Hello, all. It has been several months since my last post.

Since I wrote last, I've lived through the one-year anniversary of Michael's death, what would have been our 21st anniversary, and our two daughters' 5th and 14th birthday. I was surprised at how well I did on the anniversary of his death. I did take off of work that day, but I was surprised that I did not spend the entire day crying inconsolably. It was an incredibly sad and reflective day, but I was not an emotional trainwreck. I think it is because I've been anticipating that day, thinking that by some miracle, things would magically get easier once that day was behind me.

I wish I could tell you that was what happened. Unfortunately, as most of you know, it doesn't work that way. I have had several good days in-between the bad ones. The crying spells are fewer. Instead of focusing on the amount of time that has passed, my attention is now aimed at all of the milestones that Michael is missing - and that just utterly breaks my heart. I know with each passing year, there's always going to be something that he should be here to witness and share with me. But, this year is full of them.

Our 5 year old is graduating Pre-K in a few weeks (This will absolutely break my heart because they will be performing a little program with songs and bible verses. He would have never dreamed that he would not be here for that.) Then, she will begin Kindergarten in the fall.

Our 14-year old daughter will be entering high school this fall. Our 15-year old son will be turning 16 in a couple of months and will get his "official" driver's license. On top of that, he will be entering the 11th grade in the fall - just one more year closer to graduating. It just seems that when I accept the reality of him not being here with me for one event, another one will come along and the cycle starts all over.

My oldest children have seemed to adapt well, they don't talk about it much. We do reminisce with stories about their dad, but they don't talk about his death much. They know they have the freedom to at any time, but for now I'm just respecting their wishes and I'm letting them grieve in their own way.

My 5-year old is another story. She is still trying to grasp the finality of death. Just out of the blue one day she asked me, "If Daddy is all better in Heaven, when is Jesus going to send him back?" I then replied, "Well, when people get to Heaven, they are so happy to be there that they don't want to come back." I then let her know that she will see him again one day, when it is her turn to go to Heaven. Every once in a while, she'll ask me when it will be her turn. I explained that her Daddy is with her and watches over her every day and wants her to stay here with me for as long as possible. This seemed to satisfy her. I just do the best I can to let her know that I don't ever want her to stop asking questions. I've created a photo album for her, which has lots of pictures of Michael with her and she'll pull it out and look at it occasionally and then put it back.

I'm sorry that I can't offer a huge amount of encouragement today. I am just currently going through what I call a "blah" stage. While our family has made tremendous strides over the last year and a half, we still have little spells. The important thing is to not let it totally encompass you. Some days I have to literally make myself get up out of bed. Weekends are still the worst days of the week because the structure of the week is gone and I have more time for my mind to roam.

I do have to say that this year I am feeling the urge to get back out in the yard, plant flowers, and clear out the brush piles. That is an improvement from last year because this time last year I didn't have the heart to do any of those things.

The other day was such a beautiful day, the sun was shining in a beautiful, cloudless blue sky. There was a light breeze and the temperature was perfect. Where was I? Sitting in a dark house, with the blinds drawn, watching TV. Then suddenly, this thought came into my head. My internal voice was saying, "It is absolutely sinful to waste such a beautiful day. Michael is not here to be able to appreciate this, so it is your responsibility to not let it go to waste." What did I do after that? I got my butt up, gathered my 5-year old, and we went outside. Soon, the older children followed.We swung on our porch swing overlooking our property, we played with the dog, we watched the sun go down. Then, when I went in for the evening, I didn't feel so hopeless. So, I'm going to try to appreciate each day as it comes and try to live each day to its fullest potential. I need to appreciate what a gift it is to being alive, even if I have unpleasant days.

I apologize for rambling. I sincerely hope that someone can be helped by my post today.

You are all in my prayers. 

Kathy