Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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FlorenceTN 08/02/2014

Yes, I did say that. I work for a dentist, run his front office, and I deal with every person who comes through the door. Most times I love my job but there are times when it's very uncomfortable. Now, I'm out of practice, I haven't dated in 14 years. My husband and I dated 2 years before we married, so I am way out of practice. Recently I had a patient ask me out, even though I had just told him I had just lost my husband in Dec. He asked me if I was dating anyone and I said I had NO interest in dating. He still gave me a card with his number on it asking me to call him after work. Needless to say, when he left the office, it went in the trash. I would like to have a male friend for companionship, but this one would not be one I would choose for many reasons. Have any of you had any awkward situations like that? I honestly don't know what to say to men anymore. Especially one so thoughtless to ask me out even after I made it clear that I had no interest.

The other thing I wanted to ask was what do you say to tactless people who ask you questions about your deceased spouse? We have busy bodies that come in from time to time that just won't leave the topic alone. You know the type I mean, false concern, gushing etc. How do you put them off or change the subject? I don't handle it well when people ask me about my husband. Those that know me well enough don't talk about it. They ask me how I am doing.

cliffskat 08/03/2014

Wow! That guy sounds like a real creep! He must believe that old myth that we widows are "easy" or something. Yuck!

If people ask you about your loss while you are in the office just tell them that you are working and don't want to discuss it. Period. That way, even if they are insensitive about your feelings, chances are they will respect the fact that you are on the job. Stupid, but it works. I used that one.

I had lots of strange things said to me at work. One Monday morning, one of the very zealous ladies I worked with, presumably fired up from the Sunday church service the day before, decided to show up at my desk and preach to me about Jesus and how I needed to turn everything over to Jesus, etc., etc. I was flabbergasted! It was so inappropriate on so many levels, and it was insulting and hurtful, too. I reported her to management. And then I came home and started writing a song about it - country-western style - because I was so angry and upset about it. It made it easier to laugh about it later. I lost all respect for that woman that day.

You have the right, the legal right, not just the moral right, to not be harrassed at work. If you need to, talk to your boss about it.

Hope this helps...

Love and Hugs,
Martha

sassiesoftail 08/03/2014

It's interesting you brought this up. I work in a repair shop where we repair all the equiptment for our city.
I check in all the equipment, so I have one on one contact with the operators which are 99% male.
I have been asked out by two, both times I had been having a tough day and had been crying. Really guys obviously I am missing the love of my life why would I consider a date? One keeps asking, my supervisor is involved and is closely monitoring this behavior.

My answer to these gentlemen has been "thank you but I am not comfortable with my new normal and I am not interested in dating" for one that has worked. The other one keeps telling me that I need to get out, he is also a widow.
Hugs, Sandi

tableforone 08/03/2014

After my friend's Mom and mine died (in their late 70's), the ladies almost immediately began to swarm around our Dads. They talked about how they had had to tell these women to back off, always directly and often quite sternly. Fourtunatly for me, I haven't been approached like that yet but I have a good example of how to handle it until the time I might be healed to the point I'd consider dating again. I have met a widow, friend of my wife, a few times to share a meal and talk. I really missed talking to a woman, hearing a woman's voice. All good until the last time when she began to talk about intimacy in a way that made me uncomfortable. I gently redirected the convesation and was able to get the point across that I wasn't interested. We have remained friends thrj social media but haven't met again one on one.

John1962 08/03/2014

Shortly after 'returning' to work after Tracey passed, I had great support from colleagues and friends. I had a meeting, where after it had finished, one of my female colleagues of a similar age stayed behind and simply placed her hand on my arm and asked; "so, how are you?" She went onto to tell me that she and her husband had now separated and were going through divorce and if I wanted to meet up and chat, then give her a call. I felt so uncomfortable, maybe the mask I was wearing was too convincing and maybe it was said out of friendship, but I felt she was telling me that she was 'available' Was I just being too sensitive so soon after losing Tracey?
In any event, there's no way that i am ready for moving on in this way, who knows what our future holds, but right now I feel married and am still desperately in love, although an empty shell. I feel for you and the guy was being completely insensitive. Sometimes people who haven't experienced this pain expect us to get over it, as if it's a cold or flu. None of us want to be alone, but we will deal with it on our terms.

FlorenceTN 08/03/2014

Thanks everyone. I try very hard to be sweet to our patients, I really enjoy most of them and have come to know some quite well. The guy is creepy. I finally got up and walked into the back office so he would sit down and wait for his name to be called. I will have to remember to tell the busy bodies that I don't want to talk about it. That will definitely help if they take the hint. I think when that particular gentleman comes in the office again, I will have my counter part deal with him. Even though I am seven months out from my husbands death, I am still married in my heart. I don't want a relationship. I posted in another thread that companionship is what I want, someone to talk to but anything beyond that is not wanted.

tlsom 08/03/2014

Hi Flo. Just a thought....do you still wear your wedding or any ring on that finger? I still wear my rings because I want to but I think it also helps deter guys. Not saying this is right for you but it is something that crossed my mind.

FlorenceTN 08/03/2014

Depends. Sometimes the sight of my ring just makes me hurt so much that I have to take it off. Other times I wear it for weeks on end. Maybe I need to deal with it and wear it. I have considered having my rings made into a different ring altogether so I will still be mine but a different setting, if that makes sense?

marjoe 08/03/2014

Flo - yeah, this guy sounds like a real keeper, lol. (Kidding!) I know how you're feeling. In early bereavement, I felt like my emotions were outside my skin, and didn't, G-d forbid, want to be nasty or say anything unkind, even though afterwards, I'd be angry (and rightly so, considering some of the whackers I encountered). I'll give you one piece of advice. Use the word "no". You can be polite, and you can shut it down. There were times I simply said, "I don't want to talk about it", and that was it. No discussion. You owe NO ONE any explanation. Hugs, Marsha

onward1 08/03/2014

When people ask too many questions about Paul, I just tell them I'm not strong enough now to discuss it.

laurabp 08/04/2014

I have been widowed 5 years and I STILL wear my ring, partly because it is a constant reminder of my husband's love, and partly to keep guys from thinking I am available. I figure if and when I meet somebody I want to date in the future, we will have talked in spite of the ring, but in the meantime it puts up the barrier I want at this time.

jerseydebbie 08/04/2014

It's possible you will never wish to date or remarry, but that is a decision of yours and yours alone. My awkward situations began two weeks after my husband passed. TWO WEEKS!

Basically you tell the person that your personal life is off limits and end it right there. Any other answer usually opens Pandora's box for further inquiries and discussion. No is no, and if the person can't understand that, ask him/her point blank what part of NO they don't understand.

Tactless people? My answer is "I'm sorry, but I really don't want to talk about it." Keep in mind that if others have not lost a spouse, they have no idea what we are going through. Even though I know this, I make it very clear not to ask me again. If they don't get the hint, just politely walk away.

FlorenceTN 08/04/2014

Thank you! I will try keeping that in mind.

sandeestttn 08/05/2014

I just told people, I am not ready to date yet, or to the noisy. I am not ready to talk about him yet. No need to try to be polite, just a simple answer like that.

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