You are seeing an improvement! When you feel yourself sliding back, stop...cry....let those emotions out...then pick yourself back up, remind yourself of how lucky you were to love and be loved as you were and take that next step forward however shaky it may be! I know how much you love your husband but, that was that life. This is this life. He lived his lifetime out with you. Now this is your lifetime to live out and find your way on this new path.
From my experience, there are not a lot of people in general who hang out with the opposite sex and remain completely platonic friends. If you like that person...usually feelings of endearment creep in. It's only natural and completely human. Unfortunately many a friendships like that are marred by a single weak moment like a kiss that kind of changes the whole dynamics of the relationship forever. Once there is affection from one party and not the other....it may be ignored but not forgotten or forgiven.
And yes....every relationship should feel different! It's certainly not settling for less either! If you don't have that intense love....its most likely because a romantic union with that person just isn't meant to be. I'm not an expert but I do believe that any relationship that leads to a deep affection starts with being friends first....taking the time to really get to know the person and all sides of them. Everyone says to wait a year before you date or whatever..... I didn't but I will never forget this advice that was given here a while back....when you start to see someone in a relationship type commitment, try to go through four seasons with them before making any long term plans, yes it adds up to a year but just think about that...four seasons....by that time you'll probably have seen all sides of them, good, bad, thick and thin!
As far as the thought of physical interaction someday giving you a panic attack, I totally understand that too and couldn't even ever imagine that intimacy with anyone else. But, when the right person comes along you'll feel it in your heart and all those worries will just wash away and you won't give it a second thought because that is the person that you're supposed to be with in this life. You won't compare them to your first love and you will cherish that person for who they are! You will see them as a new chapter in your life full of excitement, love and comfort! You really can love again and it feels so good!
I think a lot of women, myself included might prefer the platonic company of a man over our girlfriends at this time because they provide us with something that we are missing, that male presence, strength and security and that's OK. I think that's why we lean towards those types of friendships especially at first. Always be honest and upfront though in any type of relationship so that the other person knows exactly where you're coming from. They need to know your mind set. Oh...and guilt will rear its ugly head too but remember, you are doing nothing wrong but following your heart!
Now the big question of what if you fall in love again and he actually gets sick and heaven forbid dies. Well, as I wouldn't have given up the relationship with my husband had I known the outcome, the same goes for my present relationship. Yes it's a scary thought but I sure wouldn't miss the joy of the time we are having together because I'm afraid of death. F death!!! I went through it once and survived. If I have to do it again although it will break my heart all over once more, I will because I wouldn't miss the joy of today! To be lucky enough to get a second chance at love is too good to pass up. We only live once and when you have a chance to grab that golden ring not only once but twice....all the other pain falls by the wayside because that golden glow is what life is all about! Life truly is for the living so don't sit there and wait to die…live it!!!!
I hope all of this rambling helped just a little! I just get so excited about life even though it has given me so many blows, but I just keep getting up, looking it right in the face and saying....lets go! Bring it on!!!
Warm hugs to you and keep your head up, you're doing a fine job and you will be OK!
Darcie

Thank you so much Darcie xo It means so much to hear some positive encouragement, I sincerely appreciate your outlook on life - it gives me hope <3

Oh you are quite welcome! My pleasure! There is always hope… Don't ever forget that! Always!
:)
D

if you want love.. and most of us do .. we have to put our hearts on the line.. and take all the risk all over again.. just be honest about how you feel about your late... with yourself and your friends. life is different now,, we are not teenagers

The "friend" should not have said that to you if you gave him no indication that you're interested in HIM. 11 weeks? It's just more stress to deal with. And I'm sure that's not why you're hanging out with him- for more stress! You just want company, comfort like you said, and the association with your partner. I was the same way. I hung with male friends early on and still do. Mainly cause I have no great female friends though I would love to. My mother and sister-in-law I'm estranged from (stopped talking with me after the funeral,etc) and that hurt tremendously. So I went to what was left. Bless you...
Acts 2:38

Don't think of the hypotheticals if you don't have to. You have enough coulda woulda shouldas to worry about, Now you are going to add what if's. Isn't that a little too ambitious?

It's more him than you. But that's probably why he agreed to hang out in the first place.

I believe it is normal and understandable to gravitate toward those platonic friendships with the opposite gender. Right now I have maybe two female "best friends.". At this point (11 months), I don't feel I can totally confide in these two girlfriends. Does anyone feel there is a stigma attached to being a widow or widower? That you are in a class all your own? I'm trying to get past that, since I am definitely not here by choice. Some people will avoid you as if you have leprosy. My late husband would call me from work at 10 A.M. every morning to just touch base. I so miss that connection! Someone implied a few days ago that if you've lost more than one spouse, you are high risk. Whatever...that's a guilt trip. I don't know which way to turn sometimes...who to trust...I still feel vulnerable and maybe don't even trust myself completely. How do you know if you are on the same page as the other person? How do you guard your heart? I have panic attacks fairly often. One moment you think you are ready to move forward, and the next moment you are shaking in your boots. I guess it is good to take baby steps rather than huge strides. Otherwise, you may find yourself pedaling backward. Do something constructive each day, be gentle with yourself, and give it time. Friendships may or may not lead to something more, so it is good to be upfront.

There is a rampant myth that widows are easy and desperate. Guys come out of the woodwork to take advantage of our loneliness. I had some of the most incredible and creepy things said and offered to me! And I'm no beautiful spring chicken either! You need to back off and see friends in groups. It's too soon for you to tackle hanging out with another guy and expecting him to just be friends.

The other mistake we often make is wanting everything to be comfortable and easy like it was with our spouses. The world is not like that. You have to realize that you are now back into the "single" category again, and you will be judged available if you try to be too relaxed with this guy.

It sucks. I know that. Been there and done that. But you need some space on your own, and you need to be careful around men who may misunderstand where you are coming from. If you want male company, try to stick to daytime activities or in groups.

I am all for new love and such - I remarried after 3 years - but it's way too soon for you. You haven't found your own feet yet.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

Thanks all for the comments. I really appreciate getting so many points of views and things for me to think about - I guess I was being naive. I do not want more stress, I do want to find my own way so I will stick with my girlfriends and continue to look for other ways to fill the void, that hole in my heart, that constant ache and feeling of emptiness. I won't give up.

I'm gonna get smacked for saying this (and deservedly so).

Just to draw a picture. Not all men are wolves ready to pounce on Lil' Red Hood. You just happen to run into an impatient one. But chances are better to get a guy to go to a place that he enjoys (which may be a complete waste of time for you). So context matters.

Hope at least you get a smile out of it.

Thanks raininseattle - I did smile :)