Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I met my great-grandparents when I was a young child. I remember visiting my great-grandpa when I was about eight years old. Born in the 1880s, I'd never seen anyone as old as he and I sat and stared. He died when I was about thirteen so he should hold a greater place in my memory but he doesn't. I look at his pictures and can barely remember his name.
Great-grandma is a different story. I met her at a younger age. Whereas great-grandpa was my father's grandfather. Greatgrandma was my mother's. Throughout my childhood my mother spoke of her often, recalling how she spoke and the wonderful person she was. I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't know my great-grandman. To this day I can recall those stories and remember her name like it is mine. If I had had a girl, I would have named her after my great-grandman. She holds a special place in my heart.
Here's the surprise. I've never actually met her. I've never seen a picture of her. Why? Because she died in 1935 when my mother was only five years old.
So here's the lesson in my mind. It's not how old you are when a person dies, it's how we retain the memories of that person in stories. My mom brought great-grandmother alive by telling me what she rememered of this remarkable woman. She was the only family member who did so. This message came to me late last night when I was thinking of how my grandkids wouldn't remember my husband. The boy was only 5, and the girl not even a year old when he died. I figured it would just be a matter of time when they would both forget him.
Then I remembered my great-grandma, a woman who'd died years before I'd been born. I remembered her as if she were someone I knew, a part of my family just like my mother and father and the countless aunts, uncles and cousins I'd grown up with. I can tell you that she had long hair that she pulled up into a bun. I can tell you that she had sparkling brown eyes and a wonderful smile. I can tell you that my mother loved her dearly and that she spoke of her grandmother on her death bed. "I'm finally going to be reunited with my grandmother," my mother said smiling. She looked forward to seeing this woman and yet my mother had only been five when she died.
So, for all of you who are worried--stop. Instead, bring your spouse back to life in stories. Tell your children and grandchildren about them and our spouses can live on even into the generations not yet born.
Tru
Great-grandma is a different story. I met her at a younger age. Whereas great-grandpa was my father's grandfather. Greatgrandma was my mother's. Throughout my childhood my mother spoke of her often, recalling how she spoke and the wonderful person she was. I can't remember a time in my life that I didn't know my great-grandman. To this day I can recall those stories and remember her name like it is mine. If I had had a girl, I would have named her after my great-grandman. She holds a special place in my heart.
Here's the surprise. I've never actually met her. I've never seen a picture of her. Why? Because she died in 1935 when my mother was only five years old.
So here's the lesson in my mind. It's not how old you are when a person dies, it's how we retain the memories of that person in stories. My mom brought great-grandmother alive by telling me what she rememered of this remarkable woman. She was the only family member who did so. This message came to me late last night when I was thinking of how my grandkids wouldn't remember my husband. The boy was only 5, and the girl not even a year old when he died. I figured it would just be a matter of time when they would both forget him.
Then I remembered my great-grandma, a woman who'd died years before I'd been born. I remembered her as if she were someone I knew, a part of my family just like my mother and father and the countless aunts, uncles and cousins I'd grown up with. I can tell you that she had long hair that she pulled up into a bun. I can tell you that she had sparkling brown eyes and a wonderful smile. I can tell you that my mother loved her dearly and that she spoke of her grandmother on her death bed. "I'm finally going to be reunited with my grandmother," my mother said smiling. She looked forward to seeing this woman and yet my mother had only been five when she died.
So, for all of you who are worried--stop. Instead, bring your spouse back to life in stories. Tell your children and grandchildren about them and our spouses can live on even into the generations not yet born.
Tru
" I had two of my baby granddaughters here this afternoon for a couple of hours while their mum and dad went to visit some friends. My screen saver on the computer was playing a selection of pictures of my son - the elder little girl was asking who was in the pictures - she didn't recognise my son because they were mostly of him as a little boy. Then one came on which I had taken of him with Rod. I said .........and that's .... with your granddad Rod - do you remember your granddad Rod?..... She shook her head. She was only two when Rod died and although I have lots of photos of him around the house I guess I haven't kept his memory alive for her, or maybe she's just been too young. She's so cute - I hate that Rod is missing out on sharing in her growing up."
I will certainly start telling her and also the younger ones, stories about her granddad as soon as I think they can understand.