Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I'm coming up on a year since I lost my Scottie. In the very beginning, I followed the cues of others...if they talked about my loss, I did. If they avoided it, I did. If they needed me to smile, I did. You get the picture. I simply didn't know how to be, so initially it was just easier to pattern my social interactions after whomever was standing in front of me. As I became stronger, I found that this was draining away the small amount of energy I could feel returning to me and I wasn't willing to squander it. I also had a very good friend, also a widow, who counseled me to just "be" with no mask required. It has all felt rather like morphing-phases which seem to happen easier if I stay out of my own way, just let it happen. Many times I tell myself I am only along for the ride here. I have very few clues myself as to how a situation will affect me, only know once I'm in it if it's a go or not. Some folks are uncomfortable with this uncertainty. Some still insist on bringing in the dancing bears when I can't laugh. One previously close friend was too often frustrated (and verbal) that her efforts weren't appreciated enough. Another could only stay present with the me that most resembled the me I was before and would cut out if this was not the case. I feel angry if I look at these actions as judgments, less so if tell myself some people can't see past their own personal discomfort about death.
I have changed over the last 2 years. I can't say better but I can say different. I am different. I've accomplished some things I never thought possible and had to let go of some things that were very important to me before. They are just no longer important.
My experience with just being "me" is that not everybody is comfortable with it and it can definitely affect other people. I can see it in their eyes. It's great to be "me" around people who get it. Here. Other forums. No person in my real life "gets it" or cares to "get it".
This is a part of the journey. Out of necessity, I've learned to be kind to myself and support myself. I've learned when to get still and just feel what I'm feeling. It's just a feeling and passes.
Hugs,
Val
It is hard losing pieces of your social network and support system just when you need them the most. It's like a domino effect of losses when your spouse dies. It is like it wasn't just Cliff that dided but my friendship with so-and-so and my closeness to that other person, etc. People who had leaned on me through hard times were suddenly not there for me to lean back. I hated that aspect of it. Disasters bring out the best and worst in people, and I did get to see how truly fine some people were and how truly fake others were.
Hang in there, you will get through this...
Love and Big Hugs,
Martha
I'm saddened by some of the people who have decided that they don't know what to say to me, so they don't say anything! In their avoidance of expressing a feeling [any feeling] to me they've shown me that I MUST move forward and away from them. Can and will I bring them back into MY life?.....I don't know! Their flagrant expression of "we really don't give a damn" has allowed me to become stronger and choosier about who I will be around in my future.
Today our office was playing a game of bingo....just for fun [actually for lottery tickets], it's something we do occasionally and the boss buys the tickets. I'm the "caller" and usually no one attempts to help me.....today one of my colleagues picked up the bowl and started calling with me.....It just felt so good to have a man helping me. I must admit it felt so good to just sit back and let a man take over!!!! I'm telling you, I've missed that for quite some time now!!!! And, I have to tell you.......I didn't mind at all!!!
I feel so much like the rest of you, I'm going to be ME. If I feel like crying and being loud......I WILL BE!!!
You are special to me and I so wish that we could just sit and look at each other, into each others eyes and souls, cry, laugh, have a group and then a really heavy sigh!!!!! We do have each other!
Love you,
Roz