I feel exactly like you do.
My life was kinda on hold as it was, as I awaited my husband to retire, and we could play. I didn't want to get involved in anything yet, as I knew he'd want me all to himself.
I'm still in that "hold" pattern.
I walk my dogs, see family, have people over for elaborate home cooked dinners. I even relish a big messy kitchen to clean up so I'll have something I have to do.
It's been 4 months so I'm giving myself time.
I want to be able to feel passionate about something- I used to volunteer a dog shelters for 15 years and was a professional dog trainer- but that has no appeal for me now. I enjoy hanging with my own 4 rescues, but that's about it.
I look forward to seeing others' responses, because for now, I feel just like you do! Sorry I'm not of much help, other than appreciating what you're going through, and offering hugs and sympathy.

I think the more time I spend doing something productive, the less time I have to dwell on things. At this point I got most of the 24 hours covered. I also did not feel the passion in just doing the same thing every day and it was easy to hire an office manager to do most of what I do within my business. That was when I headed to law school. I really didn't need to bite off anything else in my life but why not have a goal and see if it can become a reality.

Maggie

Being retired, I find it hard to keep busy. I know that I really need to find a "passion".....something I can get so involved in that I forget the day, time, etc. It used to be reading, but I still can't really get into that either. Sometimes I get so very depressed that I am ready to join my husband, and then I try to bring myself out of it. This is really hard! Darlene

Mary . . this is indeed a conundrum for many of us. To stay busy or not? I think it's about finding the happy medium. We do need "outlets" or time outs, but we also need to take the time to feel our aloneness and process our grief. If we stay too busy, grief can be prolonged, as it is still there under the surface waiting to be dealt with. Trust, it will need to be dealt with and can't be swept under a busy carpet.

In the beginning for me, it was very necessary to stay busy on most days. I'd make a list of all the things that needed to be done, or I'd just look around and see all the things that needed to be tended to. Then I went through a phase of "I don't want to do anything" but maybe sleep and isolate. At 14 months for me now . . I'm trying to find the happy medium . . not pushing self too hard to accomplish, yet meeting some of my daily goals (busy-ness). I have taken time to grieve, sometimes days or weeks on end in the past. The grief monster is easing up some . . but I know I still have a ways to go to get back to a full "passionate" life.

Day by day . . Hugs, D

P.S. Yes, three steps back is quite the norm also . . . just try to keep it moving with the baby step momentum forward. Eventually we will tackle this life hurdle!

Mary, the lack of passion in activities we used to find passion in is a common theme among widows/widowers. It's normal. It sucks, but it's normal. And I'm not speaking off the top of my head - this is from listening to, talking to, reading about many who have felt this way. Marsha (who still feels this way sometimes)

It's been 10 months for me since my husband died suddenly and unexpectedly. I am retired and I find it helps if I have something to do each day to get out of the house. I joined a gym and take classes there, I'm in the process of volunteering, looking for a part time job, belong to a wonderful, small church....but I still find the loneliness overwhelming. My husband's family doesn't really bother with me, my three sisters are supportive, but don't live nearby and have their own lives, my daughter and son-in-law became estranged almost 4 years ago, and my son has a good heart but is dealing with a lot of his own problems. I have only one grandchild and he is 13 so it's a little hard to connect with him much. I don't have any really good friends, and I do go out and do things by myself....but I still find it so very hard and lonely, and feel like I'm just going through the motions.

Dear Mary, my experience is that time does heal. So finding things to do is OK. However, whenever grief comes my way, I don't avoid it. I have fully experienced all emotions---sadness, fearfulness, loneliness, etc---and I am still having them. Sometimes, even if I think I am doing something else that distracts grief but in fact I am grieving. For example, I don't normally feel sad when I read grief books. But that is grieving too. The bottom line is to find something to do but embrace emotions whenever they come. Hope this helps. Tiger

I really was the queen of busy. I was or am one of those hyper people..always on the go and after my husband passed I jumped back into my life with a fierceness that I didn't understand. In a way I tried to fool myself like nothing happened including my husbands passing. The deep down passion I had though was gone and I didn't even notice...I was "busy" I don't care for the time heals thing but it does and surrounding myself with others that understand has really helped me. When I read others sharing about finding the new you I didn't like that either because it made me feel like I was erasing the old us. There really is a new us though I am finally coming to terms with that. It really was impossible for me to stay the same since the "me" that was part of a team was now alone. I am at 30 months and have not found my new passion yet but I am very hopeful that I will. In a few months I will be starting a new journey in my work life...I haven't a clue what I will be doing with my extra time and that in itself is a big change in me.I will admit I am a little scared yet I truly have a confidence that it will be ok. A new passion will find me and I will just have to be patient. I wasn't looking to get married when I met my husband....I wasn't looking for a career when I started my job yet both of those things gave me passions that I didn't have a clue that I had. I know its frustrating...scary and downright painful as we stumble forward in our personal journeys but others have made it and we will too!! Sending everyone hugs and hopefully a small spark for our futures.

At 15 months in a few days. A week after my husband passed, I knew for myself I had to get involved and out of the house. No family nearby, so I went back to volunteering, taking classes, etc. I was also "busy, busy." A counselor at the support group labeled it 'avoidance.' He said okay for now, but eventually will have to deal and come to terms with it. No matter how many people surround me, I still have the feeling of being alone in the world.

I feel that for me the answer to filling the time well is to create something. I work on weekends in a bakery and the act of taking raw ingredients and ending up with a beautifully decorated cake is really soothing and satisfying. It's not an escape from my grief or my reality, but it's a time span in which I have something positive to show for my efforts.

It sounds like your big home cooked meals are filling this purpose for you, and maybe there are other ways to extend that creativity into other areas. Again, not to escape but to turn the passage of time into something tangible that you made.

Correction -- It's kkg17 who's doing big home cooked meals to pass the time. I'm sorry I misread. But the suggestion remains the same -- I think it helps to do something creative and have tangible results at the end of the day. It brings meaning and purpose and gets me outside of my head and my sadness.

I'm still working a full time job. It keeps me very busy during the day and when I get home......I either have to do the food shopping, sort through the mail, catch-up on household chores, take care of my clothes for the week of work, etc.

Right after Morey passed I was doing so much insurance, real estate and the "stuff" that you have to do to become one in a world of pairs, I was more than busy.

I'm scared to quit working because I don't want to be idle. And, I can still travel with all my vacation time while I'm working.

I have a lot of thinking about my future to do!

Roz