Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Truhal 12/09/2011

I remember losing my mother over ten years ago. There were days when I couldn't think of anything else. I would recount things that happened the last few weeks of her life. I remembered it with clarity, down to the smallest detail. Then the years passed and days and finally weeks would go by without me thinking about her at all. Sometimes I forget details. Gone are the days when I remembered what she ate on a certain day. Now when I think of her it's like looking at a movie--a life that I had no part in. I am so differnt now and share few features with the daughter she knew. It seems hard to believe she was such an important part of my life.

I knew one day the same would happen with my husband. Now, it's starting--that feeling that our life together is no longer part of my life. It started when I moved. My new home contains none of the past--not a single piece of furniture was ours. Even the bird cage is new. Daily I feel the love of my life receding into the past. Daily I feel the change in me, knowing that I'm becoming a different person--someone my husband would not know. I know soon that I will view our life together like a film--that one day I will ask myself was I really that person?

The feeling is surreal. I'm nearly two years out. Are there others longer in this journey feeling the same way?

deleted_user 12/09/2011

Your words are so right on, so much that I don't know who I am most of the time because he is not here. I hate even having fun because it shows me that it's possible without him and then I feel awful continuing on with just his memory. Luv to you ...Lisa

deleted_user 12/09/2011

Yes, I completely understand. The description of how your're feeling about the loss of your mother is exactly how I feel about the loss of my father, who passed seven years ago. He was the first strong male influence in my life, yet it feels like my life with him before Mike was a dream. It's been two years for me as well, and since I'm still living in the same house, memories are sparked every time I step on the bamboo floors that my Mike installed with his bare hands.The raw pain has faded and it's weird to think that I was actually married for 28 years. I too have turned into a different person, almost like an alien from a sci-fi movie. I'm existing and getting more and more back into life, yet there's an undercurrent of sadness that will never go away. It's almost zombie like. This chapter of life is very bizarre, and I have no choice but to keep moving or I"ll get trampled. Peace to you!

cleodoggie 12/09/2011

I lost my mom 31 years ago and to this day I can hear her voice in mine once in a while. I look at my hands and they are so much the same and my eyes.Everytime something goes wrong I wish for her. Especially when Jim died. Now I only imagine the help she would have been. Yes it seems like a movie...an oldie but goodie. I am sure it will happen with Jim. I hate the fact that I have lived 2 1/2 years without him and I have gone forward with my life and he's still back there in 2009 and before. Hugs to you

Comfortablynumb 12/09/2011

Because my husband's tragic, and premature death produced tremendous emotional, sensory and mentally overload for me, I became numb. After accepting his death, I lost sharpness of many emotions.
It is like out of body experience sometimes, as if I were above the earth observing what is underneath.
Very often I am just being, as if I were a fly on the wall, not in the midst of their emotions and concerns.
When I hear bad news, I experience muffled, dull sadness, not an active poignant response to things as it used to be.

Another strange thing happened, that I started liking everything old; older music, older classis movies, like to be around older people. I even moved to a senior Sunday school group, where everybody is 10-20 years older, and I feel more comfortable around them.

In many grief recovery groups I saw anger, bitterness, irate grieving, other scary manifestations of anguish, it was frightening. I prayed I will never experience rage, but I did some, it was a road rage though, and I was glad when it was gone. I prefer dull, it is less damaging to me and to my relationships with those whom I care about deeply.
Perhaps, staying emotionally closed for a while is a part of a healing process, or another permanent change I have to accept.

deauxgirl 12/09/2011

I know exactly how you are feeling. I'm a little over 2 years now. There are still a lot of my husband's stuff around, and I have to start the process of removing it, maybe a room at a time. He was a collector, I'm not. What was important to him, is not so with me. Whatever my kids or grandkids don't want, I'll have to sell or donate.

I think it is easier to move on for you, since you moved. You are creating your own person, your own identity. That's a good thing. I think I'm still a little stuck as the other half of a couple. I'm trying to move beyond that, but it's not that easy.

