There is no one answer for this. There are only possibilities. Yes, I do think it is fair to try to date again. And yes, it is okay for relationships to fail, It happens. Does grief complicate things? Sure, but it doesn't make things impossible. The thing that I think is necessary is for you to fully integrate your loss and what it means to you in your life. Once you do that it becomes clearer on how to move forward and how you want to move forward.

I will always love J.R., Pat gets that and is okay with it. Because he knows I will always love him as well and I plan on building my future with him. But my future means integrating my past, it doesn't exist separate and apart. Pat's doesn't either. You just have to be real clear and really clear in your communication.

Hope this helps,
Val

I agree with Val - there is no set answer for this, it depends on a lot of different things. Basically, in my opinion, it is fair to date again provided that you understand that:

(1) a new person will not erase the pain of your loss;

(2) a new person is not a replacement for the lost one;

(3) a new love has to be loved for who they are as a person, not measured against the yardstick of the one you lost.

I think you started dating too soon for you - 6 months can be long enough for some folks, but I don't think that for you personally and given the way your wife died that 6 months time was adequate to heal to the point of being able to make healthy choices about your relationships. If I have understood your other posts correctly, those 6 months were also during your early sobriety, too, right? You were having a lot of adjustments and changes during that time, and my guess is that because of everything else involved, that you weren't ready.

Some people are ready and able at 6 months. Some not even at 6 years. There are commonalities for all of us regardless of who we are and how our loved ones died, but there are also extenuating factors, too. It's sort of like comparing natural disasters; i.e., an earthquake and a hurricane can both do a lot of damage, but the damages may be different, and the rebuilding from each might be handled differently.

Your ex is probably angry and trying to get the last word in and make you feel badly. Some of that anger may be more deserved for himself and he may be trying to deflect it back to you rather than face his contributions to the failure of the relationship. Personally, I don't think it was fair on his side of it to start a relationship with you when you were so new to your loss and your sobriety. I don't think the mistakes were all on your side. Sheer common sense should have told HIM to wait. But that's just my spin on it, what the heck do I know......

I think you are grappling with more than enough guilt already; don't take on what he is trying to hand over to you.

In recovery, they teach that if you relapse that you pick up right where you left off - you don't get to start from the beginning again. If you drank a quart of vodka a night when you went sober, then that's the kind of drinking addiction you go back to. The disease progresses whether you were sober for years or a night, which is why you have to stay away from it permanently. Contrary to that, the pain of your loss may have been tucked away for the last couple of years, and now that it's got its own importance in your self-view, it will have to be picked up pretty much as though it were new.

I don't envy you the self-work you have in front of you. I want you to know as clearly as possible that you CAN do this. You CAN heal from your loss, you CAN be healthy and even happy again. You CAN have a healthy relationship in the future. It is going to be hard work, but it will be worth every bit of it. Honest.

In a way, it's not waiting - it's working towards being healthy enough to make those decisions (date or not date, etc.). Like every other journey, there will be points along the way where you will need to stop and rest. That's fine, that's healthy. You need that. You will also need to get back up and keep going, too. Some days that will be easy, some days it will be hard. You will find your balance gain. Don't give up.

Love and Hugs,
Martha

It will be 3 years in December and last year I tried to date ...the first guy couldn't of been more wrong for me and me for him...I was not ready to date and I know that now...but then I thought I was loosing my mind..I tried a few here and there and just when I was going to forget about it ..I have found a really really amazing man. He does not replace my husband and he respects the fact that a part of me will always love my Jim. It's amazing what a difference this past year has made. The appreciation we have for each other is amazing tho we both laid our BS on the table and made a pact not to give it to each other...be as free from BS drama as possible.. yet when we are hurting we need to turn to each other and be there for each other...you will know when you find the right partner if there is to be another for you...sending hugs

I have not tried dating again. I am so not ready. I do agree with all posts... There is no set time, don't try hard to find that perfect person because there isn't one. Our loved ones are gone and that makes being widows/widowers part of who we are now so for me that has to be known in any further relationship. I will always honor my husband and my children are my life. IF there is to be another for me then that person must understand those two things. I will not put up with BS and game playing. No time for drama. Life is to precious. I don't like living alone but at this point I know a new person would be compared to my lost loved one and that's not fair to anyone. Just my two cents

It's almost 4 years since my husband died. I dated and I had two relationship that didn't work out. They both felt that they were competing with my husband for my love. That's one of the things about dating a widow / widower. If someone can't be supportive and understanding about it then let them go. It's not a good relationship.
One of my fears is falling in love and losing the person. Although I have taken a chance and let my guard down so that I know I lived my life to the fullest without any regrets.

