Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
I am new to this forum. My husband died right before Thanksgiving 2019. At first I was so very sad and missed him terribly. He was sick for several years before he died, and we had been expecting his death for about a year. He lived longer than his docs expected, and was pretty active right to the end. Those few extra years gave us some good memories together, but his illness also affected his mental status, so there are a lot of very painful memories for me as well. He would frequently experience personality changes due to toxins in his brain, and when that happened he could be cruel and hateful to me. I never quite knew which version of him to expect, and it is very difficult to forget the things he said, even though I try not to dwell on them.
So while I am sad and miss him, I am also angry and find myself reflecting on the bad stuff and wondering if he really meant those things. His friends, many of whom go back over 50 years, have all written of how very much he loved me and how much I changed him and his life for the better when we met. (We were only married 20 years.) But then I think about the things he said in the last year...
We had all of the estate stuff all set so that has not been hard, and I am prepared to move on in my life alone. I was single and self-supporting when I met him, so I am not worried about doing that again. But is it disloyal to want to sell the house we shared and move on alone in a different city that is closer to my friends and family? We only lived here because of his job, and stayed after retirement to be closer to his kids who treat me with indifference.
I've read that you shouldn't make any big decisions for a year after your spouse dies, but I've had several YEARS to think about what I want to do. It's not like his death was sudden or unexpected. Is it wrong to want to start fresh in a new place? I will always carry him in my heart, and I hope that, with time, I will be able to let go of the bad stuff and just focus on the happy memories. I'm just not sure I can do that while living in the house where much of the bad stuff happened.
Has anyone experienced this? Any words of wisdom?
In your situation, with no support system where you are, it would make sense to move. The one thing I would caution you about it to be careful financially. Your head is not going to be clear for awhile, so don't rush anything.
Do you have photos of the good times in the house? Cards or letters with loving thoughts he gave you? It might ease your pain to look at those and remember the good times and the loving thoughts he had for you.
Hang in there.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
When death is unexpected, when people have no warning, when you're in the depths of despair, it's wise to avoid moving, (or ruling it out) selling everything that belonged to the beloved, or hoarding it. You've given this thought. You've had time. You've been through anticipatory loss.
Why not be where you can get some emotional support, especially if you can continue to work? I don't know what the real estate market is where you are. You have a better idea of how long it will be on the market. (Having sold only one house...we'd have had a l-o-n-g time to make a final decision) Or rent it (just throwing out ideas).
I'm in the opposite situation. I like the town, but my house is two big for one person, and I should (will have to, someday) downsize.
The only error I made in grief was to start thinking "Late Husband's cousin ought to have this, sister in law ought to have that" I never got around to sending those things off, though. You know what? When Husband died, that stuff became mine. I don't have to re-distribute potential collector's items or that vase that his mom gave me.
I will always remember the people that stepped up and helped. I had sone unexpected heroes. I will always remember the ones that did NOT, too. I was just as surprised by who let me down completely, too.
There's an old saying around here that "grief rewrites your address book," and that was part of what rewrote mine.
Love and Hugs,
Martha
Maine Liebe, your story was particularly moving, especially with your husband and father dying so closely together. I lost my beloved father almost three years to the day before my husband, and I still grieve for my parents along with my husband.
As I have been going through things deciding what to keep or not, I have found so many letters, book inscriptions he wrote to me, etc., and they make me smile, cry and miss him.
Since it will take a while to go through my whole house disposing of things, whether I stay or go, I think I’ll be here for a while yet. I plan to redecorate and refresh the house, so we’ll see how I feel when that is done. If I still want to move, I’ll move. In the meantime I have a wonderful support network where I am, as well as in the cities where I would consider moving.
Every day I look around and remind myself that, yes, all of this needs to be done, but it does not need to be done TODAY. I feel a lot less overwhelmed that way.
I lost my husband just a week ago and many years were not so happy for us (me) I realize now that how he felt did affect his mood and reaction toward me. I am ashamed to say some anger and resentment did surface on my side.
