Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
A link to an eloquent Facebook post by Sheryl Sandberg about her experiences 30 days after becoming a widow landed in my email today. Over 600,000 people have "liked" her post. In it, she says things very similar to what we say here.
https://www.facebook.com/sheryl/posts/10155617891025177
What is Option B? She says:
I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, But I want Dave. I want option A. He put his arm around me and said, Option A is not available. So lets just kick the shit out of option B.
Other tidbits (I recommend reading the full post):
A childhood friend of mine who is now a rabbi recently told me that the most powerful one-line prayer he has ever read is: Let me not die while I am still alive.
I have gained a more profound understanding of what it is to be a mother, both through the depth of the agony I feel when my children scream and cry and from the connection my mother has to my pain. ... She has explained to me that the anguish I am feeling is both my own and my childrens.
How are you?almost always asked with the best of intentionsis better replaced with How are you today? When I am asked How are you? I stop myself from shouting, My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am?
I have learned to ask for helpand I have learned how much help I need.
I have learned that resilience can be learned. Adam M. Grant taught me that three things are critical to resilience and that I can work on all three. Personalizationrealizing it is not my fault. He told me to ban the word sorry. To tell myself over and over, This is not my fault. Permanenceremembering that I wont feel like this forever. This will get better. Pervasivenessthis does not have to affect every area of my life; the ability to compartmentalize is healthy.
I have learned gratitude. Real gratitude for the things I took for granted beforelike life.
---
I needed to read her post today. I learned a new word to describe rebuilding my life: resilience.
Let's kick the shit out of Option B.
https://www.facebook.com/sheryl/posts/10155617891025177
What is Option B? She says:
I was talking to one of these friends about a father-child activity that Dave is not here to do. We came up with a plan to fill in for Dave. I cried to him, But I want Dave. I want option A. He put his arm around me and said, Option A is not available. So lets just kick the shit out of option B.
Other tidbits (I recommend reading the full post):
A childhood friend of mine who is now a rabbi recently told me that the most powerful one-line prayer he has ever read is: Let me not die while I am still alive.
I have gained a more profound understanding of what it is to be a mother, both through the depth of the agony I feel when my children scream and cry and from the connection my mother has to my pain. ... She has explained to me that the anguish I am feeling is both my own and my childrens.
How are you?almost always asked with the best of intentionsis better replaced with How are you today? When I am asked How are you? I stop myself from shouting, My husband died a month ago, how do you think I am?
I have learned to ask for helpand I have learned how much help I need.
I have learned that resilience can be learned. Adam M. Grant taught me that three things are critical to resilience and that I can work on all three. Personalizationrealizing it is not my fault. He told me to ban the word sorry. To tell myself over and over, This is not my fault. Permanenceremembering that I wont feel like this forever. This will get better. Pervasivenessthis does not have to affect every area of my life; the ability to compartmentalize is healthy.
I have learned gratitude. Real gratitude for the things I took for granted beforelike life.
---
I needed to read her post today. I learned a new word to describe rebuilding my life: resilience.
Let's kick the shit out of Option B.
Hugs
Jen
Hugs,
Val
You are right. There is no option B. I am a wife...not a widow. My husband waits for me on the other side. It is what it is and crap on people that have trouble with this. They don't pay my bills, shed my tears, or console my children. This is who I am and with gratitude for what I did have, I get up every day and give it one hell of a shot.
Maggie
Becca