I am also at two and a half years. It hasn't been my experience that time heals so much as it gives you space to get used to it.

It depends, I suppose, on your definition of healing. If by healing you mean everything put right or as it was, it's not going to happen. If by healing you mean finding acceptance for life as it is, that is possible. If by healing you mean finding new ways to be fulfilled and happy, that is possible, at least to a great degree. But you have to be flexible. The more rigid your ideas of what is non-negotiable, what MUST be true in order for you to be okay with life, the more you will suffer.

You say you're able to smile and remember times you can describe as "wonderful". That's an excellent start. The rest is probably mostly to realize that you had no right for that to go on forever, and therefore no reason to be angry at the universe, God, your husband, yourself or anyone else because you didn't win the lottery. Don't compare yourself to others and look for symmetry or some expression of "fairness" where it doesn't exist. You can't look objectively at the world and all the random grief and suffering in it and imagine that you're exempt or that you can even hope to make sense of it all.

The truth is, you're suffered a terrible, enormous, obscene, miserable loss, and that is, as often as not, the price of caring deeply and loving well. This system doesn't appeal to me, but the alternatives are even worse: to not be open to all of life's possibilities is a living death.

Your husband would want you to choose life, to be happy. I am sure of that. I know my wife wanted that for me. She admonished me not to become "an angry, bitter old man". I do my best to not disappoint her.

--Bob

Thank you Bob for your wisdom and constructive guidance. As I've said, only those who've gone through the pain of losing a spouse or partner KNOW the terrible struggle of this kind of loss.

Yes, you're right when you said that it is unfair to myself and others that I would assume that my relationship would never end, at least here on the earth plane. This world is one of beginnings and endings. Nothing is guaranteed, except death and taxes.

As you said, I have a choice, as well as others who lost loved ones, that in order to move on and regain happiness, we need to find other sources of it and to keep from becoming bitter and angry for the rest of our lives. Those we've lost would not want that and we would be shortchanging ourselves.

I've been told it's called getting to a new normal but even that doesn't come with guarantees. It's all a process with many hills and valleys. This is one huge valley but there will be hills too.

Time does not heal.....grieving over lots and lots and lots of time does. They call it grief work and it is the hardest work we will ever do in our lifetimes. When we allow ourselves to grieve fully over an extended period of time, we slowly begin to see daylight.....it takes years though...

Go through all of those memories and allow yourself to feel the pain of losing your loved one. It hurts, but you can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, gotta go through it....

It does not mean that you will ever forget your loved one however and it does not mean that it will ever not hurt at all.

It is not fair, and it will never get more fair! It will ge bearable someday if you allow yourself your grief and do the grief work.

Hang in there through the storms and please know that you are not alone in this.

hugs to you..
-Diana

my therapist tells me that once you accept that your loved one is gone that is the road to healing. But of course it's different for everyone. I am only one year in and most of the time I am ok, but I do get angry jealous and depressed. My son keeps me going...I have to pull myself together. I am so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry that you or anyone else has to go through this. I am just starting year 4 since my husband died of 32 years and just this last month I went to the doctor for HELP! Each year brings new feelings of love, anger, love, resentment, love, lonliness, love, emptiness and the feelings go on. No matter what anyone else says grieving is not a recipe that you can follow and when you get to the last ingredient you wash your hands and walk away. Grieving takes time and time for everyone is sooooo different. When people say time heals you have to know that human time is so different than God's time. So healing happens but it is in His time. We need to grab an the opportunities to heal and that is a choice. I really don't think the ache ever goes away, but one day you will look in the mirror and have a smile and then all of a sudden you will find that two days have passed and you are still smiling. Don't beat yourself up. Surrender to the process. Enjoy the memories and love that fact that your found someone to share love with. Some people never even get that chance. Hang in there!