I felt the same way at 10 days Rick. I just wanted to curl up and die. The loneliness is unbearable. You are still in shock. I’m sure you feel raw. It is so hard to want to do anything. I am still that way a lot of the time, but it does get a bit better. I can go a whole day without crying. I still find it hard to believe that he is gone.

I have his ashes and a photo of him that I talk to everyday. It gives me comfort to have his ashes with me. I go to a grief share group every Saturday morning and church on Sunday. Those things and this web site have helped me tremendously. My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for the pain and loss you feel. We are all in the same boat. Just remember that one day you will see your sweetheart again. We must hold on and do what we can to enjoy life till then. God doesn’t want us to waste our life and our spouses wouldn't either. Hugs....Linda

When you love someone for that long and with that intensity, part of you dies with them. That is why you feel like death. You really don't quite know where your soul ends and theirs begins. You will move past the bitter sorrow, but it will take time. In the meantime you endure it and plead with God to comfort you. He will do it. He will wrap His arms around you and get you through it. Little by little, your years together will become a source of great comfort and sweetness as you get farther from the hurt. Slowly you will find that you are still alive, but like I said, it takes time. I will be praying for you and asking God to give you comfort.

I ran. Right after he died. Three days later I was on an airplane heading to a different province. I walked in the woods, I went for boat rides, I got hugs from my family. I just went on a little escape. I think it actually helped me a tiny teeny bit. I had to face it all when I came home only a week later but I had a little break from reality and it got me one week farther in this heartbreaking journey.

Some food for thought (not written by me)
https://www.dailystrength.org/journals/with-or-without-you

I'm not confident I can either, nor do I want to. Yet somehow for some reason here I am making it day by day, sometimes minute by minute and it's been over a month for me. Life sucks and it's not fair, but we go on because, if anything, it's what our spouses would have wanted.

You DO want to run away. I moved, even though it was only a fourth of a mile up the street. I suppose it has helped a little, but it is still only a band-aid. Admittedly, it has kept me busy, and that helps pass the time. I guess it makes us feel better marking off the days of survival. We all seem to do it. You know, we "get through" another day, another week, another month. At the same time, we are aging (and missing out on many things in life). I wish I did know what my spouse would have wanted for me. He did want me to stay in this area, but did he realize how lonely it would be here without family? And must I still obey him? I feel like an inch worm as far as moving forward, yet I hope I can and will. I try to accomplish some little something each day, but if I don't, I try to not beat myself up too badly. I told him he could remarry because I knew he would, but he didn't express an opinion concerning me. I certainly don't have anyone waiting in the wings.

Yes you do feel like an inch worm moving ever so slowly. My friend tells me be kind to yourself. I try but the waves of grief can be so overwhelming at times it is hard to think. Prayers for all of us as we try to figure out how to live this new reality.