Antonella

I can only answer for myself: "I am too friggin old and tired to date again"
I mean who would ever want to go to bed with a lady who nudges them all night long and repeatedly asks "Are you still alive?".
Somebody please laugh at me. That's how I imagine ever trying to adjust to another husband!
It doesn't sound Fun.

I'm widowed almost nine years. I dated a bit at 16 months. I then entered into a 5 1/2 year relationship which ended last summer. I'm still sad at that, though we remain on friendly terms. He's a snowbird so he will be returning here soon and I'd be untruthful if i said I don't care to see him.
I have had a few lunch dates and found them to be fun.
I'm getting to my point now. I'm enjoying not being in a relationship. . There were times I found it to be work. There again i'm no spring chicken.
If you need a break , take it. It will do you good to sort out your feelings and it will be a chance to reminisce and grieve. Good Luck. Enjoy your quiet time. Hugs, Dolores

Oh, AfterMom, I genuinely laughed out loud when I read what you said. I rarely laugh out loud, especially these days. And then when you said please someone laugh at me, I really got a kick out of that! Thanks so much, it felt good to laugh for just a moment.
Hugs,
Jennifer

erisedx, thanks! That is how I Think of it! Pathetic huh? :-]

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies everyone, that was very helpful.

Martha, I think you're right about my ex saying that to hurt me and that being guilt I don't need to be carrying. I'm really dealing with enough already, as you can tell by how many groups I'm on in DS.

This Widows group is really helping me a lot. I agree, Martha, that I started dating too soon both in my grieving and my sobriety, and he should have known that not I. I guess we both fell in love rather quickly.

I agree with REGWIN that sometimes we can date but it doesn't last, and I think in my case that will be how it is. I just don't want to get married again or live with anyone else at this point in my life, like AfterMom said I too am getting too old for this shit.

After a certain point relationships seem to seem like work, and they are a lot of giving and compromise. I actually enjoy living alone. I like living alone with my cat. I don't feel like i need a man or woman to complete me.

I'm planning on enjoying my quiet time and taking some time for my family and creative projects at this point.

After Mom- You made my day with your remarks, its the first time Ive laughed since 1 month today when she passed. Didnt think I was ready to laugh, but it proved I am still functioning and you know having a laugh is really good for you. As for dating I was 2 years after 2009 when my wife died and I was so lucky by chance to find Erica, within a year I was totally in love with her, now she has gone too. Two weeks before she died she said life has to go on, when your ready i want you to find another but try to make sure shes a good woman. She said your life has to go on, its too short you need to full fill what god has given you.
Its probably a new way of thinking for most and even though I might not go that way as it is far too early, Im so glad she said those words to me.
Peter

I dated too soon. In retrospect I was grabbing at a life preserver, severe panic and anxiety mode. Of course, it didn't go well but at the time there was no way I could have truly evaluated my feelings for what they were. Now, it's time to let go of that regret and be open to new possibilities, I'm somewhere in between right now.

After Mom - You made me laugh too!
Petesa101 - That is one of the things I am afraid of about dating again. A second loss! I don't know if I could go thru that again. You are very strong and have a great outlook. I'm only at 5 months, so not even close to being in a place where I could have a healthy relationship right now, but I don't think I want to be alone for the rest of my life. I guess I will just continue my life and healing and what happens happens.

After mom..Thanx for making me smile about your 'alive" comment.. When my wife couldn't hear me snoring/breathing loudly she would crawl on top of me and put her face inches from mine to hear my breath.. Of course if I knew this I would hold my breath as long as possible..

Well, update if anyone cares: that boyfriend and I got back together this weekend. We're giving it another try.

I presented him with a 24 point list of conditions I needed met if we were to date again and he loved me enough to accept them so I'm trying the dating after being widowed thing again.

I adamantly will not take down the wedding photos of my wife in my living room though. Marriage is forever.