Widows & Widowers Support Group
This community is dedicated to those who have lost a husband, wife, or partner. Anything is open for discussion here, with the hope that we can focus on grief, bereavement, life after loss, and continuing on after a great loss.
9 Months tonight.
I need to write this: I need to confess it: I need to own it.
I was so irritated with Mark for about 2 weeks before he died..... constantly irritated. His fanatical shopping was at a point that I couldn't handle. He was being his usual precise self. Did he really have to study that cream so meticulously? The worst part was the cream was for me. :(
He used to make me a lamb soup/stew for work lunch, especially just for me. A diabetic based meal-in-one that would sustain me. And I had run out. He kept grumbling that he needs to make more. Irritated, I said it can wait till next week. You don't have to do it Now! ( I was really worried that he was so obviously tired and the job of making a batch of stew would exhaust him more). And
I was so impatient. I feel so guilty about it because I think he knew his time was close and wanted to prepare things for me as much as possible. He started training the kids to do certain chores because he knew I would just do them and not ask for help as a way to keep busy.
So many things he did to provide for us. And all I could do was be irritated.
After all, How is soup gonna fix my broken heart. How is clearing the dishwasher going to heal my scarred psyche. Here in the final days of his life he thought of the practical things and I found it irritating. How could I be so insensitive, so stupid. It's the final days of his life and I am wrapped up in being a selfish spoilt brat. Not once did I stop to think how it was for him. What was going through his mind. I just denied it altogether. I did not deserve this man and his love.
I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. How he was more of a mother and a father to me than my own parents because he taught me more about life than they did. He was more of a brother to me than my own brothers because he stayed by my side through some horrendous things in my life. He was more of a friend than the one I thought was but turned out to be fickle. He will never know how sorry I am. How grateful I am. How I long for him. How I love him.
I understand that my irritation has a core trigger. Every step forward I wanted to take was pointless because I had no future with Mark. I knew he wouldn't be there to share it with me. He wasn't supposed to be planning soup or cream. He was supposed to be sharing the rest of my life with me. I didn't want the little things. I want the big one: forever with my Mark. And he couldn't give it to me.
That's all I wanted. I wanted to grow old with him.
I'm irritated with myself. For wanting what I can't have.
I need to write this: I need to confess it: I need to own it.
I was so irritated with Mark for about 2 weeks before he died..... constantly irritated. His fanatical shopping was at a point that I couldn't handle. He was being his usual precise self. Did he really have to study that cream so meticulously? The worst part was the cream was for me. :(
He used to make me a lamb soup/stew for work lunch, especially just for me. A diabetic based meal-in-one that would sustain me. And I had run out. He kept grumbling that he needs to make more. Irritated, I said it can wait till next week. You don't have to do it Now! ( I was really worried that he was so obviously tired and the job of making a batch of stew would exhaust him more). And
I was so impatient. I feel so guilty about it because I think he knew his time was close and wanted to prepare things for me as much as possible. He started training the kids to do certain chores because he knew I would just do them and not ask for help as a way to keep busy.
So many things he did to provide for us. And all I could do was be irritated.
After all, How is soup gonna fix my broken heart. How is clearing the dishwasher going to heal my scarred psyche. Here in the final days of his life he thought of the practical things and I found it irritating. How could I be so insensitive, so stupid. It's the final days of his life and I am wrapped up in being a selfish spoilt brat. Not once did I stop to think how it was for him. What was going through his mind. I just denied it altogether. I did not deserve this man and his love.
I wish I could tell him how much I miss him. How he was more of a mother and a father to me than my own parents because he taught me more about life than they did. He was more of a brother to me than my own brothers because he stayed by my side through some horrendous things in my life. He was more of a friend than the one I thought was but turned out to be fickle. He will never know how sorry I am. How grateful I am. How I long for him. How I love him.
