Widows & Widowers Support Group

This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.

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andrealambert 10/23/2015

Hi,
I'm new to Daily Strength, or rather back after a 6 year hiatus.

I lost my wife to suicide three years ago this month. I am still deeply grieving her.

A week ago I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years who I in retrospect probably dated him too early, but it was good for a while and helped distract me until he got emotionally abusive and stole a bottle of my Klonopin and I had to get out.

One of the things I said to him when I was breaking up with him, which was mostly over my unwillingness to cohabitant with or marry him, is "I'm a widow, I need to be alone with my grief."

Since I broke up with my ex I have been grieving my wife's death all the more, thus joining this support group. I am so glad to find it.

I know some people go on to get date and get married after being widowed, but it is far too soon for me. At this point I never want to marry anyone again, especially after reading all of the harrowing posts in the divorce and breakups board. I kew my ex and I would have gotten a divorce if we got married so I just got out.

I imagine I will date casually in the future, but marriage I cannot do. How has it been for you finding your feet romantically after the death of your spouse, or have any of you dated again? I feel like I dove into it too soon because I wanted an escape.

cliffskat 10/23/2015

I think it's not unusual to have a "rebound" type of relationship, I have seen it quite often. It usually doesn't turn out well - sometimes it does, but often doesn't. If it's after a divorce/break-up, a rebound relationship can, in a way, be reaffirming and encouraging. However, if it's too soon after a bereavement, it can be twice as painful and DIScouraging. That's one of the many reasons the standard advice is to wait at least a year before you embark on anything major.

It didn't take me a year to realize I had fallen in love again, but we waited a year to make our feelings known to each other, and it was a few additional months before we began our romantic relationship - we had been friends and penpals. Eventually we married - we were both about 3 years out from our losses when we finally married. We recently had our 5th anniversary. (I am married to a widower I met here - Acuriousfish/Mark - I think you are acquainted with him from the Bipolar board where he is a CL.)

Anyway, it is possible to go forward and into another relationship for some of us. It is quite hard to even contemplate early on. It sounds to me like you need some time on your own to work through both of your losses now. It is especially hard when a loss is via suicide, and I am glad you also found the Family & Friends Affected by Suicide board.

I am sorry you have had such a rough time and for your losses. I hope being here helps you rebuild and comforts you. Many things are possible, and I can tell you that I am glad I did not give up - I know now I would have missed so very much. It was worth it - the hard work of grieving and adjusting and growing - it was worth it to keep trying.

Hope this helps....

Love and Hugs,
Martha

cgriff4ever 10/23/2015

I am so sorry for your loss of not only your loved one, but your new loss... Its got to be so hard on you. Can't imagine. Im only 9 months out, and I feel as though I'll never be with anyone ever again. Thank yo u for sharing openly and honestly. big hugs carla

andrealambert 10/23/2015

Thank you so much for your kind words Martha and Carla.

I think this relationship as well as the other three lesser ones that happened in the interrupt were all rebound relationships and i am still unprepared to take up dating again. I just don't feel like I can handle it.

Plus, i can't commit to any of the things most serious monogamous in love partners want, so I am terminally unavailable.

Your story is inspiring, cliffskat. I'm so glad you were able to find love again. I agree it's best to take it slow after being widowed. I think I am going to sit out of the dating pond for a while. I need to grieve for my wife more.

Shrn 10/25/2015

I think your decision to sit out on the dating aspect is a wise one. Like Martha, I am remarried to a widower, but not from this site. I was very apprehended of dating and spent the first almost 3 years alone. It was time we'll spent. Our time limits vary, but we do need time to process the loss of so much.

My first encounter was with a brother of a classmate and a great friends grew that lasted almost a year before I met the man I fell in love with. Sharon

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