I guess I forgot to mention what brought me back to you once again.....my heart and mind keeps bringing me back to the day that I lost Morey......to my deep despair and overwhelming sadness. He's appearing in my dreams, almost nightly, and is invading my every thought.

I'm sure a lot of it is due to my not be diverted so much with work but being sad is really not my style and it's making me uncomfortable, once again!

Roz, I sent you a long reply but I see it never got posted. I'll try again.

My husband died very suddenly on Feb. 17th, 2015. I found DS right away, but didn't start to post until around August. You won't remember me, but I so remember you. You always replied to anything I wrote. DS was like a family then. We all helped each other and any newcomers as best we could. When it changed and so many of the "oldies" left, I felt so alone and lost. I still feel that way to a degree today.
I stopped coming here except for once in awhile to see if any of the original people had returned. I know a few are still here, but you were special to me because you were always uplifting. I don't know why I just happened to check in today, and it lifted my spirits to see your name, although it's now "Rozzie".
I am experiencing the same things you are. My husband is on my mind so much. His face in the moments after he died so suddenly on that ordinary evening while we were talking invades my mind at odd times. My dreams are of our old life, and waking up is hell. For me, this has been going on for a long time. I'm so sorry for both of us.
I have not yet reached contentment in my life, but I try. I know I'll never have the true happiness I once had, but I would settle for contentment. I'm so lonely, no matter who I'm with or what I'm doing. Even after 4 years. But I keep hoping.
What do you do now that you're retired? I know how you loved your job.
I hope you stick around. Maybe others from the old days will decide to come back.
Hugs,
Linda

Good to hear from you both!

I always am reminded of a comment made here years back:

"I'm not the same woman that married him, and I'm not the same woman that buried him." We've been through so many changes over the time together and then through the loss, it changes us.

I think one of the biggest hurdles was finding any hope and feeling hopeful again. At times, I just had to stop myself from thinking too far ahead into the future, and subsequenbtly scaring the heck out of myself. I still get that way, but I think I am more adept at fending off the despair than I once was.

I do find I have less tolerance for some things than I once had. I can't watch grisly movies for an example. Somehow, I feel like I've had my fair quota of trauma and so don't find such things entertaining anymore. Does that make sense?

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Linda, your words were welcoming and it was nice to read them.

As I mentioned I have a Service Dog, "Horton", who goes where I go and keeps me very busy every day. He's 100 pounds of pure love and joy. I'm very lucky to have gotten him from Canine Companions for Independence and soon will be applying for a Successor Dog as he goes into retirement. He's worked with me since 2013 and has seen me through many important losses and transitions in my life.

I love cruising with my children and grandchildren and have a blog, that I started in 2005, about traveling with a Service Dog. Morey and I made cruising a yearly vacation and found great pleasure in seeing new sights and making new friends.

I promised my children that I would keep up the tradition and they could all all take turns cruising with me. I have a cruise planned in November with two Granddaughters. It's not the same as traveling with Morey but I love it and the children are great company for me.

There's so much paperwork involved with retiring; I had to change health insurance and because of previous health issues had to start all over again with new doctors that's a job in itself.

I had a horrible car accident in 2016 and had to do something I had NEVER done before.......buy a new car, all by myself. I did a lot of growing up after Morey passed away.

Sometimes it feels like I'm a robot, going through the motions of life but not really feeling any of it. Oh! Don't get me wrong, I do a lot of crying and feeling down and depressed, but it doesn't last long and I simply move forward, hiding everything I'm feeling, from everyone!
Somewhat like a soldier in the war of life or like a small child looking for warm and welcoming arms to caress and hold me! This thing called "life" is so complicated without someone to partner and help me through it all! These feelings are what brought me back to YOU!

I was staying in touch with Dayna [one of the originals]. I haven't heard from her in a very long time. She and many others helped in keeping me grounded in the very early days of my grief.

Linda, you mentioned "contentment", I'm not quite sure what that is. Sometimes I feel like I'm okay and then there's days that I almost feel like I'm having a panic attack.

I'm enjoying sleeping in and not fighting the rat-race of people on the roads trying to get to their "cubicles" all at the same time!!!!! I don't miss that at all! At first I felt guilty about not going to work.......I've learned now that it's okay not to work.

I certainly don't find contentment in some of the things on T.V. or in the movies. As Martha mentioned. When Morey and I would go to the movies, it was fun to get scared or thrilled by scary stuff......now, it's too "real" to be thrilling! It's weird to be alone and not have someone to feed off of and to help in decision making or to simply reassure me that it's all just make believe and reassure me, not to take everything so seriously!

Once you've experienced the scariest things in life........nothing is really scary......it's ALL too easy to really come true and my senses are much too fragile now, and I can't be fooled into believing that the "boogie man" doesn't exist.......I'm quite sure he does!!!!!!! And, is waiting in the wings to come out and really scare me at some time in the future!

Anyone who's experienced the sudden death of their partner know's exactly what I'm talking about!

I hope I haven't bored you with my writing.

Roz

I truly understand feeling like a robot and also the days of depression. It makes it so much worse when you have to paste on that smile.
I do have some info on Dayna (who was also a great help to me early on). I wasn't able to keep in touch with her after she left DS, but I have kept in touch with a friend who came to the site at the same time I did and helped me through a lot of tough times (still does, though I haven't heard from her for awhile). She keeps me informed on Dayna.