I understand that my irritation has a core trigger. Every step forward I wanted to take was pointless because I had no future with Mark. I knew he wouldn't be there to share it with me. He wasn't supposed to be planning soup or cream. He was supposed to be sharing the rest of my life with me. I didn't want the little things. I want the big one: forever with my Mark. And he couldn't give it to me.
That's all I wanted. I wanted to grow old with him.
I'm irritated with myself. For wanting what I can't have.
As far as your feeling guilt for being a spoiled brat as you say....well dear....that's just something that you'll have to come to terms with eventually. We all go through that feeling....it's okay. Maybe you tried to ignore the the truth that you knew was coming? Maybe you didn't want his time spent on creams or stew.....you wanted it to be with you. And you were mad. Mad because you knew what was happening. I think you might have been more mad at the future than at Mark. He was just the one there to get the fall out. I'm sure he understood and he knew how much you loved him.
He will always be with you to guide and protect you. Talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Heck....tell him you're sorry if that will help. Say it, write it, yell it out load....just get it out to him. Cleanse yourself by expressing your sorrow, regret and pain. By writing here what you did is a great start. We all have to let it out and let it go before we can even think about moving forward and on with our lives. Mark will always be an important part of you. If anything, the loss that we experience in many cases eventually makes us a more compassionate and understanding person. Hopefully you'll remember that and apply it in life when you may feel a bit selfish.
My wish for you is to forgive yourself and free yourself from the guilt. Mark understands. Now it's your turn....
Strength and a big warm hug to comfort you....
Darcie
Anger is part of this loss. We are angry at them, angry at ourselves, and angry at every lost moment we had stolen from us. I found writing my feelings helped me to understand what and why I felt the way I did. And sharing them here helped me and others who feel the same. Sharon
Forgive him, as knowing it is not his choice... you can clearly see that he is just as annoyed that he can't be around with you much more, as he is doing his darnest to take care of you. Forgive yourself, as you do not deserve this turn of fate, and there is nothing more you can do to change this outcome. Everyone comes with an expiry date; it is just not listed on the package...
We had left the VA hospital and the veterans house where we had been staying during his treatments. We were driving home in a terrible snow storm. I was already irritated and scared to be out in that storm but he wanted to get home. He would not wait for the next day. So as we traveled he opened his window a little and lit a cigarette. The snow and cold were coming in. He closed the window but left the cigarette burning. Now he had two different cancers and one was throat. So needless to say I hated cigarettes. I am not a smoker and find it objectionable plus closed up with it I tend to have breathing problems. But did I leave him in peace and allow him the one thing he really enjoyed? Oh heck no, I had to ask him to put it out. He said he really needed it. I snaped and in a very nasty tone I said..."well that's fine and dandy, but when I am dying from lung or throat cancer don't think I will be thanking you, there wont be anyone to take care of me!" In that instant I saw him literally deflate. His once proud posture literally deflated. He slumped and his eyes were so bleak. He put the cigarette out but I had hurt him to the core and I could not even apologize. He never again sat up straight, the light in his eyes remained dim till he passed. I feel like he really died on that day. I have felt such regret and sorrow for this. It has been hard to forgive myself.
A long while ago I had to break down and forgive myself. God already had, Linda already had and then it was on me.
I had so much guilt that I had let her down. If only I had pushed more for her to get off the pain medication and look for other alternatives. If only I had stayed home that morning I may have been able to stop what happened. I was only working a few hours and could have just stayed home. If only I had listened more closely maybe I would have heard something that would have alerted me to a problem I wasn't aware of. Guilt, guilt, and more guilt. If I had continued to dwell on it I would go insane.
I also have had bouts of anger towards Lyn for not looking into alternatives and not trying to drop the things. But we can't control life. Crap happens and sometimes it is devastating crap that happens that puts folks like us in the position we find ourselves in. I can't carry guilt around with me because it wasn't my fault and doing this will halt any progress I am hooping to make.
