I agree with you. I went to the cemetery today. It was a beautiful day and 75° here in Florida. It was like a beautiful spring day. I wanted so bad to lay down by his grave and die with him.

They say we will get through this and get to the "other side of grief", I know I'm very early in this journey. All I know to do is trust God. I'm learning to trust Him in ways I've never trusted Him before. Some days it's easier to trust Him than others.

Perhaps a long,fulfilling, and complete life combined with the need to avoid a bleak and lonely existence is sufficient incentive for their body systems to shut down.

I’ve heard that myth about old couples. In my family the men all lost their wives while in their 70’s and 80’s then went on to live 6-22 more years. They had broken hearts and grieved one and all yet, they had productive years in which they found happiness and enjoyed the life they had left. What I learned from them was that each of us is unique and none of us know how long we have here. We can spend that time pining away for what we lost, frittering away what time we might have left here, waiting to die. Or, we can live what life we have left here, seeking the fullness and joy that life can hold for us. Our departed spouses would want nothing less than that for us. That’s my experience and I choose to live this life beyond my loss. Your mileage may vary. The choice is yours. It all depends on what you decide you want your life to look like.

Pining away? Is that a stage of grief I haven't heard of?

Perhaps it comes after the wallowing in pity stage.

I have seen this happen in my own family. My Uncle had a stroke and was unable to talk. My Aunt had Alzheimer 's and was also unable to speak or recognize anyone. Her husband passed away and she did not know about it. One day 2 weeks after his death she had very lucid day. She asked her children "Where's Daddy" . They told her of his passing. She said she was tired and wanted to take a nap. She passed that day in her sleep. They had been married since they were teenagers. Although sad for the family they left behind glorious for the 2 of them. They did not spend much time apart before they were reunited forever.

I would think that most of us know older couples that have died days apart. The desired end to a beautiful love story? Perhaps...but life isn’t a Hollywood movie ending the way that we imagine or want.
The vast majority of couples, even older ones, die years apart. How you live out those years is your choice.

And....”Pining away” can happen in any stage....except acceptance....

Rick: Pining away is a secret level in the Grief Mario Brothers that can link you jump from the bargaining stage to acceptance.
OP: Sometimes the broken heart is the last straw that broke the camel's back. Grieving takes a toll on the body, with the emotional wreckage and losing the will to live. We all have our own unique journey, and until Day Zero comes we all have to own our journey.

I tire of hearing "the choice is yours" about the whole traumatic aftermath of death & loss of our spouses. as we speak to each other in forum.
I learned long ago that, many inner struggles and weaknesses, are actually true incapabilities which people innately have. We are not all equipped the same. It is easy to tell people that a choice is theirs. It is quite another thing for some people to overcome their struggles. Humans include many inborn traits in huge degrees of variation, and also very much which was produced during formative years..
There are also a whole lot of "formative" things which occur in life, within a couple, during several decades of living together, which can increase difficulty of adjustment in later years.
(the actual "dying" factor includes so many of it's own causes/effects, that is a different matter.)
I won't pursue these subjects.
I only hope to increase carefulness while speaking to each other here about grief and adjustments. Please just keep in mind.. In reality: None of us really know any of the difficulties or equipment which anyone else has. We just don't.!
IF you have never learned firsthand (in loved ones, and/or in yourself) that huge disparities can truly exist between innate capabilities and functioning in the challenges of life, then please understand that you are extremely fortunate.
You also are not equipped to make pronouncements about their "choice" to strangers here.
and that is really ok, as long as you limit yourself to making pronouncements about your self.
To others, extend more grace., and great respect for the unknown.
Take care.

Well said AfterMom.

My mother wanted to join my father after he died. So she waited, and waited, and waited. She finally died and joined him - 14 years after he died. It was a wasted 14 years, and if I know my Dad (and we were real close), he probably chewed her out for wasting the opportunity to live those 14 years. We kids did everything we could to help her, but she had made up her mind.

I promised myself and my husband that I would never do that. And I haven't. I never wanted to wind up like Momma. It was such a waste - she could have done and seen and given so much. I'm doing my best not to go that way.