I don't think he did mean those hurtful things he said-- remember his mind was affected by then. Those pictures and mementos and the memories they brought back are what to hang on to. (While gathering pix for a collage to place by his urn I did also come across many good memories.)
As far as moving closer to your family and friends-- I am considering doing the same thing. We have done what we could and were there for our husbands. They are gone now and it is for us to begin a new chapter in our lives. If there is little to hold us where we are currently, I think we should do what we chose ( and what is best for us)
Hugs, Kim
Of course anger is a normal emotion during grief! Grief has many faces and not one is any less normal than the other.
My husband died suddenly day after Thanksgiving 2014. I was devastated. I was at work and came home to find him dead. Shock and confusion took over big time! I was derailed! I remember being on the phone with 911 walking around the house not knowing what to do with myself walking back and forth in front of my house back in the house sitting next to my husband asking him what happened...like he could hear me..meh was dead! It was horrible!!! Saying on the phone "how can this be....I can't believe this is happening!!"
That day was the beginning of my nightmare and for a long time I couldn't wake up! And thats what I would say to people when they would ask how I was. In a nightmare and can't wake up!
I only took two weeks out of work. I needed to get back to somewhat of a routine with fear that if I didn't depression would set in. It helped me to be busy every day! Plus, I didn't have the all the memories of my husband at work. So it helped me to be there.
But I have to say that I cried all the time...Upon wakening in the morning to not see him next to me, on my way to work, on the way home knowing Ray wasn't going to be home when I got there, during meals,, oh we loved sharing meal times...he cooked every night (semi-retired) and meals were ready when I got home!
We built this house together in 2009/2010.. A lot of blood, sweat and tears literally and prayers!!! So there are a lot of memories here mostly good!
Going to bed at night was the worst time. I never cried so hard in my life! The pain in my heart was torture wondering how long I'd have to endure this.
I lost my twin sister in 1997 and a piece of me died...but losing my husband was so traumatic. I used to say I wanted to die and I did. I didn't want to live. I wouldn't take my own life but I surely didn't want to feel the horrific pain!!!
I joined a Grief Share Support group (these are held across the country) and met a lot of grieving people and it helped to listen to their stories and for me to share mine.
I have a dear friend that also lost her husband suddenly...six days after my husband died. We have been a blessing for each other and we talk about our husbands all the time...our lives, good memories, our tears, etc etc. We each understand bc we had caring loving husbands strong marriages. And we had ups and downs what marriage doesn't? We communicatedthat was the key.
I live in a great neighborhood" friendly, everyone helps everyone and many have been and are there for me when I need them. I've made so many banana breads and muffins soups, applesauce for those that help me with snow removal as they refuse my money, what's one to do? :-)
I have no plans to move from here unless it's necessary. This is my home. Almost 20 years living in Maine. I love it here.
This past March I left my full time job and grateful I could financially afford to. I was finally strong enough emotionally. I needed the rest and time to focus on myself, see my family (siblings that live 2 hours away so I take minnie getaways to visit them and it does me good!) I have no children.
Needed to focus on my home...ie. Mowing, shoveling....you know, all that a home requires for upkeep. I am now handling it on my own. Ray maintained our home mostly on the outside but for the last 4 year's of his life he also did inside. I handled the finances and we shared all the chores. We did everything together and I miss our special projects. Now I do it all. Its a lot.
We were looking forward to retiring together so we could spend quality time doing things at
home and taking day trips up the Maine coast that we hadn't had time to see. I still plan on doing this.
I now have a part time job 2 days a week 10 hours total....working in a natural health food store. Right up my alley. It's important to take care our body esp during the stressful days of grieving and overall. It gets me out and I am meeting some pretty neat people.
I feel like I'm coming back to life, although I am not the same person. My life is changed forever. But I see the light at the end of this tunnel and God is giving me back joy and hope. There is always hope. Don't give up believing that!!!
One day at a time. Allow yourself to feel the pain as stuffing it will only delay the healing. .God bless.
P.s. Even though i have given away some of Rays things to family and friends, I still have some things in the closet and in his dresser. It will all happen when it happens. There's no time limit. That gives me peace to think in those terms.
Take care.