I can only say let yourself off the hook. Forgive yourself. God has, your husband has. And now it's on you. I have been thinking thru all this. What would I do different if only I knew the when and how and where. But we can't know so we do the best we can.
But please don't torture yourself. Take care of you. And I agree with Darcie. He did spend the rest of his life with you as did Linda spend hers with me. We have all been blessed with having had these remarkable people in our lives.
Peace, Tim
I can only speak for myself here, but I don't think it's much different for any other man...when a man and woman are the other half of each other, with that "forever" commitment, that man's every reason for doing anything is FOR his wife, out of love for her...it's not out of obligation, but because he WANTS to...that is what gives him joy, in having someone to give his love to, and to share his life with...that is what makes him whole.
And from everything I have been reading on here, it is the same for the wives...I know from being with my wife over 32 years, women with the maternal instincts naturally give and share, and most of the time are unaware of what they are doing (where men usually have to learn it).
When Mark spent his last days looking after you, know that he was just doing what he loved the most.
And I am sure that you did the same for him...but with your natural maternal instincts, you maybe were not aware of what good care you took of him.
Man's point of view? Mark was very much aware of it, every minute of it...that is his love for you, and is why he will always be with you.
But boy, now I wake up and instead of having that blow that I realize he is not there. I now have a panic attack that he is not here to look out for me. And I am really scared. It took all of my energy to get up and go out this morning. I could so easily hide away from the world. If I didn't have to work I think I would hide.
So here I am, realizing that the same thing I was so irritated by, is the truth that I needed him to look out for me. I'm not strong enough to look out for the kids and myself. He was right. And he was worried for me. He loved me more than ever and I value it so much. I just wish I could convey the depth of it.
Why I feel your pain so deeply is that in their fear, ours is reflected, who is going to look after us when they are gone? We were there for them to the finish. And they can't ever repay the kindness to us. I know Mark would have died for me. As I would have given my heart to him if it could've saved him. He knew that. He was the better person.
I wish you peace, forgiveness and freedom. Lots of love. Thanks to you all for your tender caring and advice.
Xxx
It is true that I think women naturally give of themselves till they are empty and exhausted inside and out. And yet we feel it's never enough because how could it be? It's for the love of my life, the reason I am living. I would give more if I could.
Thanks for everyone's input. I cherish your honesty and truthfulness so much.
Take care of yourselves. Xx
This is how I handle it- and while it doesn't work perfectly, it helps me a lot.
I imagine that the situation were reversed- and I was the one that passed and he was the one that remained. I imagine the guilt that he might feel.... The things he promised me that he had every intention of carrying out, but we ran out of time. The times that he hurt my feelings. The times that we disagreed on things and he insisted on doing it his way. The spats with my family that he took the blame for and that resulted in estrangement. He would feel guilty about all this.
If the situation were reversed, and I were the one that had gone physically, but part of my soul remained and was aware of Bernie's feelings of guilt- I would so struggle to let him know that he was being silly. That he was the perfect husband for me. That I wouldn't have had it any other way. That for every disappointment that there were a hundred things he got perfectly right that more than made up for the things undone or unsaid.
If I were the one to go first- I would hate the any feeling that he had that would make him think that he was less than I deserved. Because he was so much more than I deserved. And I know he feels the same way.
If I had gone first and I became aware that he was crying because he missed me.. That would be sweet and I would understand because I would be missing him too. If he cried because I was gone too soon, and it wasn't fair- I would understand that. But if he cried because he felt guilty because he hadn't been enough or done enough or loved enough- that would be asinine and it would hurt my soul that he felt that way.
So, I try to do for myself what I know Bernie would do for me, if he were here and I were expressing guilt. I try to remember the things I got perfectly right. I remember the things he loved about me. I remember the joy we found in each other so many times. And when I do this- it assuages the guilt and makes it so much more bearable.
I hope this helps you.
Peace Be With You!
Robyne