
I am very sorry, I should be more of a Christian about this but you know even Jesus got angry about things He cared about.
So again I'm done with them and will leave them to God and His mercy because unfortunatley I don't have much for them. Not right now anyway.
Eighty 8..please take care of yourself and do what you need to do for you. Don't waste your time on those folks just pray for them and keep movong forward.
Peace, Tim
It has not. I feel more steam-rolled and hopeless than when I was anticipating The Date (which, to be honest, I think of as the whole week- from the morning he died until after the funeral)
After he died I had set a very simple goal- to survive the day of his funeral.
Then I thought some kind of ethereal Superwoman survivorship would imbue me with a power which I had not yet felt.
Didn't happen.
For full disclosure, I must admit to facing extra difficulties, above and beyond widowhood. But I still never imagined that missing my husband would continue to grow stronger & stronger than in the beginning months.
"Whatever doesn't kill you will make you stronger".
I'm sorry, but it ain't happening!
My particular version does not have a whole lot to do with other people failing me (although they are moving on)
It is just plain needing and missing my husband.
Never dreamed I cold be so alone on earth. was never a "needy" person for other peoples' company. That was more like the cherry on top of an ice cream sundae (IF I wanted one).
Now, I only miss HIM, and to the core of my being.
This has got be as close to hell as I can get on earth, inside of myself.
I do not know how to continue getting through more of this "cut in half" deal.
People mentioned that passing the one year mark means Entering the Second Year!? I had not even thought of it like that.
I am SO DONE.
Love all of you.
Barb.
Martha, when you say "I own my grief", that is profound...we all do, certainly we have earned it, and it is ours to deal with in the way that is best for us...and we owe no apologies for it, to anyone.
Rain, you will not "waste another ounce of energy to be upset with people belittling you"...surely a place we all need to get to.
Honey, you rewrote your address book for the exact same reason...bra-vo!
Darrell, your analogy of "All of the many colors of my life simply disappeared from the moment I lost her...now life is just a dull black-and-white that I have to trudge through minute-by-minute and hour-by-hour"...what a profound description, and we all know it much too well.
Val..."when you are stripped-down to bone and all but the essentials are burned away by grief, your vision is 20/20"...another profound description of our merciless reality.
tim57, my-man: "But I also include Linda in any conversation I have around folks who would rather not remember or be reminded... Guess what? I refuse to let her fade away"...That is why THEY DID NOT DIE...because that is the way we keep their spirit alive! Bu-Ya, Tim, I got your back 200% on that one!
Barb..."This has got to be as close to hell as I can get on earth, inside of myself..."I am a big believer that hell is not a creation of God, but of man...we know exactly what you're talking about, but know that you are not alone in that hell.
The most important thing I think it says to me is just like Martha said, "We OWN our grief"...that means that from one day to the next, for as long as there is...
1.) We get stronger
2.) We survive
3.) We have no other "good" choice
4.) All we can do is the best we can
5.) In the absence of our Beloved, we survive for ourselves
6.) We owe the world absolutely no apologies
7.) Our Beloved live on in our hearts
8.) Nothing else matters.
Thank you all again...88