Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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Death & Dying
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It was just a dream

jonesce78
jonesce78

I was unable to sleep well as usual last night/this morning. I did fall asleep and in my dream everything that has occured was all a dream. Clint was still here and he assured me that I just had a bad dream. Then I woke up and realized that it was just a dream. I found his favorite shirt last night and broke down. I have been searching for over a month to find it. I also found a cute little short clip on the camcorder yesterday. It was him and his voice and smile and laugh. It just breaks my heart that these things are all I have left of the life I had with him. Clothes, video, pictures, and memories in my head. This is lonely and empty. I find myself keeping track of the days since he left...39 days. It seems like time is going by so slowly now. I wake up and I just want to be back asleep but unless I take something, I can't sleep. There is no motivation at this point; just doing what is necessary to make it through a day. By the end of the week, I know I will be exhausted from the facade I have to put on at work as people just don't understand. How many miles did your run this weekend? Did you walk or bike? What mess did you get in this weekend? None. I don't care to do any of those things anymore, but I just put on a semi-smile and tell them "I was busy." To be honest, doing anything other than making the drive down to visit the grave on my days off is just non-existent. I get up every day and that is all I can give right now. I used to be so OCD about my house being clean and everything having it's place. I could care less now. It's clean enough and things get put away when the energy is there to do it. I guess I'm not really sure if I should "journal" these thoughts or post them. What I write is just depressing right now.

MrsG
MrsG
jonesce78 ..glad your posting and letting this out 107 days and counting my friend!! As days keep coming at me I just say..."that is behind me now"..."I did it, I got up and I did the dishes and got dressed YAY"!!! That is progress and it is indeed where we need to be...one second, one minute and one day at a time!! Because this is soooooo new and raw for us I too feel like I am still going to wake up and see him come through that door, but then I shake out of it and immediately go to another task at hand! I just got out some short clips as well and was able to catch his voice in the background and see pictures of him with the grandkids....it did make my heart fill with joy as he really lived his life contented with all things and I admired him for that. Continue to do the things you are doing to help relive your love as it was deep and a part of you these are our memories and we want to keep them alive...I travel that same road and even though I can still feel a sickness in my soul without him I am just getting a taste of what I am going to be with myself!!! Bless your heart!!
eighty8
eighty8
Jonesce78 and MrsG, if you have motion pictures and especially voice, you have treasure that cannot be measured...my Marylou left this life for the Spirit Realm June 12th last year (2015)...I had a bunch of voicemails from her on my cell from right before she went into the hospital, winter-spring 2015, they were fresh...but I was in such a state of shock, that I did not have the presence of mind to get them recorded on tape or CD...I thought they would be on there forever, but Sprint, bless their little nonexistant hearts, deletes voicemails after 60 days, and they are gone forever...in August, when I only had one voicemail left, I hooked up the USB cord from my phone to the computer and tried to rip that voicemail into the windows media player...it downloaded but it won't play..."not compatible with this format" or some digital bullshit...the people who designed whatever this format for DS is supposed to be, must have worked for Sprint.

Hey Sprint...why are millions of people like me dropping Sprint for other carriers, and why is your stock in the toilet in a race to the bottom? Because you flat suck, end of story.
sue8554
sue8554
I recently had the same dream, except Dan was jumping up and down in front of me trying to tell me he's here and alive. I thought is this all a bad dream....what about everything I just went through....funeral....insurance etc...instead of rejoicing in his being alive. I then woke up and thought maybe he was trying to tell me he's ok and waiting for me. It's been almost 16 weeks for me (I count by weeks, not days). I feel the same as you that time seems to go by slowly. I try to keep myself busy....my OCD seems worse......constantly cleaning and organizing. Same at work too....only I work 1-3 days a month so when I go in, they just mostly ask how I'm doing in general...except one nurse who lost her husband to LC just like me. She is a blessing. It is so true that everyone grieves differently. I still can't listen to his voicemail(s) yet. I can look at pictures and read things that he has written to me. If I hear his voice right now, I would probably break down and cry for hours. I'm hoping to cross that bridge soon because he has left me some wonderful messages that I have saved over the past year. I hope you can find another way besides med(s) to help you sleep....music....sound of a fan.....Please post again in a few weeks and let us know how your doing. Always Sue
onebrokenheart
onebrokenheart
Its ok to post here or to journal. It is ok if you feel what you write is depressing. We are all where you are at or been there. We understand here where hardly no one else who hasn't lost a spouse does.