You probably know Dayna and Dewey got together. She moved to Montana with him. They were back and forth between Montana and North Carolina because she was having a terrible time with her husband's estate. I don't know if she ever got that settled. Dewey in the last few years has been very ill, and has had a liver transplant. They had to move to Seattle for that to take place, and I'm not sure if they have gotten to go back to Montana yet or not. I believe Dewey also developed a heart condition (I think) and had work done to fix that as well. That's all I know at this time. I probably should have messaged you privately about this. Oh, well...… I just can't start all over. My memory is so bad I had to think to hard to remember what I've already written.

You know, Roz, I thought my first years when I was with DS were the worst, but now I'm not so sure. As time goes by I seem to miss my husband even more. I don't enjoy anything nearly as much as I did when he was here. I kind of feel like a lightbulb that has been switched from the high setting to low. For me, this last year has been harder than the first years. I have kept to myself more, and I know that is not good. But as lonely as I am, I really don't want to be with people. I just hang on, hoping to start really feeling again.

I remember you talking about Horton. It's good you have him.

When I hear from my friend again, I'll update you more on Dayna.

Linda

Roz, I just heard from my friend. Dayna and Dewey are back in Montana. He goes for dialysis three days a week. He's been diabetic for quite a while. He also has a pacemaker. I had forgotten that Dayna went through uterine cancer right before Dewey got sick, She had a hysterectomy and chemo, and is fine now. She still hasn't gotten the estate settled. So that's where things are right now. They've been through a lot. But Dayna was always so positive, I know they're hanging in there.
Linda

Linda, thanks so much for the Dayna/Dewey update. We were supposed to meet-up at one point but Dayna got sick than Dewey. They've really had their challenges. I don't know if I would be so solicitous to anyone after Morey. It was only a matter of months but it sucked every bit of energy and life out of me for a very long time!

Linda, I know exactly what you're saying about just wanting to be alone.......I find myself talking more to Horton and to myself than to any other humans. When I do make plans and they cancel, I'm not a bit disappointed. I have learned to like myself and even find myself talking to myself more and more.

I have 3 children, two of whom live far away and the one who lives close by has borrowed so much money it has come in between our relationship. This is a big source of sadness in my life.

I have seriously considered moving but I have so much "stuff" it would take lots of time and effort to pack and or sell. I still have boxes of Morey's stuff that I need to weed through. Morey and I were both savers, I could open a store. If the walls could talk they would scream of memories and good times. Lots of family, friends and shared memories.

Maybe when you hit a certain point in your life all the memories and living experiences are enough to keep your mind and heart full! You hit a limit and just live off of all of it till the end.

My life tank is pretty full........is there room for more?

Take Care Dear Heart,
Roz

I understand your feelings about your child borrowing money. My daughter has taken (I can't say borrowed because she never pays it back) a lot of money from me. I try not to let it ruin our relationship, as my kids and grandkids are really all I have, but it has really hindered my healing process. It depresses me, but she's the mother of my two beautiful granddaughters so I won't let it come between us. I believe her spending habits are an illness she can't control. She sees a therapist, but so far he has not helped her.

Dewey is very lucky to have Dayna. My husband died suddenly, but the shock and trauma are still with me. I could never find another man like him, and will not look for one. He was my one and only. How about you? Do you think at some point you'll find a new love?

I think you're right about reaching a point where all the memories are what we have to keep going. I'm struggling to reach the point where the memories are enough, but they still fill me with longing for what was. I was always thankful for all the wonderful times I had with my husband and family. I always knew they would come to an end when we grew old, but never so suddenly while we were still so healthy and vibrant. My family and I still travel together at times, but it is definitely not the same.

I live in a fairly large home and have thought of downsizing, but my husband loved this place. There are a lot of good memories here. Sometimes I think it would help to move to a new place not so full of memories, but I also have a lot of stuff and need to slowly start decluttering ( mostly stuff that accumulated in our storage rooms in the basement), but my energy level has to increase before I tackle that. I need to do it even if I never move, and have started several times, but so much of the stuff holds a memory, so I have to stop. I haven't tried for awhile because I've been so down, but maybe spring will refresh me.

Have a good weekend!

Linda

Linda, I hope your weekend was a good one,

I can't believe how quickly the days fly by. I guess I should be grateful for that. I can remember when Morey was sick, how the days felt like they were never-ending.

We also had a large home but thankfully sold it and started downsizing as the children were moving out on their own. I still have lots of "stuff" in the closets and could start a store with all the knick-knacks and what not's all over. If something were to happen to me my poor kids would have to deal with all the furniture and stuff. Boy, that would be a great way to punish them, wouldn't it!

I love my "stuff!" As you said, it's so full of memories!

I could NEVER do what Dayna did. As I live alone more and more I realize how much I love my "space" and freedom. I don't know if I could give it up for anyone!

I married and became a mother when I was still a teenager so having some alone time, although it can be frightening at times, is very prized for me!

I'm not sure I leave myself vulnerable enough for anyone to come into my life, at this time. I think I scare people away!

Roz