I walked in the door this morning and for a moment I expected he would be there... then reality set in and i realized he will never be there again.

I just haven't been able to wrap my mind around never seeing him again and when I try to it becomes way too much to comprehend or accept.

I know alot of the denial comes in from the fact I never was able to see the body when he passed...He was out of state at the time and his parents chose to have him cremated before being sent back home due to expense.

He was here one minute and gone the next without warning or goodbye...I wasn't able to see him or touch him or be there to comfort him and the next moment i'm being handed a box with partial cremains...All that was left from a life now shattered.

I don't blame his parents and I respect that was what they chose to do for their own personal reasons but it did take away the closure and acceptance that seeing the body and saying goodbye for the last time gives.

I miss him every second of every day and the tears don't ever seem to dry up...I get up every day and do what i need to do to pay the bills and care for our dogs but I walk around in a state of fog and numbness to just get through the day.

I stay at home mostly when i'm not at work because i long to be somewhere i can still feel some sense of him and hope to see some sign of him come through.

I go to sleep early in the hopes to finaly have some glimpse of him a dream that never comes and I seek out understanding in reading near death experiences to have some kind of understanding of what he might have felt.

I don't know how or when it happend in my life that I became that someone who needed another so much...I've always supported myself and been an independant woman but I let him in my heart and now i'm only left being half of who I used to be.

Reading the stories here does help in the sense of sharing a common thread of loss and understanding but it's all the space and time thats left where your person once filled that overshadows it with despair.

Thank you for giving me a place to come and release some of it....My thoughts and prayers are being sent to each and every one of you who share this common thread and journey....I wish for you all to find peace and comfort as you walk through the stages of your pain.

Stay safe,

              Jackie