It's super hard being the one left behind, and it's easy to resent people who don't have to suffer as we have. But don't let it stop you living.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

I respect each and every one of you. In the same sense, very few know the struggles that those of us who say the “choice is yours” have been through. Frankly we have been through hell and back more than once!! In our staying on this forum well beyond our initial grief...we are trying to help those who ask the hard questions! We’ve been down that road and yes we are “fortunate” now as you say but we’ve worked DAMNED hard to get to that place. Don’t ask me not to judge as if I don’t know what I’m talking about. John and I have been here for years. We’ve been way past broken and with a lot of personal work and this very forum (a million thanks to the people who came before us) have learned how to cope in this life. We offer advice to try to help you to get through this horrid experience maybe just a little bit easier. Avoid the traps we’ve fallen into. Give you a heads up as what to avoid. And at the very least try to cheer you up if only for a minute!
I’m tired of trying to help only to be told that we don’t understand. Or that we are “are not equipped to make pronouncements about their "choice" to strangers.” Really? Let me just say that I’ve tried to give advice to some when asked only to be rejected time and time again with every idea given! Makes me wonder...why even ask if you don’t want help?
Well...it takes a lot and I mean A LOT to piss me off but I’m there thank you very much.
So...best of luck in your journeys. I’ve truly cared for each and every one of you but maybe my time here is done.
Care for each other.
Darcie
Oh, and btw....the choice IS yours... like it or not!

Perhaps I instigated this anger with my own. I confess, the term " Pining Away" pissed me off because it made me feel that I could simply assume a new attitude, and that my grief and loss wasn't really based in reality and that the grief process isn't a real process at all. After all if I could just slip on a new attitude I wouldn't need to grieve and waste my time. Darcie, I know you and John are full of love and support, but right now J. H. Christ if around would probably say something that would piss me off, and yes I realize that is a reflection of my state of mind which I am currently not equipped or motivated to change. I certainly wouldn't want my anger to affect whether anyone stays or leaves and if it came to that I would gladly leave first.

Rick51, you have no fault here. rest assured.
Darcie, I understand that you are angry. I felt NO negativity toward posters who are doing well. Only requested carefulness with "pronouncements" toward those who may be drowning (whose reasons are probably multiple, and Not Simple to comprehend, outside their life context)
However, please take time to Review what I was speaking about, with regard to individuals' Innate capabilities IF they are having difficulties dealing with traumatic emotional issues etc.. Every humans' capacities include genetic & other acquired resilience factors. For example, PTSD changes things.
In no way did I attack or demean you. I am sorry you felt that.
If you can try to redirect your focus to what I said about other people, not you. and how I explained WHY. maybe it will help.
All I meant was that NONE of us are equipped to evaluate others here. That is all. We may see things, but we do not have "their" whole picture. and there's nothing wrong with that.
Many people are differently equipped than the others. It would be too limiting for me to list things.
Suffice it to say that I learned this in dealing with traumatically-affected children with multiple issues, many which were also inborn issues!. Will-power and determination have limitations.
I did not say any of the insults which you felt.
I used to believe that behavioral choices were all within each persons' control. I learned differently through very extreme circumstances, combined conditions, etc.
IF you have never collided with that wall personally, consider yourself fortunate (to have been spared that). I NEVER said you were succeeding because you were just fortunate or had an easy life. In no way did I ever say that.
but there ARE people who are laboring against "issues" which are beyond their own control. We can not see that or tell them differently.
If that is not ok with you, sorry. but I can't change it.
Every human is differently equipped than others. the spectrum is quite lengthy.
Neuro and other wellness issues, including unnamed things? They exist beyond what WE have experienced. Sorrier than I can ever say.
PM me if you are still offended or angry.
I want to diffuse this. but with mutual respect.
I wish people would never get broken. but we do.
B.

The question was "Why do older people sometimes die after they have lost a spouse"? and "Why does that not happen to younger people"?. I can only think it's because it may not be the persons time yet. I believe our lives are planned from the minute we enter this world. When it's our time we must leave.
Many months after my husband passed away, I was told that "they all thought I was going to die too". That was eleven years ago. I had more living to do and I did it. It's sad when it's our time, but when we're older, at least we've had all that life offered us. I'm saddened when a young person passes away when they have hardly experienced life. Thankfully, I've never lost a child. I can only imagine the heartache it must be for young parents or young spouses. It seems unfair but there again it's what is meant to be.