This site is so important to me for so many reasons. In the beginning, I was offered such grace and support by so many caring individuals as they were reading about me beginning of the journey which they had already began. In the early days (mainly months 1-3) my whole existence was a blur. The acceptance of just how much my life had changed in practically an instant was sinking into my subconscious like water into concrete. 

As difficult as those days were, what helped me get through was that I could come to this site and vent (if I felt like contributing), or I could just sit in my recliner and scroll through all of the other "conversations" and take comfort from people that had been where I was. Slowly I began to get that small quiver of hope that life could one day be somewhat tolerable.

I can say now that I've come to what I believe is another milestone in my journey to reach that tolerable life. Prior to Michael passing, we always ate dinner at the table as a family. But, from that first night home without him, my children and I just couldn't bear to sit at that table and enjoy a meal. So, we resorted to eating in the living room, with the coffee tables serving as our "dinner table." 

Then, this past weekend something inside me said, "Now, it's time to rebuild the family. Now, it's time to get back to as much normalcy as possible." So, I stayed up until 2:00 a.m. on Sunday evening and gave the house a proper and thorough cleaning. I even went to Wal-Mart and bought some really nice placemats. Beginning this past Monday, we've been able to enjoy our dinners at the dining room table. I know this sounds like a very small, insignificant feat, but to me this felt like a "growing" experience.

While I did have a tinge of sadness sitting at the table the first time, I didn't have that feeling during the whole meal. It just felt like the right thing. I sort of felt a sense of pride in knowing that he would have wanted me to take this small step. He would have wanted me to step into his shoes and be a leader for our family.

I guess my overall message to the newcomers is to not give up hope. You, too, will reach that day when you accept that things have changed, and you accept that you need to change with it. I'm not saying that my life is without struggles. I deal with the grief everyday. Some days are worse than others. But, now I understand what people meant when they said that life can be enjoyed, it's just in a different capacity.

You are all in my prayers.

I hope that this helps you through your journey.

Kathy