Hi John, Oh, I can relate to your dilemma. For at least the past 10 or 11 years, Juanita and my life revolved around a small ministry we joined, and ultimately pastored. When I was about 2 months into this grief, I had to stop going to our church -- too many memories of a wonderful life we had together and every Sunday I missed her presence more and more until I just couldn't do it anymore. So I drove out of town to go to another church (about an hour and fifteen minutes away), and that lasted about a month and half for me. I went back to our ministry around Christmas -- had a "wolf" that came in trying to take over and then I preached a Sunday message when our other pastor was out of town. And that's it. I don't go to church anymore, and I barely pray. My faith is intact, but I just don't have anything left to pour into it. It is like I am empty inside, and unless I get filled up again, I'm of no use there. And I'm not so sure I'll ever go back to being a full-time church goer again. Our deacon who is 75 comes over to my house once a week and we do the tithe/offering count together, and he listens to me. We are very close friends, actually, my only close friend outside of this support group. So much of what we do in ministry is our own choosing, and Lord doesn't want us to work ourselves to death. But you know how it is, in small ministries the pastors don't get paid and must support themselves by working outside of ministry. So anyway, it is our relationship that matters -- follow your heart, but understand that your ministry now is raising your children -- most important ministry there is. So my advice to you is don't be in any hurry to get busy with ministry again -- take that time to pour into you kids. They need you and all the time you can give them. Lord will take care of the needs of the others. You (and me), we've got to heal first before we are of any good to anyone else. God bless and comfort us all in this our time of need. ~~~ Scottie

John, Scottie, me, all of us who believe...whatever the future may bring...I pray the Lord Jesus is forever a song in our heart.

John, my wife and I loved to attend church. We weren't leaders or anything like that, but we'd occasionally donate time. For example, she loved Vacation Bible School. So after she died I tried to go back to services, but it tore me up inside. Just looking around and seeing all the happy couples put me into a dark mood. There may be a little bit of jealousy there, but it's more about reminding me that that was what I had no so long ago.

To make matters worse, my church doesn't really know how to handle death. Probably 90% of the congregation is under 30. My pastor is friendly enough, but very few members have contacted me in months, including him. I think that if I was in their shoes, I'd check in on the new widower once in awhile, but they probably have no idea what I'm experiencing and are focused on their own lives and Christian missions.

I wrote this before, but it's very easy to be a good Christian with a loving and supportive spouse by your side. It's also very easy to sing about giving the Lord 100%. Lose a spouse? Not so easy to actually live that.

Anyway, I'm starting to attend service again. There are a couple members who treat me exceptionally well. The rest give me the obligatory handshake during the welcome period, but otherwise leave me on my own. I fight back the tears during the songs (my wife loved the music most of all) and try to stay strong. I need to hear the Word, and I'm sure it will get easier to attend in time.

I also agree with Scott. Do only as much as you want, and focus on family first. What good is it if you go out to save the world only to neglect your family? Like my own church. So busy with missions and whatnot, but seemingly oblivious to the man in pain in their midst. Take care of the ones closest to you first.

Hey John,
What you wrote is a reafirmation of what Cristianity is. A personal relationship between the person and the Father. Often Jesus left the group to be with His Father and talk. Unfortunately most of the churches around here, not all, are more of a social gathering and don't nurture that relationship with God.
Draw near to Him for strengthening your faith and hope and He will. Your a good man so go with what your heart tells you.
Peace my friend,. Tim

John,
you have lost your wife, your children have lost their mother. it is good that you are in a time of some kind of smooth functioning and/or acceptance. but please do not interpret that dream in such a way as needing to return to so many outside the home obligations. now you are both mother and father. there is no one else who can do that.
at church, in ministry jobs, many people (like you said, 8 people are doing what you used to do) but ONLY you can parent those kids. it is not turning your back on your wife at all to do that. it is being faithful & stewarding what was given to you First.
Yes, go back and be fed. you need that, both for yourself and to have strength in caring for the kids.
children take more time to understand and express grief than adults. as they grow and mature, their understanding will expand. and so will the grasp of their own loss and what it means to them in life.
Be there for them. this is not a short journey.
I'm not saying not to ever serve at church again. but be very prayerful about when, and which thing to pick up again.
Filling the role of both mom and dad, Less Is truly More.
Church duties will always be there. it has more appeal, due to involving more other people and being more visible.
In your case, it is also more familiar to how things were with life with your wife.
but THEN, you were a team of 2.
NOW, you and the kids are on a whole new horizon. They will never be returned the time which you are away or distracted from them. So, if anything, choose service which includes them.
and maybe that will be something new, which you can all learn together. prayerfully.
I don't want to say too much personal info on the board. but if you want to message an older widow about family and ministry... and regarding "if wishes were fishes, I'd have a boatload full"- feel welcome.

I know you are all about being proper with females. I am way too much older than you to worry about exchanging notes with, about these things :-/

Nope not returning yet, I know eventually I will but I am returning at least to the congregation. They have my roles filled till I want to come back, but I am one that believes that I can not do a ministry when I am empty. I get fed daily through my own devotions but it is time to stop turning from the church. It is time to go back sit with the kids in the congregation and have desert.

The fellowship of friends there is what I am missing when I walk away. So far it has been work and home, work and home. Time to throw an extra thing in there lol and get back to church.

I agree with Tim it is a personal relationship and while I walked away from the church I never walked away from God. I went into my own reclusion to come out stronger.

So no worries on taking on too much, right now I just need to take on fellowship.

Return only when/if your spirit feels it. Dont do it for anyone but yourself. if you decided to just to attend rather than serve. God doesnt want you hurting either, so it's ok to take care of yourself for the time being, until you spirit is back to where you feel you want to be. Much love and big hugs carla