I totally understand where you are. I was let go from a job I had for 23 years when my husband died in September. I have a four year old and we are still going through the terrible three's and his pain over losing his Dad.

Once I was let go I actually felt better. I had gotten to the point that I didn't like my job most days but loved to the people I worked with. I am getting SSI from my husband passing and have looked at this as part of my loss. I need to become an independent woman and know that I will find a job that is better than the one I had. Keep your head up, you find something better.

I'm so sorry that you're facing so many losses all at once.

Do you think that if your husband were still alive that you would still have your job?

You need to focus on you and how will you survive this? You are stronger than you think and have the power to bring yourself forward and to a better place.

These challenges seem so overwhelming but once we dissect them and face them, we show ourselves who really has the power.

I wish you strength and courage in the days ahead.

Roz

My last day is Friday. I thought I was handling it well until this weekend and I realized that I was unconsiously doing some of my Tim's favorite things and than it dawned on me that I was looking for his comfort.
It stinks but this too shall pass.
Hugs, Sandi

We get our identity from so many outside factors. Our husbands, our children, our families, our jobs.

We women are such selfless creatures. Once we realize that we don't need mitigating factors to give us our identity we become empowered.

I love being a woman!

Roz

Thank you all. Roz, I know my husband being here wouldn't change my present circumstances. But I know he would be here comforting me, something I miss. But you're right, I have to rely on my inner strength. I just get tired of being tough. I'm trying to practice more self care and not really caring about the company's success or failure while I'm there has actually given me more energy and in most ways made me happier because I have more energy for things I enjoy. I'm still relearning me, and I'm finding I like what I see in the mirror a heck of a lot more than I have in a long time.

You go, find yourself. Don't let anyone stop you or tell you that you can't do it [whatever "it" may be.] Believe in yourself, then suddenly others will believe in you.

YOU have the power!

Roz

I guess that includes myself, haha. I'm the one who quite often tells me I can't do whatever it is. But I'm getting there. I'm encouraging myself to take it slow, but get out there and start enjoying my life more. It's a hard uphill battle fighting yourself....

Change you words from "fighting" to "finding!"

I battled with myself as to whether I could carry on and get through all this, and my "internal committee" as my sister calls it (the negativity we picked up from other people that gets repeated in our thoughts) was constantly telling me I could NOT do it. I could NOT do a good job of rebuilding my life,raising my kids, keeping the household running, etc., etc., etc. When everything seemed too overwhelming, including the mega-stress and craziness at my job, a friend sent me "The Knots Prayer" as an affirmation and reminder - I have a picture of the poster in my Photos here. In a way it is not so much a prayer as a declaration - a challenge to those inner negative voices, so please take no offense if God isn't something you are okay with - substitute your loved one's name or The Universe or Higher Power or even your own name for God if it helps. It is meant to be empowering. It goes like this:

"The Knots Prayer

Dear God:
Please untie the knots
that are in my mind,
my heart and my life.
Remove the have nots,
the can nots and the do nots
that I have in my mind.

Erase the will nots,
may nots,
might nots that may find
a home in my heart.

Release me from the could nots,
would nots and
should nots that obstruct my life.

And most of all,
Dear God,
I ask that you remove from my mind,
my heart and my life all of the 'am nots'
that I have allowed to hold me back,
especially the thought
that I am not good enough.
AMEN"

A big chunk of the rewriting of my address book by grief had to do with my work, my colleagues, and my career. I still am amazed at how terrible some people treated me on the job, and I am still awestruck by the people who came forward unexpectedly and helped and comforted me. It was surreal. When I finally left, to move to England, it was a relief, albeit a bittersweet one in some respects. I try to let go of the bad and retain the memories of the good.

I hope your next spot will be fabulous!

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thanks Martha, that was great.

Not to go too far off topic......but you talk about living in England in practically every one of your narratives. How do you like living in a foreign country? Is it much more expensive living there than say, L.A.? Is the tax structure much different?

Morey and I always wanted to live abroad, at least for a short while, just to do it. Unfortunately, we didn't get that chance.

Living in England would be so nice because there would be no language barriers. Although, I do speak some German and Spanish.

Would a widow find it easy to make that transition?

Roz

Roz, I could write volumes about what it's like being an ex-pat living over here. The easiest way to describe it is that everything is the same and everything is different - all at the same time. The language is different, the banking system different, I have had to relearn how to do everything because I have to know how to do it the British way - like shopping and cooking using metric and centrigrade instead of Imperial and Fahrenheit. Oddball stuff is different - clothing sizes, names for fabrics, names for vegetables, and there are different names for the different kinds of sugar! It has been a lot of adjusting.

The first year was the hardest because immigration wouldn't let me bring my boys over, so they stayed with one of my sisters in our family home in Florida. And for the first 3 years, we lived with the uncertainty of not knowing whether we would all be allowed to stay. If I hadn't passed my test, or if the government simply decided to say 'no' we would all have had to move back to the States, meaning Mark would have had to leave his parents and daughter behind. (My parents died several years ago.)

The Brits really are not like us. And as a Californian, they REALLY are not like us. It's taken 5+ years to really make some headway socially here. However, perserverance is finally paying off.

I have friends, I do volunteer work here, my new in-laws and I are close, and the boys have the bonus of having grandparents - all 4 of their natural ones are dead.

Roz, you're a world traveler, you'd probably do fine. Me, I am a home body, so perhaps it's been harder for me than it would for someone else. Hard to say. It is expensive here for some things, and would be on a par with CA. The tax rates tend to be high, but their have National Health Service so my medical care is free and prescriptions are cheap. When I lived and worked in San Francisco, I paid the two taxes - State and Fed - and the two insurances - SDI and SSI - so in a way it's not much different from that.

It is, however, a LOT colder here than LA! After CA and FL, adjusting back to cold winters has been a challenge. I'll always be a California Girl, wherever I am. Like Tony Bennett says, I left my heart you-know-where....

It was Cliff's dream to move to the UK someday. I told him he was crazy. Then I wound up here. Another reason I think he had a hand in it!

Sorry Mrs. B, didn't mean to hijack your thread....

Thanks so much for the living abroad info.

Mrs Bruneau, I'm so sorry that your stepdaughter has disappointed you. These kids [no matter their age] just don't get it. Maybe when they're faced with the same kind of loss in their lives they'll be sorry for acting like imbeciles when we needed their support most

Roz .