I think where you are, is just where you are meant to be. You will always remember your husband, I think more so, than you did for your mother.

Paula

Nicker07 12/09/2011

I do believe for me, because I was alone for yrs before I remet my co worker I hooked up with for 15 yrs its time to keep my good memories, and reinvent who I am. Find a new niche in this life - with more opportunities to live not dwell on this loneliness. I will always miss him, feel sad at times, but I so want to feel my life is not just that.

When I get down in the dumps the sad parts come out not just in losing him but all that has happened from that point on. This just is not what I invisioned my later yrs of my life would be. Its true I also do not want to get trampled down stuck here in my sorrow forever.

deleted_user 12/09/2011

I so do agree with you Nicker 7 - I feel like by moving forward I need to figure out who I am and where I want to be - I am almost 55 and did not think I would be in this position so early on - I guess I figured if it happened it would be when I was older and maybe a grandma etc and my path to take would be easier. I know some of my friends and my family just think as time goes by I will just adjust and go on - as how we were before when I was part of a couple! I know that I don't want that - I want something different - just not sure what - it is either too soon or hope it will sort it self out as some point.

As to the original post - I know alreadiy I am feeling like bits of him and me are slipping away. At least I dream about him still!

deleted_user 12/10/2011

Interesting thread. I am not the same person that buried my husband but I am most like the person that I was before we met. It's not so much that I feel further away from Jim but that I have truly come to grips with the fact that that part of my life is over and done and can never be again. I would have been utterly devasted if someone had tried to tell me that I would feel this way when I was early in my grief but I understand....now.....that it is a natural evolution and one that had to take place. To have stayed in the grief and refused to move on would have been even worse than death. Like Zakki said......there is always that undercurrent of sadness but I have moved forward and I am at a very good place in my life now. Jim is still tucked safely in my heart but I am laughing and living again and even looking forward........quite a difference from where I was in January 2010.

missmyhero 12/10/2011

I'm just starting to feel something like you are describing. I don't know what it is because it is new and frightening to know that once again things are changing and I have no control over it. I will always miss Denny. I am feeling like I am so not the person that I was when he died. I have been forced to rebuild half of me and I have been rebuilding. I'm seeing our lives together more and more like a movie of us. I miss that part of me so much too, but it's just not the me that I now am. I'm not sure any of this makes sense because I am just now trying to figure it out for myself.

But anyway...I get what you mean.
hugs...
-Diana

deleted_user 12/10/2011

I feel the same way. The first 7 months felt like this middle place in between my old life and this new life I have now. I have been thinking about this lately too. I can recall feelings and memories that are just so different then who I am now. Also, my birthday is tomorrow and I think I've been fighting that because its just another sign that life is moving on without my husband. It just feels like a completely different world than it was then.

marjoe 12/10/2011

I get what you're saying, Tru, but I feel a little differently. My mother died 11 years ago, and I'd say it probably took 5-6 years before I could let go of the sickness memories and remember just - mom. Same with Joe, but the good memories came back a lot sooner. The deal is, I'm still the same person, but with a different perspective and a lot of hard earned (very hard earned) wisdom - that comes with a high price. The past is the past, yes, but it's all of a piece to mold me into who I am now, and I'm still changing. Am I the same person as 3.5 years ago? Yes and no. I let go, but they come with me, and that's ok.

deleted_user 12/10/2011

I feel more like Marjoe----I'm still changing--but the good memories have stayed vivid---I hope the bad memories, the memories of sickness and tubes and machines fade faster as time goes on. I want to hold on to all the memories though---let the hurt and the sadness go, but hold on to the memories--I will never forget.

edithbathgate 12/10/2011

I'm going to be a year in in a few days. My pain is still very real, and everything in the house reminds me of him. I am reluctant to let go of any memories, but I have redone the one roon that used to be his enameling studio. I still have his equipment, though. I will probably give it to a university. I don't want to forget anything I learned from this gentle, spiritual man.

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